Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Day 21

3 weeks? 21 days? It's been way too long since I've held those little hands.

Today I went to the dentist.  I told my first stranger about you. It was so hard. Her heart was broken for us, too. But, how could I not tell someone about you or pretend you never existed? You left such an imprint in my heart, I want to tell people about you. I went to lunch with Hillary and her sweet baby. That was kinda hard. But, I need to put myself around other people with babies. She wasn't you. Our story is different than hers. God has a different path for us... Hillary is so sweet. She asks about you where people rarely do. Not even my friends... You happened, baby. People don't get that a simple "How are you?" or a "Jovi is so sweet" or "I miss Jovi" or "Remember when Jovi..." I have learned to never, EVER, be like that. When someone loses someone they love, all they want to do is talk about them. I'm even open to talking about the day I found you not breathing in your bed. That was a momentous day in my life. Huge. I don't not want to talk about it. It's crazy how awkward people get. Even a simple "I'm sorry" is just perfect. I shouldn't have to make others feels comfortable. I think that's hard. But, I do it anyway. I've learned how to try to make some really awkward situations somewhat better. But, then again, maybe people are worried about saying the wrong thing. You really can't. Unless its something like "Oh SIDS? I didn't know that was still around..." Then, a lot of silence because it obviously still is. All I'm asking is a simple "How are you?" and maybe not to have my friends fall of the face of the Earth. I've had some really good ones stick around though. And they will help me get through losing you. In fact, they have helped me so much already. They all know who they are.

I have to go back to work tomorrow. I'm so sad I won't be dropping you off at Grandma's or telling Daddy where your bottle is... but, I have to try to learn to start living life without you here on Earth with me. You'll be in up there smiling as I make the big step back to work. I know you will. I try my best everyday to get up and make my attempt at life with a big, hole missing in my heart. Somedays is so hard that I can barely stand... well most days. It's not even day by day here yet. It's mostly hour by hour. Time's proving to make things harder and easier. I miss you every minute of every day. Not a second goes by that I don't think about you and what I'd be doing if you were here. I think about Heaven and I'm always wondering what you are up to. What are you doing right now? Are you laughing and smiling a whole bunch? I'm sure Heaven is that much brighter with your giggle and smile. I miss you, love. I love you to Heaven and back.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Day 20

20 days feels like a million days. 20 days is too long without you.

Today was a really hard morning. If it wasn't for your dad or your brother, I would have stayed in bed all day. I missed you so much this morning. Daddy encouraged me to get up. We went to White Elephant and got a tube for floating the river. We went to Trader Joe's and got some food. We went and saw Dr. P. She is sending Cashy for an EKG/Echo to make sure his heart looks ok. To make sure we didn't miss something with your heart. Nana and I went to Zumba. Then we took Cashy to the beach. All in all, the day ended well for being so hard to begin this morning.

I've been reading a book titled "I'll Carry You". Grandma got it for me. It's about a family who finds out their baby won't live outside the womb. They decide to carry the sweet girl, Audrey, to term. It's all about how she felt while she was pregnant (that's as far as I am). It's been really encouraging as she loves Jesus, too. She says that even now (during such a terrible time) she believes in God. She believes He is God. I would have to say the same. Even now. As my heart hurts more than it EVER has before, I believe He is God. I love Him. He is good. I believe He is caring for you. He is caring for me and for our family. He is healing our hearts. He is mourning with us. He loves us. He loves me more than I can say. God sending His son to die for us has a whole new meaning now that I've lost you. I can't imagine sending my only sweet baby to die for thousands of people. I can't imagine. I'm more than grateful He did... the sacrifice He made means more to me now that it ever has before. Thank you, God. Thank you.

While you are no longer here and I don't get to do the thousands of things I wanted to do with you, I can only hope that Jesus is telling you about me, about your Daddy, and about Cashy. Has He been filling you in? I hope He is telling you how much I loved you. How I held you every second I could. How I was so happy to have a baby girl. How I put headbands in your hair every chance I could. How I thought you were sooooo cute. How I slept with you in my bed at nights for a long time until I read an article that scared me about co-sleeping. How we (me and you) had such an excellent delivery. The day you were born will forever be one of the best days of my life. I hope He is telling you how we (mommy and daddy) met. How we had Cashy. How much your daddy and Cashy loved you... I hope you know you ARE so loved.

