Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Cash is 5!

How can it be?!

It seems like he was born just yestersay. 

Cash Elliot- I'll never be able to tell you how you saved me. How you made me continue to laugh and how you kept me going through the darkest time of my life. You are my little man of the house. Tonight, you opened my door and put my seatbelt on! What a gentleman! You contine to make me laugh. You continue to make me more patient. You are my favorite boy. 

You've completed preK this year. You didn't like crafts because they made your arms too tired. You like snack time (no surprise) and being line leader. 

You took swim class.

You love taking selfies. 

You can ride your bike without training wheels. 

You rode the BIG roller coaster at the local theme park. I don't know anyone who was more excited to FINALLY reach 42 in. 

You became a big brother again. Lila has been just as good for you as she has for me. You pray over her often to live. You love to help her walk. You love to make her laugh. 

You love to make anyone laugh. You tell some good stories. You told a friend that we dropped our dog off in the forest then drove away. Not true. We did give her to friends and she was left at a house... Not the woods. 

You decided you didn't need to sleep with Jovi bear anymore. She slept in your closet a few nights and then you gave her to Lila. You, on your own, decided you were big enough to sleep without her. This made me want to cry. Not only because you are getting so big, but because I think it was your way of moving on. You haven't forgotten, but knew it was time. 

I can't even write down all the awesome stuff you've done this year. I love you, monkey. So much. I can't imagine life without you. I pray for you to live another day every night. And I am still thankful to hear your feet walking down to my room... Even if it is at 4:30 am. 

Life Goes On

I want to get better at posting on here and better at showing life can keep going after it falls apart. It can be rebuilt. You will find a new normal. You will smile again. It will never be the same. You will measure life in pre-fall apart and post-fall apart. In my case, pre-Jovi and post-Jovi. I, sometimes, long for my pre-Jovi life back. I was so blissfully happy and blissfully unaware that my life was going to drastically change. Ignorance can be truly bliss. I see how happy, immature, and young I look in pictures before she died and I barely recognize that person. I am happy now. But, it's very different.  

I am forever changed by Jovi's life. I'm forever changed by Jovi's death. And while I long to, sometimes, go back to life before she died, I realize who I've become. I realize how I am a totally different person. I'm wiser. More mature. More serious. I take nothing for granted. I enjoy the smallest things thoroughly.
 I love stronger. 
I live harder. 

Life does keep going and while I forever wish my baby was here to love and hold, I realize I can never get her back. So, I have to embrace the life I've been given. Embrace the path that was chosen for me. And as cliche as it sounds, live this life to the fullest. 

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Sweet Jovi

Jovi baby,

Tonight I sit here thinking about the person I've become because of you. I can't believe what you've done for me. All my babies are amazing blessings, but, you little lady, are something special. You are one of a kind.

You taught me so many things while you were here. You taught me so many lessons while you were still in my arms. It was times that you were here that you started to make me strong. You taught me that I can do so much on my own and you started building strength in my core. You've since continued to teach me strength in your death. More strength than I really ever wanted to know, but you have. You are amazing, baby.

You taught me life isn't perfect. Before you, I used to think everything was perfect and if it wasn't, I would never say. If money was tight or if you daddy and I were in an argument or if I got a ticket... I would never say those things... because it wasn't perfect. You taught me life isn't perfect and that's okay. Despite striving and doing everything in your power to do something, it sometimes doesn't work. And it isn't my fault. Sometimes, life is just entirely shitty and imperfect, and it's no ones fault. Do you remember when your brother knocked you over in your carseat in the cart at the store? One of my favorite memories of you now with you and your brother... but at the time, I was so embarrassed! But, life is imperfect. I am imperfect. When you died, I really realized how unfair, imperfect, and awful life can really be. And, I survived. I became more okay with imperfection.

Which leads me to being vulnerable. Never did I share emotion. Never did I show if I was sad or hurting or mad. You taught me emotions are okay; you taught me emotions are good. It's okay to share my struggles. It's okay to admit defeat. It's okay to have a shitty day. It's okay to be depressed. It's okay to feel fear and be terrified. You've taught me to be real. Vulnerable. Real. Share who I am with the world and not be afraid of how it responds. Do you see how remarkable you are?

Most importantly , you saved my soul. You made me love Jesus more than I ever realized possible. You made me strive to live for Him. You made me see Him in my everyday life. You brought Him into our home in so, so many ways. I could never say thank you enough for this. You, my dear, are the beyond incredible.

You continue to change me and impact me. You continue to do good. While I wish every day that you were still here, I see the impact you have made in your short life. I see you continuing to do good. I see God continuing to make the best out of the sheer awfulness of your absence. You are so good. God is so good.

You  are missed every second of the day. Your sister is starting to walk and I can only think of the best of friends you would be. You are an amazing big sister and I promise to keep you alive in our home, in your sister and your brother's lives. Your brother still talks about you. And how he misses you.

Will you visit me in a dream soon? I'm missing you so much. I'd love to snuggle you even just for a moment. You are remarkable and I continue to be blown away by the impact you've made in my life and of so many around me. I love you, baby, to Heaven and back.