Saturday, July 28, 2012

Day 18

18 days?! I can't even believe I've been away from you for 18 days. My heart is so broken. I can't tell you even... I can't even describe to someone how I feel. Just so broken.

Hard day today. I was sad all day.  We went and picked up our race packets. My heart breaks that I don't get to see your sweet face at the finish line. I've always thought I'd see you there. I trained all around your schedule. I thought how was I going to nurse you while racing... etc... and now you aren't here. You won't be here. I don't have to worry about you and that kills me. I want to worry about you. Will you cheer me on from Heaven? Can you see me? I went to lunch with Cash, Nana, and A Train at Tomato Street. We went shopping at Ross and I got stuff to finish the bathroom. I hate that I don't get to look for clothes for you anymore.

Were you in your bed for a long time, baby before I heard you? Please tell me you weren't. Please tell me you weren't left alone all by yourself and I didn't know. As your mommy, this thought kills me. All I can think of is how long were you alone? Did Jesus come and get you right away? Did He lead you into Heaven? I've always been afraid to die until I lost you. Now, I can't wait to see you and who you've become. To talk to you... to hold you... to give you a big, ole kiss.

I'm so thankful for the time we did get to spend with you. I'm thankful I snuggled you and spoiled you pretty much every chance I could get. I thank Jesus every night for you. Does He give you a big kiss from me? I ask Him to every night. I miss you more than words can say. I love you more than words can say. I love you, sunshine. I hope you had a good day. Or are having a good moment if you don't have days... It's not right that you made it to Heaven before me. No baby should beat their mommy to Heaven. I love you to Heaven and back.

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