Thursday, August 30, 2012

Rainbow Bob

Do you remember Rainbow Bob, Jovi? I just read it tonight to your big brother for the first time since you've been gone. It was so hard. We talked about how you loved that book. You'd always be upset while I got Cash ready for bed, but as soon as we all started reading it, you'd settle right down. Do you remember touching and feeling all the animal's stuff? I remember putting your hand on the lion's tail the most. I wish so bad you were here reading Rainbow Bob with us tonight. Maybe you were listening in from Heaven. We all miss you so much. We love you to Heaven and back.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012


I've been doing new devotional called 365 Days of Hope by Nancy Guthrie. It's been really good. Mostly, everyday I walk away with some new information I didn't know before. I always like some verse in the scripture reading for that day. Today was all about Jesus and how He felt His soul was crushed with grief. He felt how I feel. I can, honestly, find comfort in that. That, again, I'm not alone. He even on the cross asked God, "Why have you forsaken me?". He felt abandoned. Forgotten. While I've never been angry with God, I can say I've felt forgotten. I've been reading stories of Him raising so many from the dead and healing so many of those that were sick, it made it impossible not to think why didn't He save Jovi? Jesus felt forgotten... forsaken... and abandoned. He wasn't saved. BUT, the glory and the immense good that came from Jesus's death is overwhelming. He saved millions. I can't even begin to describe what His death did. I can only hope that Jovi's death will bring an ounce of that goodness. I don't doubt that God will turn this into something good. I know I've said it before, but it's making so much sense today. It's, also, so comforting to know that I'm not alone. Even Jesus felt despair.

My sweet girl has already had the opportunity to save one life that we know of... we donated Jovi's heart valves. We will get to know when they save another baby's life. I'm so proud of her.

These pictures aren't the best, but I always remember Jovi in this outfit. This was, also, the day I painted her lil toenails.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

I. Miss. You.

What a week. It's been so hard lately. It's so easy to get into a hole and feel like I won't be able to get out. It's such a heavy feeling thinking that I'll be grieving the loss of my sweet girl forever. This is going to be with me until the day I die. It's so easy to feel so sorry for myself and think that this is my life forever. It's a constant reminder that my life is still going to be good. "Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life" in on repeat through my brain these days. I'm rummaging through all of this. I'm trying so hard to push through and to continue to try to enjoy life.

I've finally realized that I did the best I possibly could for my baby. I worked through the guilt. I've prayed. And prayed. Cried. I feel like at this time I can confidently say that I did the best I could for Jovi. I laid her down the best way I knew for her. I put her in the best bed I knew for her. I fed her the best I could. I gave her the best life I could. I did the best I could for her. I finally feel grace. I can't say how the guilt can just eat away at your soul. How mad I've been at myself. How I've beaten myself up daily with the "what if's" and the "if only's"... It's so easy to let the guilt and blame flow into your heart and your brain. I did the best I could. I feel like I've received a peace that can only come from God, that this would have happened regardless of the day or where/how she was sleeping. Now, that I seemed to have pulled through that... a new process of grief has came into play. This grief ride is a crazy ride. It seems as though you work through one thing and then you are automatically thrown into something else. I'd imagine it's because our brains can only take so much. I'm wondering more now why Jovi died. What was wrong... sometimes I like to think that it was her heart... something wasn't quite right. It's hard to read the article pointing towards rebreathing their own carbon dioxide... but again, I did the best I knew for Jovi. I am pretty sure we will never know. I'll just continue processing through that one... I've been trying so hard to work through each of these issues as I would hate to shove them under the rug and they blow up years down the road. It's so hard.

