Monday, November 26, 2012

Past Few Days.

I just got a letter from SightLife. I received a letter from SightLife a few days ago and hadn't opened it. It was addressed to Daniel and wasn't a logo I recognized, so I just didn't open that piece of mail assuming it was junk mail. Today, we received another letter in the mail from SightLife. I thought it was interesting so I opened this one. "We are sorry you received a letter stating your loved one donated their corneas (essentially)... we can assure you your loved one did not donate... there was no opportunity to donate..." Thank you, SightLife for reminding me of all the opportunities I (we) missed out on in Jovi's life. Thank you, also, for saying she didn't even qualify to donate. You were right, that was a big mistake to send out those letters. I'm so thankful I hadn't opened the first which was basically "Happy holidays (why can't we say Merry Christmas anymore?) and thank you for your loved ones cornea donation.". I might have had a heart attack. I've been waiting patiently for the letter saying her heart valves were placed with a donor... never did I think I would have gotten a letter saying we donated other things... and I didn't know. I know mistakes are made, but even the apology letter was so sad. Merry Christmas to us.

Thanksgiving was an okay day. After all our festivities I did come home and have a good cry. We are missing out on so much. Our in-laws have a new baby. She doesn't remind me of Jovi. She doesn't look anything like her. She's starting to smile and coo... starting to do so much of what I really remember and love that Jovi did. She's not Jovi. She can be a constant reminder of what we don't have, though. She reminds me that I didn't get to feed Jovi on Thanksgiving or I didn't get to bounce her around when she was crying during games. She just reminds me of what I'm missing. I'm so very thankful she doesn't look like Jovi or that I really don't struggle holding her or seeing her. Sometimes (especially Thanksgiving) can remind me very much of what we are missing out on... but, we've gotta get used to it. She's going to be around for a long time. I am hoping that when she surpasses Jovi's age, she'll be doing so much less of what I ever saw Jovi do, so the reminders won't be so present.

Jovi- as each day passes, this doesn't ever get easier living without you. You will forever be missing our family. You will forever be thought about and wondered what ______ would be like if you were there. I, honestly,  cling to knowing I get to see you again. I think of you everyday. I think of how life would be with you here everyday. Do you remember how you hated sleeping in your bed for the first few weeks? You could only sleep in my (or Daddy's) arms. I loved every minute of snuggle and sleeping with you. I miss you more than words can say. I love you, sunshine, to Heaven and back.

"Now they were bringing even infants to him that he might touch them. And when the disciples saw it, they rebuked them. But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.”
Luke 18: 15-17

Wednesday, November 21, 2012


While Thanksgiving is neary upon is, I've been trying to remind myself I still have things to be thankful for... yes, it's going to be a hard holiday. I seem to have harder days leading up to the holiday, then the day itself isn't actually as bad as I thought. I've always tried to remind myself that I still have a lot to be thankful for and realizing I will still have a good life. It will be entirely different than I had ever thought or what I had planned, but it will still be good. Even now, in the midst of losing our baby, we still have things to be thankful for... so here goes...

I am thankful for God. I'm more than thankful He sent His son for me. The sacrifice He made means more now than it ever has before. I'm thankful for eternal life. I'm thankful for Heaven and can't wait to see what it's like!!! I'm thankful we get to spend forever with Jesus. I'm thankful we get to spend forever with our loved ones. I'm thankful that this life we live is bigger than we could ever imagine. The things that happen to us will play out in a much bigger story than where we are the only characters... our lives and the way we live them is bigger than we can comprehend. We, often, forget. God's story didn't end when the Bible ended... it's still going. It's still being written. We are part of it now and someday we will get to see that big picture and suddenly everything that happened in our lives (good and bad) will be understood. I'm thankful we get to live a life of meaning and purpose. I'm just so thankful for my faith. I'm just so thankful for the unfailing love we get to receive.