I miss you so much. I'm sure I will say that every day and I hope it never gets old. I miss your giggle. I miss your hands. I miss your toes. I miss the way you would cry when you were left in a room alone. I can't wait to see your sweet face. I love you, baby, to Heaven and back.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Day 19

19 days feels like forever.

Today was the best day I've had in a few days... I've had some really hard days lately. Today was better. We woke up and did the triathalon. We'd done a practice round and I had a large emotional breakdown that day so maybe that helped. I did ok. I finished faster than my goal time so that good. We went to lunch with Auntie Jo and Uncle Justin. We went to Target. After naps, we went to the beach with Uncle Justin, Auntie Jo, and the kids. That was kind of hard.. the last time we went to the beach you were with us all. What I wouldn't give to do that day again. Wasn't it a good day? Do you remember it? Did you like your time with us? I hope so. I sure more than enjoyed my time with you. Life with you was so good. I felt like you completed our family. You will always be a part of our family, sweet girl. I (and Daddy) will never forget you. We will be sure to talk to Cashy so much about you. I pray he doesn't forget you, either. Who could forget you, beautiful girl? No one! We will, also, be sure to tell your future brothers and sisters about you. You are a big part of our family. A big part of our hearts. How could we not share stories about you?

I'm, again, so thankful for the time I got to spend loving on you. I wouldn't trade it in for anything and I'd do it all over again heartbeat even knowing our time would end too soon. What are you doing right now? I can't wait to hear about what you've been up to. I love you to Heaven and back.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Day 18

18 days?! I can't even believe I've been away from you for 18 days. My heart is so broken. I can't tell you even... I can't even describe to someone how I feel. Just so broken.

Hard day today. I was sad all day.  We went and picked up our race packets. My heart breaks that I don't get to see your sweet face at the finish line. I've always thought I'd see you there. I trained all around your schedule. I thought how was I going to nurse you while racing... etc... and now you aren't here. You won't be here. I don't have to worry about you and that kills me. I want to worry about you. Will you cheer me on from Heaven? Can you see me? I went to lunch with Cash, Nana, and A Train at Tomato Street. We went shopping at Ross and I got stuff to finish the bathroom. I hate that I don't get to look for clothes for you anymore.

Were you in your bed for a long time, baby before I heard you? Please tell me you weren't. Please tell me you weren't left alone all by yourself and I didn't know. As your mommy, this thought kills me. All I can think of is how long were you alone? Did Jesus come and get you right away? Did He lead you into Heaven? I've always been afraid to die until I lost you. Now, I can't wait to see you and who you've become. To talk to you... to hold you... to give you a big, ole kiss.

I'm so thankful for the time we did get to spend with you. I'm thankful I snuggled you and spoiled you pretty much every chance I could get. I thank Jesus every night for you. Does He give you a big kiss from me? I ask Him to every night. I miss you more than words can say. I love you more than words can say. I love you, sunshine. I hope you had a good day. Or are having a good moment if you don't have days... It's not right that you made it to Heaven before me. No baby should beat their mommy to Heaven. I love you to Heaven and back.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Day 17

Today was a better day.

I went to breakfast with Jeanie. She loves you, too. She wishes so much she could have saved you. We had brunch with Nana, Papa, and the cabin family. It was nice. They bought us a fire pot to remember you.That was nice. Sarena brought us dinner and chatted for a bit. Jennie (from work) brought us a work card and chatted for a bit. Amy (from Nana's work) brought us tacos for dinner. I went out to dinner with Auntie Jo. It was fun. Daddy surprised me and had the entire bathroom done when I got home. He's so good to me. I love him so much. He's so good to Cashy and was so good to you. He loves you, little girl, so much. I just hope you realized just how loved you are.... you touched MANY lives in your short time here.

