Sunday, August 5, 2012

Day 26

26 days feels like way too many... it's been far too long since I've seen those pretty, blue eyes.

Hard night last night. It was my first night without assistance sleeping. It was the hardest night yet. I'm pretty sure I cried myself to sleep. Daddy came in and woke me up when I finally did fall asleep... and he was crying. We miss you so much, little girl. It's amazing how you left such an impact on our lives. How we can miss someone so much who has only been with us for 3 1/2 months (1 year if you count the time we found out about you)? I tossed and turned all night. I woke up feeling like I had a hangover. I had a hard morning. A really hard morning. We went and watched Daddy paddleboard. Then, went to Art on the Green with Nana and Papa. It was so nice to get out of the house... I always feel better once I've taken a shower. I should remember that...

I went through your room today. Everytime I passed it I thought I should start working on it. It made me sad to think it could get dusty... I didn't want your stuff to get dusty. It was so hard to see all your little clothes. Some of my most favorites. Some you never even got to wear. I put them all organized into bins as I pray we get to love on your baby sister someday. It was so hard to take things off the walls... or to put everything away. I miss you so much. You should be wearing these clothes. They shouldn't be put into bins this soon for the next baby... You should be drooling on them. Remember, everytime I put you in a white onesie, you had an explosion all over it? So many of your white onesies are stained. It made me smile to think of that... and of course, I saved them. I saved everything. They are pieces of you we have left with us and how could I let them go?

All I can think lately is why us? Why you? It's so frustrating at times. It makes me so mad... we are good people. We loved you so much. I was a good mommy. I strived everyday to give you and your brother the best life I could. It would make it easier if I had some answers. If I even had some answers as to why you left... What made you stop breathing... We did everything we could, baby. Everything to make you feel loved... Did you? Did we show you enough love while you were here? Did you like our house... your home? Is God telling you about me? Do you remember me? Are you watching over us? I sure hope you are... I hope you remember us even though your time with us was far too short. I hope we did enough to make you remember...

I miss you so much. I miss that giggle. That smile... those hands... those feet. Words can never describe how much I love you. I can't wait to hear your laugh or to see your smile. I love you, baby, to Heaven and back.

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