Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Day 10

10 days. Wow. I can't even believe it. We moved your bassinet today. That was so hard. But, I think it will be better not to see it everytime I go into our room. I won't forget you. I don't need it as a reminder of you as I have SO many memories and reminders of you that don't need to be where you died. I took your dresses out of our closet. I needed the hangers for Cash. It was so hard to see all the dresses you never wore. Or the dresses you did wear. Really, it was just sooo hard. I don't think I would have done it had I not needed the hangers. I couldn't put them away. They are just sitting on top of the rubber bins. That way I can still see them. Baby steps. We drove home from Glacier. It was so nice to have time away. I was nervous to come home. I was afraid to come back to where you always were. But, it was okay. I did two loads of laundry and even did some dishes. I find that a good day. In fact, I feel today was a pretty momentous day. I haven't done laundry fully or dishes since before you left. I miss you so much. I reaize you aren't coming back. Which makes things so hard. But, another step in the healing direction, I think. No matter how hard I cry, you aren't coming back. This is a nightmare I am being forced to live. I, think, we are doing ok, so far. It's so hard. But, I have to keep living because of your brother. I have to wake up. I have to eat. I'd love to come live with you, but I have to stay with your brother and your daddy. He's been so amazing. Such a good daddy. He is there for me whenever and understands when I randomly feel as though the world has stopped. He gets up with Cash and lets me sleep in. I am realizing that we have to live this and try to do the best we can. I do have my moments where I feel as though I can't breathe. I'd do anything to have you here... to be nursing you to sleep.  I wish I could see where you live. What you look like. I can't wait. I can't wait to see who you turned into... In a blink of an eye, baby. In a blink of an eye... I love you, sweet girl. SO much!!! And miss you more than you know. Until tomorrow...

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