I miss you so much. I'm so sad you aren't waiting here for me when I got home from dinner. I don't get to ask Daddy how you were. Today I was listening to a song where they sing "open you eyes" and I sobbed. That's all I wanted for you to do on Tuesday. Was to open your eyes. I don't think I will be able to listen to the song for a long time... if ever. I would do anything to bring you back. How's heaven today? Do you even have days in heaven? What are you doing right now? Do you hear me writing to you? I can't wait to hear all about what you've been doing. To talk to you... to hug and kiss you... I love you, baby. To heaven and back.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Day 16

I'm having the hardest night. I don't feel like I can breathe I miss you so much. I find it so unfair. Why did you get taken? Why aren't you still here? Why aren't my two kids here? Why? Why? Why? My heart literally feels broken. Why do I only get pictures, videos, and memory necklaces to remember you? Why do I have to worry about forgetting you? Why can't you just be here? I don't get it. Why our family? I know God loves us. I know God is good. I just don't get it.

We went to the lake today. Auntie Elise's cabin. It was fun. But, as always, all I can think of is you. And what it would be like if you were there. Cash had swim. Nana and Meredith bought me necklaces to remember you. They are beautiful. Don't come close to you, but they are cute. You were far more beautiful and it makes me so sad people even have to buy me necklaces because you are gone.

I missed you all day. I thought of you every minute of today. I love you, Jovi. So much.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I Will Not Forget You

Memory Task: You are smiling. So much so that your pretty, blue eyes are squinting. Your cheeks look puffy as your grin is so big. Your mouth is in a HUGE smile. Your hair is sticking up. You have on a yellow onesie, a striped brown tank (that Crazy 8 one), and the brown flower shorts (Crazy 8). Your hands are clasped and your toes are painted. When I think of you this is so often the memory I get. You are sitting on my lap, against my knees. I'm saying something that's making you smile.

Day 15

I'm exhausted today. We went to Silverwood all day. Your brother had a blast. I wish you were with us. I really wish you were there to have fun with us. I'm finding it more and more unfair sometimes that you aren't here. It breaks my heart. I can't wait to see you. Do you look like me or Daddy? What do you do in heaven? You shouldn't have beaten me there. I miss you baby. We also went to Nana and Papa's while Daddy went and played poker. Cash swam and swam in their hot tub. You would have loved it tonight. It would have been the perfect temperature for you. I love and miss you more than I could say. Sweet dreams... do you sleep in heaven? I have so many questions for you...

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Day 14

Two whole weeks... who would have ever thought I could be away from you for two whole weeks?? I was thinking a lot about you today. On Saturday, we went to a fireworks display. It's like a little fair. We walked all around and I held you. You liked looking at all the people. We got good seats for the fireworks. I changed you into your jammies. You ate and fell asleep. I put you in the frontpack. You were kinda fussy as it was way past your bedtime. I just stood and rocked you for forever until you fell back to sleep. You slept all the way home. Even from the transition from my arms to the carseat. I'm so glad I held you the entire time. I was thinking about our last day together as a family. We went to the beach. I was worried about keeping you out of the sun so you didn't sunburned. You didn't love the beach. It was hot. You took a nap under the umbrella. We had fun. You put your feet in the water. You didn't like it because it was so cold. I, basically, held you the entire time and just watched everybody else. But, I didn't mind. I liked it. I can't even remember what you wore. That makes me so sad. I remember on Monday you wore that pink romper that Auntie Jo gave you. On Tuesday, I put you in a pink striped romper, but it was too tight on your legs. I left the brown romper with the flowers for Grandma to change you in so your clothes wouldn't be too tight. Why can't I remember what you wore Sunday... Saturday you wore that cute dark green dress with the hippo on it... and the brown headband. We ate pizza after the beach and I did a billion loads of laundry. On Monday, Daddy went back to work. Finney came over. We went to the beach with Heather, Elizabeth, and Molly. It was slightly chilly. We came home. You, Cash, and Fin took a nap while I did homework. We went to Nana's after Fin was picked up. We ate pizza and you sat in your bouncy seat with us out on the porch. Cash stayed with Papa and we went to the store (Nana, you, and I). Nana held you around the entire store. One of the girls Daddy used to work with even held you. Tuesday, I went to work and Grandma spent the morning with you and Cash. I came home. You ate. We played. You played under your playmat. Then, I put you down for a nap which would be the last time I ever put you down for a nap...

I've been thinking more how frustrating and unfair it is that you are gone. I did everything I could to be a good mommy. I ate good while I was pregnant with you. I didn't even get an epidural when you were born! I ate good while I was nursing. I never complained. I never wanted to be away from you... I strived everyday to be a good mommy. I don't get it... I'm so confused. I am not mad. I just am so confused and I just don't get it. I just don't get why you were taken soooo early when you were nothing but loved. Why? I guess is my biggest question...