We are finding a routine. We are finding our new normal. It's comforting, mostly. So sad that it's without someone very important. It's still so sad to realize how this routine is becoming normal, but Jovi isn't a part of it. But, the routine is comforting. I like knowing what we are doing. We get up... Cash and I (and Daniel if off work) do something in the am. We eat lunch, then Cash takes a nap. I've set nap time aside for down time... whether that be completely vegging out and watching TV or reading a grief book (lovely). Katrina recommended a new devotional, so I've been plugging through that. So far it's good. It's usually always something I need to hear. Then, Cash is up. It's nice to have  a time set aside to just think about Jovi. I seem to do far worse when I don't have time. Especially when it has to do with BIG stuff. It's hard to jump from one thing to another without having time to stop and think. Or to be with people who don't realize what has happened. Talking about Jovi helps so much. It's healing. I went from a baby shower straight to a bachelorette party this weekend. All with people who don't really know what happened. That was hard. But, I survived. That seems to be my mantra these last few weeks.

I can't begin to describe how much I miss her. Or how much it hurts that I'm starting to forget her little giggle. It's so sad to think that. I knew it would happen. I wish so much I got it on video. I'm so thankful for the videos I do have. I'm so thankful they will always help me remember that sweet little voice. I'm so thankful for the pictures I do have. I'm so thankful for the time I got to spend with her. I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. I miss you so much, Jovi girl. I love you to Heaven and back.

"After the suffering of his soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied." Isaiah 53:11

Sorry it's sideways. I don't know how to flip it.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

God is so good.

I can, honestly, say I've never felt God's presence more in my life than in these last few weeks. He's been there for me so much and He's so evident in everything that has happened with Jovi. I always thought I understood the sacrifice God made sending His only son for me... but I get it so much more now. The loss of a child is huge. It's so hard. There isn't even anything that can describe it. It's awful. I can't imagine knowing my child was going to die, even though He was going to save millions. It would still be dreadful. I'm so thankful God did that for me... for us. I wonder all the time what will become of this. I don't doubt for a second that God will turn Jovi's death into something good, but it doesn't change the terrible feeling that my baby is gone. This post is going a different direction... I'm wanting to share an amazing God story.

When Jovi first passed away, I was contacted by my aunt saying my uncle had a client who's granddaughter had just passed away from SIDS. I was told that the baby's mom wanted to get a hold of me and wanted my address. I was just in the beginning of everything. Everything was so crazy. I didn't pursue it and I'm sure I didn't act interested. I've, now, been wanting to reach out. Grief is so lonely. I have an amazing support system, but I've been yearning for someone who has been through this. It's so terrible that anyone else even has to go through this, but I'd been wanting to find someone who had. I've been putting myself out there. Emailing mom's of blogs I've found, joining online suppot groups, and even going to a local support group. I joined a support group through CJ SIDS Foundation. It's a national support group. It's new and there are around 15-20 other SIDS moms on it. I was looking forward to meeting everyone and being able to share experiences with someone who "get's it". A mom, Katrina, gave me her email address. After a few posts, I realized our grieving process is similar. Our philosophy on all of this is similar. I ended up emailing her. In a response, she realized where we lived and started to put everything together. Katrina is the same mom who tried to contact me when Jovi first passed away. We connected through a national organization when we live in the same state! She even journaled about my sweet girl. God, obviously, wanted us to connect. I'm so glad He did. We've emailed back and forth. We've talked on the phone for hours. I only hope this is the beginning of something good... I can't even begin to say how thankful I feel. It's so comforting hearing someone else say so many things I've said or thought. I am so thankful.

Rowan and Jovi have SO many similarites. They both had the same hair. They were both the same age when they died. Jovi was 6 days shy of her 4 month birthday and Rowan was 8 day shy of her 4 month birthday. Rowan has a big brother, too. I would even say their little faces are similar. Rowan passed away during her afternoon nap just like Jovi. Rowan's mommy found her at 4:45ish pm. I found Jovi around 4:35ish pm. We just keep finding more and more things that are similar. I can't help but think that Rowan and Jovi are playing in Heaven. Maybe, they even helped get us together. I am sure Jovi knew her mommy needed a friend.