I'm thankful for my family. I'm so blessed to have an amazing husband; he always works hard for our family. He loves me so much. He is the best dad I know. He encourages me... He gets me... I'm just so thankful to be spending my life with my best friend. I'm thankful for Cash. He's so fun. He's kept us going. He's made us get up and continue living life as normal as possible. He is so sweet. I'm thankful for Jovi. I'm so thankful for every moment I had with her. I'm so thankful for all of our memories. I'm thankful she never had to go through heartbreak or a terrible sickness... I am thankful for that. I'm thankful for my parents and my little brother. My dad was a huge help the day Jovi died. My mom (and dad) have been so great at being there and listening to all my possibilities on why Jovi died... and have been there when I'm feeling sad. They've made us countless dinners and kept us company when Daniel is working. I'm thankful for my in-laws. They are so supportive. I'm thankful my mom-in-law is able to watch Cash while I work. I'm thankful they always bring up Jovi and aren't afraid to speak her name. They always make me feel like she's important.

I'm thankful for friends. I'm thankful I have had some friends really step up and be so supportive. I'm so thankful for some new friends I've made in the last few months. I'm thankful to some who also listen and read my countless emails/texts on SIDS. I'm so thankful I have people to make me get out and even have fun and enjoy myself.

I'm thankful we have a warm roof over our head and always have food in our house.

Jovi baby- you will never, ever be forgotten or replaced. You will always be our daughter. You will always be a part of this family. You will forever have a place in my heart that will never be filled and will always be open and waiting for the day I finally get to come to Heaven and be with you. Our lives will forever be missing you until we are reunited. I miss you more than anything. I always think about you and what you'd be doing if you were here. I think about you a lot in the car and wish you were there... babbling in your carseat. I can't wait to hear your voice again. I love you so very much... to Heaven and back.

I'm thankful for this photo as it's my very favorite.

"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
1 Peter 1:8-9

Friday, November 16, 2012

My BIG girl...

Happy EIGHTH month birthday, baby. How is it possibly fair you are celebrating in Heaven? How is it possible I've not been able to see you on your fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, and now eighth month birthdays? It doesn't seem possible... or as I always say... at all fair. Somedays I wonder how I'll celebrate dozens of more birthdays of yours without you. Somedays I want nothing more than to just come and see you. I hope you are getting some super big snuggles... I'm sending you lots.

I'm sitting next to Cash right now and he has a little fever. I should be sitting here stressing and hoping you don't catch whatever bug he has... but I don't get to... I guess I should be thankful you don't ever have to experience yucky sick bugs. It's hard to be thankful for anything that involves you being in Heaven.

I was giving Cash a bath last night and thinking how much fun you guys would have had taking baths together and if you weren't in the bath at that moment, you'd probably be close to crawling. Sitting and moving all around our floors... My mind can't even think of what you'd look like at this age. I just think of you as sixteen weeks... maybe just bigger.

I miss you so very much. I wish so much you were here. I wish you were snuggling with us on the couch right now. I wish I got to snuggle you when you were sick. I wish I didn't have to miss out on so much of your life. I know Heaven is amazing. I'd do anything to just be able to come for a visit... I love you so much, little girl... to Heaven and back.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

4 Months

How can it be? How have we hit four months already? How come I have to see four months without you, but I didn't even get four months with you? This all so unfair.

We hit your four month anniversary while Cash and I (Daddy had to work... bummer) were away on a trip. We were "helping" my aunt after she had surgery. I wasn't much help... I did a lot of child wrangling... but my mom did all the cooking and cleaning. Anyways- being out of town made for a good distraction. But, made coming home hard and so very sad. Being away takes your mind of things. I still thought of my sweet girl the entire time. I thought about what it'd be like if she had been there. Coming home missing one very important person is so hard. It's just the huge reminder that Jovi isn't here. It hits all over again that we have to live with this. It's always hard coming back to reality.

While we were away, I was able to meet Katrina. Katrina is my friend I found on the CJ SIDS parent page. She (in a roundabout way) knows my family down there. She lost her sweet Rowan to SIDS in May. We've talked a ton, texted lots, and sent back and forth many emails. We finally got to meet face to face. I've been meaning/needing to blog about meeting her since I got home, but everytime I sat down to write about I couldn't do it. I can't even explain how it feels to just be with someone who gets it. Everything we said, the other understand. Completely. How I wish we never had to be friends... but we can't change our fate. We have to be in this club. I'm SO thankful for her and thank God for putting her in my life. I really can't say how it feels. I think of her so much more than just a friend... she gets it. She gets how it feels to celebrate holidays without your baby. She gets how it feels to be terrified. She, so sadly, gets what it feels like to have to continue living after losing a love of your life. She just gets it. I really can't think of anyway else to say it... it's just such a blessing to have someone who is grieving like me... I was tearing up just having to say goodbye. She just gives me more of a reason to keep visiting. I'm sooo thankful God has given me her. She, also, has a little boy who is almost three. Cash and Jack had a great time. I was sure to tell Cashy that Jack had a little sister in Heaven, too. He said "They are playing together!". I'm sure they are.... maybe they even helped bring us together.