We did some of our triathalon today. I was doing well until I realized how behind the boys I was... then I remembered I didn't get to train much because I was pregnant with you or because you were too little to leave so I could train. Then, I remembered you aren't here. You won't be there at the finish line. I had a bit of a break down on the run. It's so hard remembering all the things I was looking forward to, then remembering those aren't going to happen anymore. Your sweet face will not be there cheering me on race day. Can you see us from heaven? Will you cheer me on from the best seat ever?

I love you, baby. Today was a struggle day. I miss you so much. Did you know that Jamie, the zumba teacher, is doing a Zumba event for you? I can't remember if I've told you yet or not. I took the big picture from you service to her today so everyone can see you while they are dancing. Miss you, babes, so much. Talk to you tomorrow.

Day 13

13 days.... it feels like a million. We still think of you in our routine. Life is so sad without you here. I wish you were in the car today crying as we did our errands. I wish you were needing to be nursed... I miss you soooo much. We went and visited you today. Did you see us? We brought you some of your favorite toys. I know you can't use them... it's more for us. And for you to see. I bet you can see them. It was sad to visit you. I can't believe we have to go visit you and you just aren't here. We went swimming with Evie, Milo and Auntie Joanna today. Cashy is such a good swimmer. It makes me sad you didn't get to swim with us. Are you swimming in heaven? Is there water to swim in? You'll have to give me a tour... anyway... then we ate Subway and went to the park. Then, we visited you. I want to look up some cute things to do for you. It's a good spot in the cemetery. Right off the road by some trees. You are surrounded by other babies and kids. We felt it was right for you. Then, we went to Lowes. Since we are bored without you here, we dedided to start a home project. We are fixing up the bathroom. Well, Daddy is. He is painting it. He took down the big mirror and the light fixture. It'll look so good when it's done, I think. Kathleen brought us dinner. Chicken garlic and pepperoni and bacon pizza. It was delicious. I went to Zumba for the first time since I was like 20 weeks prego with you. It was really nice. Fun, actually. It was a good workout. Jamie, the instructor, is doing a donation event for you. The community has really surrounded us in love and prayer. We have been very blessed. People have written us so many beautiful cards and sent us money. Brought us so much food... People have been more than generous to us. I went and got a wet suit from Nana and Papa for our race... It was an okay day today. I Miss you more than I could ever say. I'm realizing there is going to be a hole in my heart forever. But, I'd rather it be there. It was your spot and it won't ever be filled. I love you, sunshine. Give Jesus a big kiss for me. :)