I miss you so much, Jovi. I love you to Heaven and back.
 Meet Baby Rowan
Isn't she so sweet? I have a special place in my heart for this little girl and I never even met her.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Psalm 23

The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Your First Bow

40 days seems like a million... it's been far too long since I've put a bow in your hair.

I loved your hair. You had a lot of hair... You also had an awesome receding hairline. In fact, as you were born, the nurses asked if your brother had a lot of hair. They said you had a ton of hair. When you were placed on my chest, I looked down and couldn't tell you had a full head of hair because of your hairline... but when I looked you over closely I realized what they were talking about. You did have quite a bit of hair. As you got older, you hair not only grew longer, but started falling out, too. It still looked so cute. I often put headbands to cover up a lot of the bald patches. I still remember the excitement I felt when I realized that hair on top was long enough for a clip! I snapped several pictures of that day... and you gave me several funny faces. They are, also, some of my favorites. I miss you so much. I wish you were here. I wish I could just give you a big snuggle. What are you doing in Heaven? I love you, Joves, to Heaven and back.

Friday, August 17, 2012


Oh, little girl, I'd rather be looking at those pretty blue eyes than looking at your headstone.

Uncle J finished your headstone. He did a great job. Daddy installed it today. He did such a great job. I told him just to pay someone to do it... but he wanted to do it all by himself. He is so brave. You have the best daddy around. I know you were smiling as he did this for you. Thank you to Grandpa and Uncle S for helping, too. It's perfect for a perfect girl.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Happy Birthday, Baby.

It's been far too long since I've kissed those sweet cheeks.

It's your 5 month birthday today. No mommy should have to wish their baby "Happy Birthday" in Heaven.  I hope you are getting a celebration in Heaven. This birthday has been harder than last months. Maybe because you have been gone for an entire month birthday... we've missed your entire 4th-5th month. That is heartbreaking. Today has been very tough. I miss you so much and wish I didn't have to send my birthday wishes to Heaven.

We have been keeping busy around here. Going from playdate to playdate. Cash loves playing with friends and I love chatting with the mommies. I don't doubt you check in on us and make sure we are doing ok. We are hanging in there as best we can.

I read your ER note. It was so hard. Nothing stings like "There was no heartbeat ever". But, I'm your mommy so I had to read it. Sadly, it's a piece of you I have here.

Do you remember the last photo shoot I did of you? You looked so cute. I am so glad I took them. They are some of my favorite pictures.

Do you eat cake in Heaven? If so, I hope you get a big ole' piece. I miss you so much. I love you to Heaven and back.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

1 Month

While one month seems like an eternity since I've seen you... it also feels like I was snuggling you just yesterday. It's been far too long since I've seen that big Jovi smile.

I hit some big milestones these last few days. I didn't journal in two days. Big. I didn't sleep with your blanket in my bed for 2 nights. Bigger. I haven't used sleeping meds for 3 nights. Bigger still. And... we had our first big milestone (or whatever you call it) since you've been gone... you've been gone for a whole month. Biggest. And, ya know what? I survived each and every one of them. There were tears. There were a lot of tears. BUT, I survived. I even smiled some! We've spent the last few days up at the cabin. It was so nice there. Nice to get out of town. Nice to escape for a bit. I think of you so much. I think so often of what life would be like if you were with us here. Life's began to feel like our new "normal". I hate so much that I'm getting used to you being gone. I'm getting used to you not being here. It's starting to feel more normal and I hate that more than anything. It's hard not to just get so mad that I have to feel that. That I have to find my way through life now without you. Mommy's shouldn't have to do that. But, I'm trying really hard. I'm trying really hard to live without you. I have your brother and your daddy and Jesus. With these guys, I can do it. They are helping me so much.