Jovi Sloan- I miss you more than words can say. I missed you so very much on our trip. I was, constantly, thinking how we'd have to be so careful shutting the door to the stairs if you were there. I'm so thankful for you. I'm so thankful for everyday I got to spend with you. Do you remember when we all went to the Fourth of July fireworks? You slept through them all. You were so sleepy, you didn't even wake up when I put you in your carseat when they were over. I loved snuggling with you during the firework show. I'm so thankful for all our memories. I wish we were able to have many, many more. I can't wait to see your beautiful face. I love you to Heaven and back.

"You can enter God's Kingdom only through a narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose the easy way. But, the gateway to life is small, and the road is narrow, and only a few ever find it."
 Matthew 7:13-14

Wednesday, November 7, 2012


I know death can turn people away from God or it can bring them closer. Jovi's death has definitely brought me closer to God. I feel like the day she died, shows God so much. It was no coincidence all the people God sent to me on that day. I've constantly thought I suddenly feel Heaven and can feel God so much more in my life. I see Him everywhere. I just realized it has to be partly because a piece of me is already in Heaven with Jesus. A big part of me went to Heaven on July 10th and will stay there until the rest of me makes it there. No one worry... I'm not having any thoughts about needing to get to Heaven tomorrow, but I can honestly say I can't wait to get there. I've always been afraid of dying. I'm not anymore. I can't wait for the day I get to see Jesus. I can't wait for the day I no longer feel pain, suffering, or grief. I can't wait for the day life gets a trillion times better than it is now.

People may wonder how I can feel faith and love for God even though my baby isn't here. For me, it's more I can't imagine life without Him. There are days I'm so, so sad and heartbroken and I'm only standing because of Him. I did/do have so many questions. I had to work through so many. There came a time that I had to just accept that God didn't save her. For some reason, unknown to me, God decided not to save my baby. Accepting that is difficult and so very sad. But, I don't have a doubt in my mind that someday I will get to Heaven and I will know why and it will all make sense. I have no doubt that God will make the best of this situation. Without this faith and hope in God, I'd be so, very lost.

I've definitely felt angry with Him and that doesn't mean I don't occasionally still do. I've wondered "Why us?"... or compared myself to other parents... or just plain cried that it isn't fair. It's not fair. God never promised us a fair life. He never promised that those who loved Him would have it easy. He did promise though that He'd always be there. He did promise that He'd always comfort us. He did promise that we will get to live forever with Him. I'd say those promises are pretty great. Very great.

Before Jovi died, I was very blessed (I still am blessed) and had never experienced the death of someone I loved. Jovi threw me off my seat... Her death shook my world and made it really feel destroyed. I've questioned life more than ever and have searched more than ever. Even when I'm angry with God, I still always come back... needing/wanting Him more than I did before. I can, honestly, say if it wasn't for God... I wouldn't be getting out of bed. He makes me want to keep living. He makes me want to help others through this awful, terrible thing we've been forced to deal with... He makes me want to strive to be better. I'm so thankful for everything He's done for me... so very thankful.

Jovi- I continue to be so thankful for every minute I got to spend with you. Remember when you were just born and I held and snuggled you for forever? You didn't even get weighed or measured for over an hour. I loved that. I miss you so much. I still think of you every second of every day. What are you doing right at this moment? I love you, sweet girl, to Heaven and back.

