Monday, July 29, 2013


I hate the statements we now get so often from people in stores...

"Oh wow... a girl and a boy... a perfect family."

Uh... if they only knew... We are far from perfect. I guess it just goes to show we never know what has happened in someone's life... someone may look at us and think we have it all... that we are so "perfect"... but little do they know, our daughter died. I've done this, too. Not in a statement to someone, but will think someone has it all only to learn they have suffered big, too. We are perfect in our own way... but not the way these people are seeing us.

"Oh lucky you. You got your girl."

This one was hard to swallow. I did have my girl. Then lost her. I was very blessed with another baby girl, but that one was hard not to say something. Jovi was my first girl. Jovi was my first daughter. I love Lila so very much; the love is the same for her as it is for Jovi. But, Jovi was my first girl. She should get that status...

I remember thinking that when we found out she was a girl... yay! Now I have a baby girl.

"Is this your first baby?" (In regards to Lila)
"No... third."
"Oh wow! How old are the the others?"
"How many kids do you have?"

I, also, hate these loaded questions. I hate it because sometimes I tear up telling complete strangers about Jovi. And, I feel bad for them when they ask an innocent question and get hit with a big answer. I have said three. And I have answered two. There are some I just can't say three... I need to work on that. I feel sick and guilty every time I leave Jovi out. But, somedays are just too hard. Somedays the people I vaguely know but will never see again... those ones are hard. The drug rep I used to see often at work... A random girl I went to school with... I usually always include her... but somedays are so hard already. I will get better. I want to always include her in our family because she is and FOREVER will be a part of us.

My sweet babies

Monday, July 22, 2013


We survived.

The 10th is over.

The 16th is over.

It sucked. It was a more-than-normal awful few weeks. What else can you say to describe reliving the last days you had with your baby... and having to relive the day your baby died... and the day you celebrated your baby's life? It was just awful. Reliving the hours and the memories was the hardest. She was alive... She was alive... She was alive... She was dead. UGH!!!

Sometimes the reality of Jovi passing is so daunting. Sometimes the fact that I have to live this the rest of my life is suffocating. Sometimes the sheer fact that my family will never be complete is just so... daunting. It can often send me into a panic realizing that this is forever. That for the rest of my life I have to live with a piece of me in Heaven. It's just so sad.

Not only does it make me panicked thinking that this grieving is FOREVER... if that's not enough... I then realized that I will worry about my kids (and husband) for the rest of my life. I know what it's like to lose a child. It isn't a nightmare. It isn't a fear... it's reality. I know what it's like. So, because I KNOW the sheer awfulness of my baby living in Heaven, I'm now terrified of losing another... The odds of Cash getting in an accident are larger than the odds of my baby dying of essentially nothing. I worry about Lila constantly and sometimes am surprised she is still alive. Often, I wake up and throw my hand on her just to make sure she is still breathing. I no longer enjoy Cash sleeping in... because I fear he's died. The other morning he slept so late, I was so scared to even go check on him... afraid of what I'd find. It breaks my heart we have to live like this. And it's not over. I have YEARS... DECADES... of worrying about my sweet babies. I find myself begging God to please not let me outlive anymore of my babies.

I was never a worrier. Never stressed out. Always was so laid back. Never high strung. A definite type B personality. Now, I am constantly stressed. Constantly worrying. I'm sure I've aged so much over the last 18 months... I'm sure my body just doesn't get what's happening. I, often, feel like I'm in system overload. It's been a month of sheer stress. Well, really, a year of just sheer stress and worry and grieving...

The only thing I can cling to is finding the good left in my life... and that my life will still have good. I have a God who loves me... One who will do ANYTHING for me. He loves me and not only will the next life be more incredible than I can imagine, I know He will still give me good in this life, too. The days are still sunny and filled with light in the midst of the storm of grieving. I still have an incredible family. I have a husband who loves me and our kids so much. I still have babies to snuggle and love. I have a lovely family who keep me laughing and entertained (thanks, Mom). I have friends who always remember my baby in Heaven and who keep me getting out and enjoying life. I do still realize the good... and that helps. It helps so much to have sun in the midst of my cloudy filled days. My life is still good and it still will be good.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28

Tuesday, July 9, 2013


I was wanting to blog every day leading up to July 10th. But, I couldn't do it. All they'd say is I just want my baby back and I miss her more than I can say. Because that's really it... I just wish more than anything Jovi was here. And I just miss her more than I ever thought I could miss someone. Tomorrow I have to relive. Tomorrow I have to redo. Today last year, was my very last day with my baby and I didn't know. I wish I could go back. I wish I could go back and save her. I wish I could go back and sleep next to her so I'd hear that monitor go off... I wish I could go back in time and just tell myself what was going to happen tomorrow. I wouldn't have went to work. I wouldn't have went for a run. I wouldn't have went to the store. I have accepted the fact that Jovi died and there's nothing I can do about it... but I wish I just would have held her all day that day.

July 4th was hard. It was the last major holiday spent with Jovi. We went to the parade and she napped in Nana's arms. We went to a BBQ at Nana and Papa's. Low key. This 4th, she was missed more than ever. Where was my toddling baby at the parade with her cute arm waving? Where was my sweet girl walking around waiting for fireworks to start? She wasn't there. Holidays often remind me so much that she's gone. Just the in my face emptiness... and the in my face huge gap between Cash and Lila. I just missed her.

July 5th- I don't remember what we did. Hate that.

July 6th- Same.