Speaking of helping- we've been so blessed. We've been shown so much love and support from our friends and family. To those who have sent me texts at the PERFECT time, to those who have been there to listen to me cry on the phone, to those who've listened while I vent, to those who've helped us financially, to those who have prayed for us, to those who have stepped up and been there for me... I am so thankful. I am so blessed. I couldn't be doing this if any of these people haven't been there for me. I'm sure you are in Heaven and smiling, baby. You have so many who love you. I am so afraid of when people start to forget and life moves on normally for them. Life will never be normal for us... but, then again, I never want anyone to have to carry this. I'm so thankful for the those who have stepped in and provided me with more support than I could ask for...

Your daddy and I got matching tattoos! We love them and love that we have something that feels like a piece of you that gets to go with us everywhere.

Cashy misses you. He talks a lot about you. Lately, he's been saying he wants another baby in the house. I know you'd like that, too. I don't doubt for a second that you'll be an amazing big sister. Did you know Cash sleeps with Jovi Bear (a pink angel bear that came on flowers from your service) every night. I love that little bear, too. Jovi Bear even came to the cabin. I love it's like another piece of you that comes with us everywhere... a tangible piece.

I miss you so much. I hate that you aren't here. I hate that life is getting into a routine without you. We are surviving. I know you'd be proud of us. I miss you so much, sunshine. I love you, Jovi, to Heaven and back!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Day 29

29 days... feels like a million lifetimes since I've kissed those little hands.

What a busy day. I got up and went for a run. I always do better with runs... then I went to work. Work went well. Your pediatrican is amazing... did you know that? She loves you and our family so much. I think she is taking your death hard. I think she is playing the what if game a lot... or the if only's. I wish she wouldn't. She is so good to you and our family and has really made me feel like you are important to her. I missed you today. I cried a little at work. I cried when she said she changed the way she practiced because of you. That means a lot... work was hard, but good. The people there are all so kind. I'm very blessed to work there. Anyway- I then went to lunch with Nana. We talked a lot about you. We always talk a lot about you... Nana is so great. She listens and she loves you so much. We went to Uncle S's and Aunt J's for dinner. It was great. Auntie J and I talked a lot about you and the baby they lost. Are you playing with A? Was she there to greet you in Heaven?

I think today is the first day that I only felt like I couldn't breathe maybe a handful of times (so far). That's a HUGE feat. Huge. In fact, it's hard not to feel guilty. But, I have to remind myself... you'd rather me feel like that then feeling like I can't breathe all day. I am learning. I am learning and trying hard at life without you.

I was talking to Cashy about you tonight. He asked earlier if Jesus could put a baby in mommy's tummy. He misses you so much. I think more than we realized. He loves you so much and is such an incredible big brother. We were talking about you and what you were doing in Heaven. He said you were playing... I asked him if he knew what you like to play with in Heaven? He got sidetracked and said to pretend my necklace was a spaceship and it was going to burn me with its flame... Oh the mind of a 3 year old. He really keeps us moving. He's really saved me. He's made me continue my life and not let it fall to pieces. He has a really special job and he's been doing soooo good at his big job.

I miss you so much. I bet you are smiling as we speak and that makes me smile. Did you send me the pink sunrise this morning? It was beautiful. I love you, baby, to Heaven and back?

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Day 28

4 weeks... how can it seem like I was holding you just yesterday, but also feel like I haven't held you in years all at the same time? It's been far too long since I've twirled that chimpanzee hair between my fingers.

What a morning. I missed you a lot this morning. Really a lot doesn't begin to cover it. The english language doesn't have much vocabulary for the words I've been trying to find lately. I'm wondering when I will wake up without a stomach ache in the morning. I miss you so much my tummy hurts. I hate the feeling. I hate that I have to miss you. That I can't just come in and pick you up when I'm tired of you sleeping. I would do that, you know. Just miss you so much I'd just go wake you up. I hate that I can't do that anymore. I can't kiss your cheeks. I can't kiss your lips. I can't nurse you... there are too many can'ts... way too many can'ts. Mommy's shouldn't have to do this. I shouldn't have to miss my baby so much that I hurt. I shouldn't have to pick out where you are going to be buried. I shouldn't have to be grateful for Uncle Justin making your headstone. Mommy's shouldn't have to do this... bottom line. I guess, today, I miss you so much I hurt.