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8

Sunday, November 4, 2012

It's Official

Jovi has officially been gone longer than she was here... how is that even possible? People always say that once a new baby is in your life, you can never remember how life was like before they were here. The statement is so true. I remember wondering how I'd handle two kids... if I could ever love a baby as much as I loved Cash... and then she arrived. It's amazing how they just fit right into your life. Just days into her life with us, I remember thinking I couldn't even remember what it was like with just one child. I was so in love with her... I don't know what I was even worried about. What no one tells you though, is when your baby dies, you remember exactly what life was like when they were here... life still doesn't feel normal without her even though we've now lived the same amount of time without her as we did with her. It's still weird to only get one kiddo ready for the day. It's still weird not to have a baby crying in the middle of the night. It's still weird I only put one kiddo to bed. It's still weird... it still doesn't feel right. I have read that missing someone so much means you loved them so much. I'd rather remember and feel weighted and older than to just forget.

There are numerous times I want to tell everyone in our community that we took the bullet for them. I just want to say... "Don't worry. I took the bullet for you. Your baby will live because mine didn't." It's so hard. I constantly see a baby and the first thought in my mind is wondering if she'll live or not. Then, I remember the statistics. She will live. I don't ever want babies to die. I never want another family to go through what we are going through. I never want that... not ever. But, that doesn't mean I don't wish it wasn't us or that I feel like we really took a major bullet.

I know I've written about time before... but I feel like I've aged so much in the last 116 days. Years... I feel like years have gone by in some ways. It feels like she was just here yesterday and my mind can barely comprehend she's been gone as long as she has... then in other ways it feels like she has been gone for decades. Ugh.

I have been reading the Bible lately. I'm trying to read it in a year. I've started in Genesis. It was interesting to read that in Bible times if someone (Jacob when "lost" Joseph) loses a loved one, the mourning period was 70 days. 70 days... that's a ton of time. I'm sure they still mourned their loved ones after those 70 days but there was 70 days just contributed to mourning. We don't do that here in America. It's nothing... You are expected to return to life as soon as possible. While I've never felt anyone saying that we need to move on or get over Jovi... I do feel like life just keeps going. We have no practices to let families just grieve. I think that's pretty sad.

Speaking of our country, did you know to claim your baby on your taxes they have to live for six months? It's not the money.. it's not at all about the money. It seems like they are saying my daughter didn't live... that to be qualified as your child our baby needs to live for six months. We give many people free health care, many people quite a bit of money for free food, we give many people tools for school (computers.... books.... iPads....), but to receive any penny for your baby, they must live for at least six months. I, also, think this is very sad. Please, I'm all for helping people out. I don't mind helping people with healthcare or food that need it... I just find it so sad that my daughter isn't deemed "our child" until she's lived long enough.

Anyways- Jovi baby, you are missed. I went to Auntie Jo's birthday today. All I could think of was that I'd never be able to hang out with her for so many hours during the day if you were here. I'd much rather have spent the day with you... unable to do certain things because I still have a nursing baby. I still cherish and love every minute we spent together. Do you remember when you would throw up on your sheets multiple times a night... at least three times before you'd fall asleep... and I'd have to change them everytime? Do you remember when I'd have to change you multiple times in the morning to get your outfit just right? I loved every minute with you. Every. Single. Minute. I can't wait to see your beautiful face. I can't wait to worship Jesus together. I can't wait to snuggle you. In the blink of an eye for you, sweet girl. I still miss you every second of everyday. I love you to Heaven and back.

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Happy Halloween, Baby.

Yesterday would have been your first halloween. I was heartbroken that that I didn't get to dress you up. I didn't get to show you off in your sweet, girly costume. Your brother was so sad you weren't here. He even said, "But, I want Jovi to see my costume.". We assured him you could see it and that someday you'll tell me how cool he looked as Captain America. Yesterday wasn't the same without you. I would have done anything to have you out trick-or-treating with us. You were so, so, so missed. We trick or treated to your grave. Did you see the pumpkin we left you? I would have never thought I'd have to visit you at the cemetery on holidays. I'm so thankful people still remember yesterday was going to be hard. People acknowledged that we are missing someone so special.

I dreamed about you the other night. It was so good to see you.... to hold you and to snuggle you. I'll pray for more Jovi dreams. I LOVE them.

You are so very missed. You always will be. I'll always be missing you. I can't wait to come and see you. I know Heaven is amazing. I'd do anything to know what you are doing in this minute... are you being rocked by angels? I love you to Heaven and back, baby.

Captain America Cash

You wearing your brother's robot costume

"But, as it is written, “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9