Lila June has officially made it to 16 weeks and 5 days... while her sister left us at 16 weeks and 4 days. It's so bittersweet. A lot of sweet, but definitely some bitter is in there, too. Now, we start a new journey filled of memories we were never able to make with Jovi, but are so happy to make with Lila.
These last few weeks have been hard. Right up there with the anniversary. I was reliving those last days... only with a baby the same age... So, so, so many flashbacks. So many memories. I was so sad to be realizing that at this age with Jovi I only had 4 more days... 3 more days.... remembering everything we did. It was just a lot of "in your face" memories. It was just all right there. It made me miss Jovi even more. It made me remember her even more. It made me realize how much I don't remember and wish I did... I can't remember her laugh... that's the biggest memory I can't remember and the one that drives me the most crazy. I can't remember and don't have a video to jog my memory.
The last few weeks were, also, hard because it brought July 10th back in full force. I can't even fathom how I lived that day. I did... but I still don't get how. I'd be sitting there snuggling LIla and thinking how the hell could I do CPR on her in few hours... then have to say goodbye forever in just a few more? My mind can't/doesn't comprehend how I even did it. It must be sheer shock... I've done it... lived the day my baby died... and yet my mind is, sometimes, still boggled on how I did it.
And, of course, the last few weeks were hard because I feard for Lila's life. We've had a few bumps in the road with her health (little ones). She had her first cold... scary because many SIDS babies have colds at their time of death. There were SO many emotions and SO many tears. Often, I just held her and told her she couldn't leave. I prayed and asked God countless times to let her stay... to stay and live here for a very long time. I watched her sleep. I picked her up in the middle of the night just to snuggle her and feel her warm, breathing body. And, she's still here. We made it through this hurdle. A weight has lifted...
Jovi Sloan- you have impacted me in more ways than one. In your short life, you've taught me just how important, precious, and short life is... I'll do my very best not to waste of minute of my life without you. You've taught me to live each day to the very fullest and to be so thankful to be here. You've taught me to love to the very fullest and to love the life I live. Thank you for teaching me to love more and to love harder. Thank you for teaching me what's important and what isn't... I wish I didn't have to learn this way, but thank you for teaching your mommy the most important lessons I've ever/could ever learn. Thank you for making me a better mommy. Thank you for being a part of our family. I miss you more as each day passes. I miss your laugh and your chimpanzee hair. I miss your lanky arms and legs. I miss your laugh, your red-painted toes, and your pretty blue eyes. I can't wait to snuggle you again. I love you to Heaven and back.
|My very favorite pictures of my Jovi girl
|Lila at 16 weeks and 4 days
"Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; GOd is a refuge for us."