That's all I have today I think. I'm feeling frustrated and mad, right now. People keep saying grief has different steps... but I read someone who said it was like a river. It has all kinds of different twists and turns. It's not just a straight road. I flow between sooo mad, soo depressed, sooo sad, heartbroken, feeling ok, feeling hopeful, back to sooo mad... it's not steps for me. It's not days either. It's hours. One hour I feel so sad and my heart hurts so bad I can barely breathe. The next I feel hopeful about our future (never about your death), and then the next I'm so mad and find that this is entirely unfair. That's about where I am... And maybe will be for a long time. I'm also not sleeping well without the assist of any sleeping medicine. I'm working on weening myself off of them, though.

What are you doing at this minute? I know you are having fun. I can't wait to see your face. I'll tell you that everyday. Send me a BIG Jovi smile tonight. I love you, Joves, to Heaven and back.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Day 27

27 days feels like a million lifetimes (it sure doesn't feel like the blink of an eye). It's been far too long since I've kissed those pretty little lips (even though Nana always told me not to kiss your lips... I loved it).

Hard day. I think I say everyday is a hard day... it is. Woke up and went for a run with Nana. That's a great start to my morning. I wish I would remember that...went to Cash's dentist appt. He did okay. Did you see him being a big fat grouch at first? Then, we went and visited your grave. I love to visit you, but it makes me so sad. Why do we have to visit our baby at the cemetery? Life is so unfair at times... We cried a lot. Your brother, thankfully, cracks us up. Even in the most depressing, raw sad times he can make us laugh. Thank you, Jesus, for him. Let me say that again- thank you, Jesus, for Cash. We watched a movie. I missed you the entire time. Had a really rocky afternoon. Then, Elise and Heather came over. That was nice. I love when people come over and create distractions for us. We have plenty of time by ourselves... the last thing we need is to be left alone more at this point.

Losing you has created the most raw, intense, and unbearable pain I've ever experienced. Sometimes, I just choose not to go there. It's too hard and I don't want to feel it. Some hours (I'm not to days yet) I just choose to not let myself experience it. Please, don't worry that I'm not grieving... trust me... I am. It's just that sometimes I don't want to do it in that moment. And, I think that's okay. It's the way I'm coping. It's the way I'm learning to live without you. All life would be sucked out of me if I lived there every moment of everyday. Life has to go on. Losing you has been so hard, so difficult. It's been awful. It's been unreal. I've felt cheated. I've felt life is unfair. I've felt mad. I've felt ticked off. I've been so frustrated. I've been heartbroken. I've been sick to my stomach with grief and sadness... I could continue to go on... the emotions I've felt are only ones I've heard and hope that no one we know ever have to experience them. It is so difficult. Losing you has been the hardest thing ever. I don't want to lose my life, lose your brother's life, lose your daddy's life, lose our marriage.... we are coping to the best of our abilities. We are trying so hard. We are trying for you. It's tragic enough that we lost you... we don't need to lose anything/anyone else because of this horrific event.

You'll be 5 months on the 16th. It's crazy how I never thought ahead. I never looked at milestones with you. I wonder how much of that was because you were my second, or because I always had a feeling in my heart that you wouldn't be with us for long. Or maybe because you gave us so many health scares... I never thought of you even being 5 months... I hope you get a big celebration in Heaven. I lived everyday moment by moment with you never rushing or hoping for the next moment. Just simply enjoying and loving what you were doing at that moment in time even if it was having a gigantar barf all over our living room or drenching company in your barfs. I loved every single moment of everyday being with you and being your Mommy. I hope you realize that. It's crazy to me how I always have thought that we would teach our children all about Jesus... now I pray He is teaching you about me and that you haven't forgotten my love for you. Or that you remember you time here. You remember how much you are loved. That you remember how I strived to do what was best for you.

