1 Month

While one month seems like an eternity since I've seen you... it also feels like I was snuggling you just yesterday. It's been far too long since I've seen that big Jovi smile.

I hit some big milestones these last few days. I didn't journal in two days. Big. I didn't sleep with your blanket in my bed for 2 nights. Bigger. I haven't used sleeping meds for 3 nights. Bigger still. And... we had our first big milestone (or whatever you call it) since you've been gone... you've been gone for a whole month. Biggest. And, ya know what? I survived each and every one of them. There were tears. There were a lot of tears. BUT, I survived. I even smiled some! We've spent the last few days up at the cabin. It was so nice there. Nice to get out of town. Nice to escape for a bit. I think of you so much. I think so often of what life would be like if you were with us here. Life's began to feel like our new "normal". I hate so much that I'm getting used to you being gone. I'm getting used to you not being here. It's starting to feel more normal and I hate that more than anything. It's hard not to just get so mad that I have to feel that. That I have to find my way through life now without you. Mommy's shouldn't have to do that. But, I'm trying really hard. I'm trying really hard to live without you. I have your brother and your daddy and Jesus. With these guys, I can do it. They are helping me so much.

Speaking of helping- we've been so blessed. We've been shown so much love and support from our friends and family. To those who have sent me texts at the PERFECT time, to those who have been there to listen to me cry on the phone, to those who've listened while I vent, to those who've helped us financially, to those who have prayed for us, to those who have stepped up and been there for me... I am so thankful. I am so blessed. I couldn't be doing this if any of these people haven't been there for me. I'm sure you are in Heaven and smiling, baby. You have so many who love you. I am so afraid of when people start to forget and life moves on normally for them. Life will never be normal for us... but, then again, I never want anyone to have to carry this. I'm so thankful for the those who have stepped in and provided me with more support than I could ask for...

Your daddy and I got matching tattoos! We love them and love that we have something that feels like a piece of you that gets to go with us everywhere.

Cashy misses you. He talks a lot about you. Lately, he's been saying he wants another baby in the house. I know you'd like that, too. I don't doubt for a second that you'll be an amazing big sister. Did you know Cash sleeps with Jovi Bear (a pink angel bear that came on flowers from your service) every night. I love that little bear, too. Jovi Bear even came to the cabin. I love it's like another piece of you that comes with us everywhere... a tangible piece.

I miss you so much. I hate that you aren't here. I hate that life is getting into a routine without you. We are surviving. I know you'd be proud of us. I miss you so much, sunshine. I love you, Jovi, to Heaven and back!