Monday, August 6, 2012

Day 27

27 days feels like a million lifetimes (it sure doesn't feel like the blink of an eye). It's been far too long since I've kissed those pretty little lips (even though Nana always told me not to kiss your lips... I loved it).

Hard day. I think I say everyday is a hard day... it is. Woke up and went for a run with Nana. That's a great start to my morning. I wish I would remember that...went to Cash's dentist appt. He did okay. Did you see him being a big fat grouch at first? Then, we went and visited your grave. I love to visit you, but it makes me so sad. Why do we have to visit our baby at the cemetery? Life is so unfair at times... We cried a lot. Your brother, thankfully, cracks us up. Even in the most depressing, raw sad times he can make us laugh. Thank you, Jesus, for him. Let me say that again- thank you, Jesus, for Cash. We watched a movie. I missed you the entire time. Had a really rocky afternoon. Then, Elise and Heather came over. That was nice. I love when people come over and create distractions for us. We have plenty of time by ourselves... the last thing we need is to be left alone more at this point.

Losing you has created the most raw, intense, and unbearable pain I've ever experienced. Sometimes, I just choose not to go there. It's too hard and I don't want to feel it. Some hours (I'm not to days yet) I just choose to not let myself experience it. Please, don't worry that I'm not grieving... trust me... I am. It's just that sometimes I don't want to do it in that moment. And, I think that's okay. It's the way I'm coping. It's the way I'm learning to live without you. All life would be sucked out of me if I lived there every moment of everyday. Life has to go on. Losing you has been so hard, so difficult. It's been awful. It's been unreal. I've felt cheated. I've felt life is unfair. I've felt mad. I've felt ticked off. I've been so frustrated. I've been heartbroken. I've been sick to my stomach with grief and sadness... I could continue to go on... the emotions I've felt are only ones I've heard and hope that no one we know ever have to experience them. It is so difficult. Losing you has been the hardest thing ever. I don't want to lose my life, lose your brother's life, lose your daddy's life, lose our marriage.... we are coping to the best of our abilities. We are trying so hard. We are trying for you. It's tragic enough that we lost you... we don't need to lose anything/anyone else because of this horrific event.

You'll be 5 months on the 16th. It's crazy how I never thought ahead. I never looked at milestones with you. I wonder how much of that was because you were my second, or because I always had a feeling in my heart that you wouldn't be with us for long. Or maybe because you gave us so many health scares... I never thought of you even being 5 months... I hope you get a big celebration in Heaven. I lived everyday moment by moment with you never rushing or hoping for the next moment. Just simply enjoying and loving what you were doing at that moment in time even if it was having a gigantar barf all over our living room or drenching company in your barfs. I loved every single moment of everyday being with you and being your Mommy. I hope you realize that. It's crazy to me how I always have thought that we would teach our children all about Jesus... now I pray He is teaching you about me and that you haven't forgotten my love for you. Or that you remember you time here. You remember how much you are loved. That you remember how I strived to do what was best for you.

I talked about you a lot today. It feels my heart more with joy than with sadness when I talk about you. I cry because you died. Because you are not here. Not because I'm discussing you. You've taught me more than anyone. You have taught a lot of people. Today, a friend told me that you gave her inspiration to find joy in even the most terrible moments with her babies. That made my heart feel just a little bit happy. Because I feel that everyday. You taught me that. You really taught me that. I have really tried to become a better person. To live life to the fullest everyday (even though sometimes my heart literally feels like it can't beat it misses you so much). To love Jesus. Even in the midst of one of my most awful, raw, terrible, heartbreaking, I-can't-breathe moments... I still love Jesus. I still believe He is the king of kings. I still love Him. I still believe He is good. God didn't take you away. He is with me. He is grieving the loss of you with me. He is heartbroken with me. He is making the best of this situation. He welcomed you with loving arms and is taking care of you until your mommy can come. He loves you so much, baby. He loves us so much. Our future is good. Our life is good. We will survive this. Jesus loves us. God is love.

I miss you so much and wish you were in your bassinet next to me. I am giddy with excitement for the day I get to see your beautiful face in Heaven and be able to hug you again. I hope you know just how much you are loved. I love you, Joves, to Heaven and back.

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