Monday, January 25, 2016

Not Prepared.

I knew losing my baby was going to be so hard. I knew I would miss her every. single. day. I knew that years later, life would still not feel right. I knew that my soul would ache for her sweet little self every day and I knew that my life and myself was changed. As the years have gone by without Jovi, I've realized how much I lost when she died. Much was lost the day she died. More than I think I still realize... dreams, futures, stress was gained (multitudes of stresses). Not to sound so depressing, I should add that I gained so much insight and so much perspective along with all that I lost. I will forever wish my child didn't die to be where I am today though.

What I didn't realize is that my sweet boy would still long and ache for his sister three and a half years later. I didn't realize that he would remember. It seems sweet that he does but it breaks my heart that he hurts. I didn't expect tears on Christmas because Santa didn't fill her stocking. I didn't expect almost nightly conversations (lately especially) about Heaven and Jovi. I didn't expect nightly comments of how much he's missing her. I didn't expect comments of "Why do our babies die?".  I wast ready for passing a cemetery on a field trip and his innocent voice telling his best school friend that he has a sister who is buried in a cemetery because she died. And that sweet school friend already feeling awkward by death ignoring Cash's honest comment. Not prepared. Not in any way. I sort of thought he would forget. Not totally... We have pictures of Jovi all over and we speak of her often. She hasn't been placed away or hasn't been forgotten in our home. I mean the tragedy and the sadness. I thought he would vaguely remember he had a sister and more because we reminded him. We kept her memory alive. But, that doesn't seem to be the case. He's remembering on his own. I never wanted him to realize how unfair it was... and he has. He has asked why our babies die... why others don't. Why his sister died and others didn't... He had always sort of just accepted what happened to us and I had always hoped that he wouldn't realize that it is so, so, so unfair. But he does. And it's a killer. It breaks my heart in so many ways. He should never have had to endure this and it's awful he has to continue. My heart is hurting for him. I just wasn't prepared for his heart hurting and how that makes a mommy feel...

He had retired his sweet Jovi bear who slept with him for a couple years after Jovi died. She was so well loved and one day, I realized he had retired her to his little rainbow sister. The other night I went to tuck him in and realized Jovi bear was back in his bed and it was like a punch to the throat and a sheer indication of his hurting little heart. He's such a sweet and sensitive little guy and I realize he's doing all the right things and seems to be grieving in all the right ways. His mommy just wasn't prepared for his hurting heart.

Be praying for my little monkey.