July 7th- We went to a little town nearby and watched the fireworks as a family (hubby worked the 4th). Jovi wore a darling green dress and played with a baby doll for the first time that day. She had on a brown headband. She slept in my arms the entire time the fireworks went off. She was so good. Cash got his face painted like spiderman. It was such a good day.

I love this picture of her... one of my favorites
July 8th- We went to the beach. Our first time at the beach as a family. Daniel's sister came along, too. Jovi napped at the beach under an umbrella. I didn't swim much because she didn't like being alone. It seemed impossible to keep her out of the sun. I put her feet in the water for the first time. She didn't like it. I can't for the life of me remember what she wore.... I couldn't after she died either. I hate that. I did so much laundry this day, too.

July 9th- Daddy went back to work out of town. Kids and I went to the beach with some friends. It wasn't a super nice day. Overcast and not very hot. Cash and Fin (our bonus guy) played in the sand with a new little friend, Molly. We went to my parents for dinner. My little brother held her for the first time since she was a newborn and then freaked out that my mom was going to make her throw up on him. We went to Walmart. My mom held her all through Walmart. A lady there held her, too (a friend of Daniel's). She was wearing a pink little Gymboree romper my sister-in-law got for her and a pink headband.

July 10th- Often, I just want to say F*CK YOU, July 10th (sorry for the language). But I do. This morning I went to work. My mother in law came to watch the kids. I dressed Jovi in a striped cotton sleeveless romper, but it was too tight on her legs. I didn't have time to dress her again so I unsnapped it and left another brown romper for my MIL to dress her in. Why didn't I get her dressed?! I went to work. I got off early so I went to the gym. Then, I even went to the store. Why didn't I just come home.... Jovi was napping when I got home. I ate lunch and woke her up. I nursed her. Played with her. Snuggled her. She got fussy so I laid her back down. Those were my last few hours with her. That was my last day with her. I wanted to go to Target to get shoes for Cash for a wedding he was going to be in that weekend. I went to wake her up and she was dead. I called 911. It's all a blur here but yet I remember every detail. I did CPR while dispatch occasionally had to yell at me to calm down. My dad was at my door. He took Jovi and handed her to the paramedic. And she was gone. My dad was out at his car for awhile. I just sat on the floor and cried. But, no tears even came. I remember feeling like I was going to throw up any minute. I can still remember that panic. A cop came in and said to get my shoes on and get in her car. The direction was nice. By this time, my dad was back and said he would drive me. Cop stayed with Cash until my mom could come get him. I called Daniel in my Dad's car. To this day, I hate that car. It reminds me of the day Jovi died. I swear I see it everywhere and it often follows me home since I live close to the fire station. We pulled into KMC and were taken in some back way. I still hate those doors. I'm glad they took me through the back way now. So I never have to walk through those doors again. No one said a word to me. Just stared. I felt like I was walking so slow. I remember what the lady looked like at the desk. We walked to her room. A firefighter said it wasn't good. I was told the mom can come in... and I stood and rubbed her head and talked to her until I was told she was gone. It wasn't until that moment I really realized our pediatrician was there. I remember exactly what the guy looked like that was bagging her. And then I just sat there and cried. Holding my lifeless baby. So many people came and visited us. Daniel finally arrived. I was "questioned" by a detective. Jovi started showing signs of death which made me feel like throwing up again and made me realize I had to get out of there. Then, we were told to go home. How the hell do you just go home? I remember thinking that was such a hard statement to swallow... Home... Home where it was no longer home. Home where my daughter died and home where my daughter no longer was... How do I just "go home"?

Time that day was insane. It seemed like it was moving so slow. Yet, so fast. How was time even still going? I remember walking out of the ER. The glass doors sliding open while I clutched the last outfit that touched my daughter's skin and the sun was shining... cars were driving. It felt surreal. How was the world still going when mine had just ended? How was the world still moving when mine had stopped. How was time continuing when all I wanted it to do was stop? We went to pick up Cash and his first question was, "Where is baby Jovi?". It was all so... surreal. I wish she was just down the road... somewhere where we could just go pick her up. And then we did. We just went home.

Jovi- I'm so sorry I didn't know. I'm so sorry I didn't know that July 10th was the last day I'd get to see you alive. I'm sorry I went to work and didn't spend every minute with you. I'm sorry you died alone in your bed. I want you to know I miss you more than words could ever say. I want you to know you were and are such a huge blessing to me. You and I had a strong connection from the minute you were born. Things with you were scary, but easy. I enjoyed every moment with you. I loved when you'd wake up in the middle of the night and we'd get time together just us. I held you every chance I got and often took naps with you. I loved carrying you in a wrap or front pack and almost always did. I loved seeing your face for the first time. I loved your sweet smile and your precious voice. I'd do anything to hear your sweet voice again or to hear your sweet giggle. I miss your fabulous chimpanzee hair. You had the best hair... I hope more than anything I get to Heaven and you are small. I hope you still have chimpanzee hair and that I can scoop you up, snuggle you and smell your sweet baby smell. I hope to see you take your first steps. I hope to see you get your first tooth. I hope to hear you say "mama" for the first time. I hope to see everything I've missed out on.... stay little for mommy, okay? I love you more than I could every say, baby. I miss more than I ever thought was possible. I love you to Heaven and back.

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Revelations 21:4

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

8 Days

July 2, 2012... How did I not know I only had 8 more days with you... I can't remember what we even did on this day last year. I know it had to be good, because you were there. I'm missing you more than ever pretty girl. I love you to Heaven and back.