Day 12- Memories

12 days... holy cow. Last night was a struggle. Today has been a struggle. I miss so many pieces of you. I miss your chimpanzee hair. Your hair was falling out all over. It'd stick straight up on top. It was like chimp hair- it was dark brown, but I had big hopes it would turn blonde. I loved it. I miss it. I miss your long chimpanzee arms. You had such long, skinny arms. They were so cute. I miss them. I miss your hands. You had long fingers. I miss them. I miss your long, round belly. Your belly button. I miss them. I miss your chubby thighs. You had three rolls on each leg. You were a pretty skinny little bean minus those darling rolls on your thighs. I miss them. I miss your cute feet and your sweet little toes. I'd just painted your toes red. It was so hard. I'd paint them again in a heartbeat. I miss them. I miss those pretty, blue eyes. They lit up when you smiled. They lit up when you saw your brother, your daddy, or me... I miss them so much. I miss your cute little nose. It was perfect. I miss it. I miss your eyebrows. They were light which gave me hope you'd be a blonde like me. I miss your eyelashes. They were also light brown. I miss your mouth. You had such sweet, little lips. Your smile was beautiful. What I wouldn't give to see it again. It was so sweet. It really did light up a room. I miss your smile so much. I miss your face. Those cheeks were so kissable. I miss kissing and snuggling your neck. I miss your voice. I loved how you'd tell me so many stories. Especially on your changing table. I miss that sweet sound so much. I miss your laugh. Oh, baby, your laugh was so sweet. The cutest little giggle. Ever. I miss it so much. I miss your bath time. You loved the bath. It was like a workout. Your arms and legs would just go crazy. No wonder you'd sleep so good after a bath. It was your nightly work out. You'd just look at me and kick and kick, and flail your arms all over the place. I miss that. I miss nursing you. I miss nursing you so much. I miss how you'd look up in my eyes and just stare at me. I'd miss how you'd take a break to smile at me then start eating again. I miss our power nursing sessions at night. You didn't like me to talk to anyone. We'd just snuggle in bed and you'd nurse. I'd watch a TV show or search the web. I couldn't talk though. It was the time of day that was our time. I miss our time. I miss you waking me up in the middle of the night. I'd get to nurse you back to sleep. I loved it. I never once was frustrated that you weren't sleeping through the night. I miss waking up at night to your sweet face. I miss how you hated the car. I'd do anything to have you scream in the car. I miss when your brother would patiently sing to you (Wheels on the Bus) or tell you, "It's ok"... then after many patient attempts to make you quiet... he'd just scream, "BE QUIET!". I miss your cry. It was so cute. It was very sad... you always got what you wanted when you cried. I miss your cry. I miss how you would cry when you were left alone in a room, but as soon as you saw a face, you'd stop crying. I miss that so much. I miss how you'd startle so easy. The littlest sound or even a peek-a-boo would send your arms out flailing. It was so cute. I miss that sooo much. I miss your bad barfs. You would have explosive barfs. Like upchuck your entire meal barfs. They were scary because sometimes you would have a hard time catching your breath, but I miss them none the less. I miss how you'd pretty much always leave me with some spit up on my shoulder. I miss how you were starting to drool all over. You were becoming a little slobber monster. I miss that. I miss how you used to high pitch breath. It was also a little scary, but I miss it so much.  I miss how when we'd give you lots of kisses on your cheeks, you were never very amused. You'd just sort of squint up your eyes and bear it for the kiss giver. I miss that face. I miss waking you up in the mornings. You'd usually have to be woken up because I had to work... or we had to go somewhere or I just missed you. I'd undo your swaddle wrap and you'd always stretch a bit, then smile. You were SO happy in the mornings. You were so smiley! In fact, if you woke up on your own you were usually grouchy and sad. But, if I woke you up, you were so sweet and happy. I miss those morning smiles and you kicking your legs on the changing table. I miss our mornings so much. I miss how you used to put one arm in the are in a fist. We'd always joke you were going to punch someone. I miss that so much. I am so afraid that someday I will forget your chimpanzee hair. Your cute arms and your chubby thighs. I have to write them down so I don't forget. I miss everything about you.

Day 11

I know I say this everday... but 11 days seems like eons. I can't believe I haven't seen that sweet face in that long. My arms just ache to hold you. My milk is officially all gone. Which was so hard. Like my last piece of you.... What I wouldn't give to be nursing you... You were the best baby I'd ever seen. I'll always miss you. You will always be missing in our lives and our hearts. Today we went on a big hike with Nana and Papa. Cash did so good. Then, we came home and rode our bikes to Grandma and Grandpa's to drop off Cash. It feels so weird to be doing things we used to not be able to do with you... we know you would want us to be having fun, but it's so hard. I'd much rather you be here than be able to ride my bike. I remember the day you left us all to clear. I wish I didn't have to remember that day. I wish I could have changed our fate so much. I wish so many things. My heart is so broken for you, love. So broken. I just hate the feeling that I felt when I opened the door and heard your alarm. You looked so peaceful. Like you were sleeping. I had so much faith you would be okay. I wish no one had to go through this. It's so hard. So hard. We went to Nick and Kaleigh's and hung out on their beach. That was nice. Sort of like a vacation. We then came home and Carla, Hillary, and Lydia came over. Lydia is a little baby who is 6 weeks younger than you... it was hard to see her at first. But, I have to remember babies close to your age, are not you. It's not their fault. We don't have any reason why they got to keep their baby and we didn't. For some reason that we don't know, God wanted you back. Or wanted to teach us something... or wanted to teach someone else something... I don't know. I wish I did know. I can't wait to see you, baby. I can't wait. Finney said he heard you when they were praying and you were a big girl. I can't wait to see what you look like. Soon, baby. Soon.