I talked about you a lot today. It feels my heart more with joy than with sadness when I talk about you. I cry because you died. Because you are not here. Not because I'm discussing you. You've taught me more than anyone. You have taught a lot of people. Today, a friend told me that you gave her inspiration to find joy in even the most terrible moments with her babies. That made my heart feel just a little bit happy. Because I feel that everyday. You taught me that. You really taught me that. I have really tried to become a better person. To live life to the fullest everyday (even though sometimes my heart literally feels like it can't beat it misses you so much). To love Jesus. Even in the midst of one of my most awful, raw, terrible, heartbreaking, I-can't-breathe moments... I still love Jesus. I still believe He is the king of kings. I still love Him. I still believe He is good. God didn't take you away. He is with me. He is grieving the loss of you with me. He is heartbroken with me. He is making the best of this situation. He welcomed you with loving arms and is taking care of you until your mommy can come. He loves you so much, baby. He loves us so much. Our future is good. Our life is good. We will survive this. Jesus loves us. God is love.

I miss you so much and wish you were in your bassinet next to me. I am giddy with excitement for the day I get to see your beautiful face in Heaven and be able to hug you again. I hope you know just how much you are loved. I love you, Joves, to Heaven and back.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Day 26

26 days feels like way too many... it's been far too long since I've seen those pretty, blue eyes.

Hard night last night. It was my first night without assistance sleeping. It was the hardest night yet. I'm pretty sure I cried myself to sleep. Daddy came in and woke me up when I finally did fall asleep... and he was crying. We miss you so much, little girl. It's amazing how you left such an impact on our lives. How we can miss someone so much who has only been with us for 3 1/2 months (1 year if you count the time we found out about you)? I tossed and turned all night. I woke up feeling like I had a hangover. I had a hard morning. A really hard morning. We went and watched Daddy paddleboard. Then, went to Art on the Green with Nana and Papa. It was so nice to get out of the house... I always feel better once I've taken a shower. I should remember that...

I went through your room today. Everytime I passed it I thought I should start working on it. It made me sad to think it could get dusty... I didn't want your stuff to get dusty. It was so hard to see all your little clothes. Some of my most favorites. Some you never even got to wear. I put them all organized into bins as I pray we get to love on your baby sister someday. It was so hard to take things off the walls... or to put everything away. I miss you so much. You should be wearing these clothes. They shouldn't be put into bins this soon for the next baby... You should be drooling on them. Remember, everytime I put you in a white onesie, you had an explosion all over it? So many of your white onesies are stained. It made me smile to think of that... and of course, I saved them. I saved everything. They are pieces of you we have left with us and how could I let them go?

All I can think lately is why us? Why you? It's so frustrating at times. It makes me so mad... we are good people. We loved you so much. I was a good mommy. I strived everyday to give you and your brother the best life I could. It would make it easier if I had some answers. If I even had some answers as to why you left... What made you stop breathing... We did everything we could, baby. Everything to make you feel loved... Did you? Did we show you enough love while you were here? Did you like our house... your home? Is God telling you about me? Do you remember me? Are you watching over us? I sure hope you are... I hope you remember us even though your time with us was far too short. I hope we did enough to make you remember...

I miss you so much. I miss that giggle. That smile... those hands... those feet. Words can never describe how much I love you. I can't wait to hear your laugh or to see your smile. I love you, baby, to Heaven and back.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Day 25

25 days feels like a trillion. It's been far too long since I've snuggled you.

