Thursday, August 2, 2012

Day 23

I never would have thought I'd go 23 days without seeing your face... it's been far too long since I've seen your skinny feet.

I missed you today. We went shopping with Auntie Jo and Uncle Justin. We left Cashy at Grandma Alice's. It was so sad all day thinking about how we wouldn't be picking you up... or you weren't with us... My heart is so broken. I'm trying so hard to try and live life without you. It's so hard going shopping or thrifting or anything for that matter without you... It's hard living with a broken heart. It's so hard living with a very broken heart. Somedays I wish life would slow down... that I could just stop life for a few days to grasp this... but life doesn't stop. For me, I think that's the best. I've always not liked staying home... I've always liked to just keep going... just keep trying to move ahead regardless of the obstacle in my way. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. I pray I will never experience something like this again. This has been hard enough. It's hard putting on my brave face. But, I'm doing it, baby. I'm living life for you. There is a lyric from a song that makes me cry because it's about losing someone you love, but it's how I feel or am trying to live... it says "I won't waste a minute without you". I take this as living life to the fullest. You've taught me to do that. You've taught me to love everyday. To love everyone. To love your brother every second of every day. To love your daddy to the moon and back. You've taught me to live my life everyday to the best of my ability. I'm trying so hard... it's sooo difficult, but I'm doing it for you.

It's so hard to see clothes out shopping. I've realized your gone and I don't think things like "I should buy that for Jovi" or "That would look cute in Jovi's room". It's so sad, still. I try to remind myself you were never meant to wear a size 9 month or 2T or 5T or even to wear a prom dress or a wedding dress. I feel a little cheated. Cheated out of having a daughter to experience all of these things with... While my heart will ALWAYS hold a special place for you, I pray that God gives you a sister here someday. I loved dressing you in pink and in pretty headbands. I miss picking out your clothes. I loved putting together something new everyday. You were so fun to have in our house. I can't even begin to tell you how much fun I had loving you everyday.

Our house is too quiet without you. My job is too easy. I miss you so much. I wish more than anything you were still with our family. How is Heaven today? What are you doing? There was a beautiful sunset tonight. It made me think of you. It looked like Heaven... like you were just beyond the clouds. I can't wait to see you. I can't wait to see what you've been doing. I can't wait for you to show me everything. I love you, Jovi Lu Lu, to Heaven and back.

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