Tuesday, November 13, 2012

4 Months

How can it be? How have we hit four months already? How come I have to see four months without you, but I didn't even get four months with you? This all so unfair.

We hit your four month anniversary while Cash and I (Daddy had to work... bummer) were away on a trip. We were "helping" my aunt after she had surgery. I wasn't much help... I did a lot of child wrangling... but my mom did all the cooking and cleaning. Anyways- being out of town made for a good distraction. But, made coming home hard and so very sad. Being away takes your mind of things. I still thought of my sweet girl the entire time. I thought about what it'd be like if she had been there. Coming home missing one very important person is so hard. It's just the huge reminder that Jovi isn't here. It hits all over again that we have to live with this. It's always hard coming back to reality.

While we were away, I was able to meet Katrina. Katrina is my friend I found on the CJ SIDS parent page. She (in a roundabout way) knows my family down there. She lost her sweet Rowan to SIDS in May. We've talked a ton, texted lots, and sent back and forth many emails. We finally got to meet face to face. I've been meaning/needing to blog about meeting her since I got home, but everytime I sat down to write about I couldn't do it. I can't even explain how it feels to just be with someone who gets it. Everything we said, the other understand. Completely. How I wish we never had to be friends... but we can't change our fate. We have to be in this club. I'm SO thankful for her and thank God for putting her in my life. I really can't say how it feels. I think of her so much more than just a friend... she gets it. She gets how it feels to celebrate holidays without your baby. She gets how it feels to be terrified. She, so sadly, gets what it feels like to have to continue living after losing a love of your life. She just gets it. I really can't think of anyway else to say it... it's just such a blessing to have someone who is grieving like me... I was tearing up just having to say goodbye. She just gives me more of a reason to keep visiting. I'm sooo thankful God has given me her. She, also, has a little boy who is almost three. Cash and Jack had a great time. I was sure to tell Cashy that Jack had a little sister in Heaven, too. He said "They are playing together!". I'm sure they are.... maybe they even helped bring us together.

Jovi Sloan- I miss you more than words can say. I missed you so very much on our trip. I was, constantly, thinking how we'd have to be so careful shutting the door to the stairs if you were there. I'm so thankful for you. I'm so thankful for everyday I got to spend with you. Do you remember when we all went to the Fourth of July fireworks? You slept through them all. You were so sleepy, you didn't even wake up when I put you in your carseat when they were over. I loved snuggling with you during the firework show. I'm so thankful for all our memories. I wish we were able to have many, many more. I can't wait to see your beautiful face. I love you to Heaven and back.

"You can enter God's Kingdom only through a narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose the easy way. But, the gateway to life is small, and the road is narrow, and only a few ever find it."
 Matthew 7:13-14


2 comments:

  1. Although I wish you had met under different circumstances, I am glad you have a friend who understands the grief & loss you are experiencing. I have a friend who had a loss at a similar point to when I did and it has been so helpful to talk to her!! Thinking of you!

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  2. Molly...that was so sweet. I'm wiping tears right now....I'm so thankful for our friendship too. I could not have written that as beautifully as you did....thank you for sharing this so openly. Jovi (and Cash) are so lucky to have you as their momma and I'm lucky to have you as a friend....love you friend.

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