Day 10

10 days. Wow. I can't even believe it. We moved your bassinet today. That was so hard. But, I think it will be better not to see it everytime I go into our room. I won't forget you. I don't need it as a reminder of you as I have SO many memories and reminders of you that don't need to be where you died. I took your dresses out of our closet. I needed the hangers for Cash. It was so hard to see all the dresses you never wore. Or the dresses you did wear. Really, it was just sooo hard. I don't think I would have done it had I not needed the hangers. I couldn't put them away. They are just sitting on top of the rubber bins. That way I can still see them. Baby steps. We drove home from Glacier. It was so nice to have time away. I was nervous to come home. I was afraid to come back to where you always were. But, it was okay. I did two loads of laundry and even did some dishes. I find that a good day. In fact, I feel today was a pretty momentous day. I haven't done laundry fully or dishes since before you left. I miss you so much. I reaize you aren't coming back. Which makes things so hard. But, another step in the healing direction, I think. No matter how hard I cry, you aren't coming back. This is a nightmare I am being forced to live. I, think, we are doing ok, so far. It's so hard. But, I have to keep living because of your brother. I have to wake up. I have to eat. I'd love to come live with you, but I have to stay with your brother and your daddy. He's been so amazing. Such a good daddy. He is there for me whenever and understands when I randomly feel as though the world has stopped. He gets up with Cash and lets me sleep in. I am realizing that we have to live this and try to do the best we can. I do have my moments where I feel as though I can't breathe. I'd do anything to have you here... to be nursing you to sleep.  I wish I could see where you live. What you look like. I can't wait. I can't wait to see who you turned into... In a blink of an eye, baby. In a blink of an eye... I love you, sweet girl. SO much!!! And miss you more than you know. Until tomorrow...

Day 9

Wow. 9 days without my little love. My heart still aches as much as it did the day I found you. I hope you are having fun in heaven, baby. Miss you more than I could ever say. I love you soooo much. It's crazy how one minute I'm ok and the next it's nearly impossible to breathe. I wish this wasn't the path for our family, but it is. I'm trying to hard to make the best of life without you here. I know you'd want that.

Day 8

We are in Glacier today. Wish I was snuggling you instead of being here. Today has been better than yesterday though. MIss you more than I could ever say. Wish you were here seeing how beautiful it is.

Day 7

Maybe today was the worse day so far. I cried pretty much all day. I miss you so much. I can't believe you have already been gone a whole week. Last week I hadn't even been away from you longer than a few hours and now I haven't seen that beautiful face for an entire week. It's killing me. I don't know why we were chosen to walk this path, but we were and I'm trying so hard to do it strong and brave. I've got to hold it together for your sweet brother. He needs a good mommy. So as much as I'd like to just lay in bed all day and cry because I miss you so much.... I can't. I do know you are ok. You aren't hurting. In fact, you are dancing and enjoying all of your time with Jesus. I'd much rather be hurting and feeling pain than for you to be hurting or feeling pain.

Today we laid around the house for a bit. We woke up so some really loud thunder. Were you bowling this morning? We took some of the flowers we got in honor of you to the ER, the Peds floor, and the OB floor. We wanted to thank everyone who helped you. The hospital has been so great to us. Then, we went and saw Dr. P. She filled out some paperwork so Daddy could take some extra time off with us. We had lunch with Auntie J. Headed to Fred Meyer for some store items. A friend made us dinner- spaghetti. Then, we went to Cashy's swim class. What a nice distraction. I'd just been thinking of you all day. It's so weird going places without you. I'd much rather be having to work around your schedule or not doing certain things because of your schedule than to not have you here. It's hard for me to remember you'd want me to be having fun. After swim, we had ice cream with lots of friends/family.

My heart aches so bad for you. My arms want to hold you so badly. I am struggling today. I wish more than ever you were here sleeping next to me. I can't wait to see you sunshine. I can't wait to see you.

Day 6

Today is going to be a very sad day. Today is the day we get to celebrate your life. I will tell you more about it when we are done. Just wanted you to know my heart is aching just as much for you this morning as it was yesterday. I love you, baby.

