Tuesday, August 28, 2012

I. Miss. You.

What a week. It's been so hard lately. It's so easy to get into a hole and feel like I won't be able to get out. It's such a heavy feeling thinking that I'll be grieving the loss of my sweet girl forever. This is going to be with me until the day I die. It's so easy to feel so sorry for myself and think that this is my life forever. It's a constant reminder that my life is still going to be good. "Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life" in on repeat through my brain these days. I'm rummaging through all of this. I'm trying so hard to push through and to continue to try to enjoy life.

I've finally realized that I did the best I possibly could for my baby. I worked through the guilt. I've prayed. And prayed. Cried. I feel like at this time I can confidently say that I did the best I could for Jovi. I laid her down the best way I knew for her. I put her in the best bed I knew for her. I fed her the best I could. I gave her the best life I could. I did the best I could for her. I finally feel grace. I can't say how the guilt can just eat away at your soul. How mad I've been at myself. How I've beaten myself up daily with the "what if's" and the "if only's"... It's so easy to let the guilt and blame flow into your heart and your brain. I did the best I could. I feel like I've received a peace that can only come from God, that this would have happened regardless of the day or where/how she was sleeping. Now, that I seemed to have pulled through that... a new process of grief has came into play. This grief ride is a crazy ride. It seems as though you work through one thing and then you are automatically thrown into something else. I'd imagine it's because our brains can only take so much. I'm wondering more now why Jovi died. What was wrong... sometimes I like to think that it was her heart... something wasn't quite right. It's hard to read the article pointing towards rebreathing their own carbon dioxide... but again, I did the best I knew for Jovi. I am pretty sure we will never know. I'll just continue processing through that one... I've been trying so hard to work through each of these issues as I would hate to shove them under the rug and they blow up years down the road. It's so hard.

We are finding a routine. We are finding our new normal. It's comforting, mostly. So sad that it's without someone very important. It's still so sad to realize how this routine is becoming normal, but Jovi isn't a part of it. But, the routine is comforting. I like knowing what we are doing. We get up... Cash and I (and Daniel if off work) do something in the am. We eat lunch, then Cash takes a nap. I've set nap time aside for down time... whether that be completely vegging out and watching TV or reading a grief book (lovely). Katrina recommended a new devotional, so I've been plugging through that. So far it's good. It's usually always something I need to hear. Then, Cash is up. It's nice to have  a time set aside to just think about Jovi. I seem to do far worse when I don't have time. Especially when it has to do with BIG stuff. It's hard to jump from one thing to another without having time to stop and think. Or to be with people who don't realize what has happened. Talking about Jovi helps so much. It's healing. I went from a baby shower straight to a bachelorette party this weekend. All with people who don't really know what happened. That was hard. But, I survived. That seems to be my mantra these last few weeks.

I can't begin to describe how much I miss her. Or how much it hurts that I'm starting to forget her little giggle. It's so sad to think that. I knew it would happen. I wish so much I got it on video. I'm so thankful for the videos I do have. I'm so thankful they will always help me remember that sweet little voice. I'm so thankful for the pictures I do have. I'm so thankful for the time I got to spend with her. I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. I miss you so much, Jovi girl. I love you to Heaven and back.

"After the suffering of his soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied." Isaiah 53:11

Sorry it's sideways. I don't know how to flip it.

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