Another rough morning. I did realize the sleeping medicine I was taking (Ambien) makes me feel disgusting and makes me have freaky dreams. So, I'm flying solo tonight. No sleeping pills for the first time in, well, 25 days. It's probably for the best. I missed you more than words could describe today. We went boating. All I could think of the entire time was how I wished you were there with us or that I couldn't even go because you couldn't go. I'd much rather stay home with you, baby. We, also, went to the Street Fair and Taste of CDA. It was so hard without you... passing all the girl headband booths and cute hats... last month I would have stopped and looked at them for you. It was so hard. I also wished I was worrying about you and about how I would have been freaked about you being in the sun. I wish I was... I wish is in my vocabulary a lot these days. To sum it all up, I wish you were here. Auntie Jo and Uncle Justin hung out with us tonight. It's so nice to have them over.

My heart is so broken. It's going to be broken forever. A piece of it will always be missing and will always hold a special spot for you. People say we are doing great. I just think I've realized I have give your brother the most fun and normal life that I can. He doesn't like to see me sad. Not to mention you really showed me to live life to the fullest. To love the most that I can... I don't want my life to waste away or our family to fall apart. It's been hard enough on all of us losing you... we can't lose anything else. I'm trying really hard to make the best of this super awful (words can't even begin to describe terrible) situation.

What are you doing right at this moment? Is there mountains in Heaven? I miss you more than anything... I love you, baby, to Heaven and back.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Day 24

It seems like a lifetime since I've held you. It's been far too long since I've made you smile.

What a rough day. I had a really hard morning. All I could think of all morning long is what if I had heard your alarm as soon as it went of? Would it have made a difference? Would you still be here today? I was taking a shower and praying really hard. Crying out to God saying I was sorry... feeling like I'd failed you. I suddenly felt like no matter what I did or would have done, you would still be in Heaven. It had to have been God. I suddenly felt an overwhelming peace when I was soooo depressed and heartbroken not two seconds before. Whether it was July 10th or July 15th... you were not meant to be with us long. I believe that with my whole heart. I am not sure what I think about God taking you... I wonder if something about you was "wired wrong" to put it simply. Something in you was not correct and if July 10th had taken a different course, another day could have played out exactly like July 10th. As much as I miss you, I'm thankful I never have to live that day again. It was the worse day of my life, but it will NEVER happen to this family again. In Jesus name, we will never experience a tragedy like this ever again.

It is so crazy how July 10th was so normal. I worked. I worked out at the gym... then you were gone... it's so crazy how life goes on as "normal". I can't just stop time for a few days to grieve the loss of you. To attempt to get some grasp on this... I have to keep moving. Maybe that's a good thing. I'd imagine it is. I've always been a go-getter. I hate staying home couped up in the house all day. I hate dwelling on things. I hate complaining. I've always just put on my good face and attempted to make the best at what as been given to me. I can say I've continued that same mentality. My heart is more broken than I could say. I'm devastated you are gone. I cry for you daily. But, I'm trying the best I can to deal with this in the best way I know how. I'm trying so hard to be brave. To be strong. To not let life fall apart. To give your brother and daddy the best of me and to keep life going as normal as possible for your sweet brother. I think you'd be proud.

Today wasn't super eventful. Cash got an Echo and an EKG to make sure he has no underlying cardiac conditions (in case we missed something in you). He did so great. I'm sure you were watching and smiling. We hung out at Nana and Papa's. I miss you so much, baby Jovi. I wonder what you are doing right now? Are you dancing? I can't wait to see that face. Life isn't the same without you and it never will be. Daddy and I decided to try sooner for a baby than we'd originally thought. Let Jesus know we'd love to be blessed with a strong, healthy baby who of course, can never, ever replace you. You will forever hold a special place in my heart. A big part of my heart says "Reserved for Jovi". I hope right now in this moment you are so happy. I know you are feeling loved and your life in Heaven in more incredible than I can ever imagine. I love you to Heaven and back.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Day 23

I never would have thought I'd go 23 days without seeing your face... it's been far too long since I've seen your skinny feet.