What a rough morning. We had your service today. It was so hard, but so great to celebrate you. You impacted so many. You lived three short months and changed our lives and many others. Pastor Craig talked and did such a great job. Papa read the letter that we wrote you. Grandpa Bruce talked and he did great, too. Daddy and Mommy worked hard on a slideshow for you. We played it. I love looking at your pictures. Looking at YOU. Pastor Craig hit your personality right on. You were so happy. So smiley. Loved to be held. You laughed beautifully. We loved holding you sooo much. The service was so hard not to just cry and cry, but we were so strong. You casket was so small. I wanted so bad to just snuggle you. SOOOOO many people came to celebrate and honor you. The sanctuary was packed. They even had to add more chairs in a different room and live feed a video of the service to them. You are loved.

After the service, we went and all of the people who came, came and gave us hugs. It helps so much to know so many people are praying for us as we greive the loss of you. I can't even say how many people were there. Lots... all the family of course. All of Daddy's.... all of Mommy's (complete with the family from Boise), the entire staff at Lakeside, the staff from the Henneberg's, many friends.... again, you are so loved. We ate some food. Then, headed to the graveside service.

Daddy carried you to your resting spot. It was so sweet. Pastor Craig said another prayer. Daddy, Cashy, and I kissed you. It was hard to think that's just where you will be. Sometimes, I wish I could come dance with Jesus with you. I want to see what you look like. I want to touch you. But, I know you are ok. Jesus is loving on you so much.

After the service, we all went to Grandma Karen's. It was so nice to be with family. We ate and were able to laugh. I miss you so much, sunshine. Once again, I'd do anything to be laying here nursing you rather than writing to you. Let me say that again... I'd do ANYTHING to be laying here nursing you rather than having to write to you. Love you baby. Talk to you tomorrow.

I just posted your picture to the SIDS webpage. I've been putting it off. Makes it feel so real. Hoping we can find support and help others not to have to experience what we've been through. Love you, baby.

Day 5

Today was a sad day. We went to Costco and got a beautiful, big picture of you to display at your memorial. We also printed pictures and picked out some of your favorite stuff to take to the church. We took your apple, your swaddle wrap, your Easter dress, your denim mini skirt, your Jovi sign from your room, your "J" from your room, one of your cozy blankies, your quilt, your birth certificate, your hand/footprints from when you were born, your little black boots, the bunny Cash made you, your bracelet, and your sunglasses. It was hard to pick items that summed up your life. No artifacts could sum it up. I miss you so much today. I feel more depressed today. Like there isn't much to be happy about. People keep giving us money which is such a blessing but I can't seem to be happy about it because I want you back. I'd take a mountain of debt to have you here. Again, it's the night and I'd do anything to be sitting here nursing you. I just want you back more than anything. I wish you were sleeping in your bed next to me. Tomorrow is going to be so hard to say goodbye to you. I miss you baby. More than I can say.

Day 4

Your daddy and I stayed up late talking about you last night. We talked about how you really showed us to be parents. You changed our parenting style from maybe more strict and rigid, to more laid back and loving. I find so much comfort in having no regrets with our time. If the dishes needed to be done, but you wanted to be held.... the dishes waited. When I was vacuuming, I was usually holding you at the same time. I didn't move you to your room. I treasure the fact that you slept in our room every single night you were with us. I was always happy to wake up and nurse you in the middle of the night. I enjoyed it so much. My heart is so broken and misses you so much more than I could say. Today we are going boating then going to try to go to Erika's wedding. We wish more than anything you were coming wih us. I love you my little girl.

Day 3

Waking up and remembering you are not here has so far been the hardest. I miss you more than words could ever say. My heart just aches to hold you. You are so loved, baby girl. I'm really trying to hang in there and last and the last few days have proven to be better if we have company and are with other people who loved you, too. I'm always thinking about the day I found you and wish so much I could have changed out future. I miss you soooooo much. I love you. I am so sad that our nightly routine is gone. I miss nursing you. I miss you fussing making me hurry to get ready for bed. I miss giving you a bath. I miss the smell of you after your bath. I miss you crying if I talked while I nursed you to sleep. I miss you so much. My heart is raw. I miss you waking me up at night. I miss our long, nightly nursing sessions. I want you back more than anything.

Day 2

Oh sweet girl. It's only the second day without you and I am still so lost. My heart is broken and I would do anyting just to snuggle you or see that sweet face one more time. I love you, baby, so much.