I missed you today. We went shopping with Auntie Jo and Uncle Justin. We left Cashy at Grandma Alice's. It was so sad all day thinking about how we wouldn't be picking you up... or you weren't with us... My heart is so broken. I'm trying so hard to try and live life without you. It's so hard going shopping or thrifting or anything for that matter without you... It's hard living with a broken heart. It's so hard living with a very broken heart. Somedays I wish life would slow down... that I could just stop life for a few days to grasp this... but life doesn't stop. For me, I think that's the best. I've always not liked staying home... I've always liked to just keep going... just keep trying to move ahead regardless of the obstacle in my way. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. I pray I will never experience something like this again. This has been hard enough. It's hard putting on my brave face. But, I'm doing it, baby. I'm living life for you. There is a lyric from a song that makes me cry because it's about losing someone you love, but it's how I feel or am trying to live... it says "I won't waste a minute without you". I take this as living life to the fullest. You've taught me to do that. You've taught me to love everyday. To love everyone. To love your brother every second of every day. To love your daddy to the moon and back. You've taught me to live my life everyday to the best of my ability. I'm trying so hard... it's sooo difficult, but I'm doing it for you.

It's so hard to see clothes out shopping. I've realized your gone and I don't think things like "I should buy that for Jovi" or "That would look cute in Jovi's room". It's so sad, still. I try to remind myself you were never meant to wear a size 9 month or 2T or 5T or even to wear a prom dress or a wedding dress. I feel a little cheated. Cheated out of having a daughter to experience all of these things with... While my heart will ALWAYS hold a special place for you, I pray that God gives you a sister here someday. I loved dressing you in pink and in pretty headbands. I miss picking out your clothes. I loved putting together something new everyday. You were so fun to have in our house. I can't even begin to tell you how much fun I had loving you everyday.

Our house is too quiet without you. My job is too easy. I miss you so much. I wish more than anything you were still with our family. How is Heaven today? What are you doing? There was a beautiful sunset tonight. It made me think of you. It looked like Heaven... like you were just beyond the clouds. I can't wait to see you. I can't wait to see what you've been doing. I can't wait for you to show me everything. I love you, Jovi Lu Lu, to Heaven and back.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Day 22

22 days seems unfathomable... but I've made it. It's been far too long since I kissed those chubby cheeks.

Today was a big day for me, baby. I went back to work! It felt good, actually. Getting back to something that was normal. I liked being back. Hard. But, good. I saw your chart and it now says "Deceased". Broke my heart just a little more...Nana and I went to lunch after. I went to a SIDS Fun Run meeting. It left me feeling disappointed. I'm sad that the money we were going to give in your name is going towards sleep sacks... my passion doesn't lie in this... it's in finding a reason for SIDS. Don't get me wrong, I'm ALL for creating public awareness, and teaching the proper ways to sleep babies.... I am. If this money the majority of the money was for beds for babies... I'd get that. I'd be all for that. I guess I just don't think a sleep sack would have saved your life since I knew not to put a blanket on you. Not to mention, I've reading say if a blanket is entirely over a baby's head... it can still get enough oxygen. How can I market these if I don't fully believe in them? I want to see your money go to finding a cause... I want it to go towards research or grants or... I don't know. Something that can find the problem.... in the mean time, I really am for public awareness and education. Especially hearing multiple times that people didn't even know SIDS still exists.... I believe it's sooo important. Back to sleep, no blankets, no bed sharing... I get that. I'm willing to help with that. I want to help with that. BUT, so much of me wants this money to go towards finding the cause. I only wish a portion of their proceeds goes to research or something.... The people were so kind. Liz was amazing and I think as support people- they are great. But, I just don't think I can help with the run this year. I can get a lot of participants or hand out flyers... but I can't ask for money. I can barely talk about you without crying... I just need some time.

I'm so tired today. I went running with Nana this morning... we were slow. I love when she runs with me. We can talk about anything or cry if we need to... she's the best Nana. It's time for me to go to bed. I missed you all day today. I love you, Jovi, to Heaven and back.