The 10th is over.
The 16th is over.
It sucked. It was a more-than-normal awful few weeks. What else can you say to describe reliving the last days you had with your baby... and having to relive the day your baby died... and the day you celebrated your baby's life? It was just awful. Reliving the hours and the memories was the hardest. She was alive... She was alive... She was alive... She was dead. UGH!!!
Sometimes the reality of Jovi passing is so daunting. Sometimes the fact that I have to live this the rest of my life is suffocating. Sometimes the sheer fact that my family will never be complete is just so... daunting. It can often send me into a panic realizing that this is forever. That for the rest of my life I have to live with a piece of me in Heaven. It's just so sad.
Not only does it make me panicked thinking that this grieving is FOREVER... if that's not enough... I then realized that I will worry about my kids (and husband) for the rest of my life. I know what it's like to lose a child. It isn't a nightmare. It isn't a fear... it's reality. I know what it's like. So, because I KNOW the sheer awfulness of my baby living in Heaven, I'm now terrified of losing another... The odds of Cash getting in an accident are larger than the odds of my baby dying of essentially nothing. I worry about Lila constantly and sometimes am surprised she is still alive. Often, I wake up and throw my hand on her just to make sure she is still breathing. I no longer enjoy Cash sleeping in... because I fear he's died. The other morning he slept so late, I was so scared to even go check on him... afraid of what I'd find. It breaks my heart we have to live like this. And it's not over. I have YEARS... DECADES... of worrying about my sweet babies. I find myself begging God to please not let me outlive anymore of my babies.
I was never a worrier. Never stressed out. Always was so laid back. Never high strung. A definite type B personality. Now, I am constantly stressed. Constantly worrying. I'm sure I've aged so much over the last 18 months... I'm sure my body just doesn't get what's happening. I, often, feel like I'm in system overload. It's been a month of sheer stress. Well, really, a year of just sheer stress and worry and grieving...
The only thing I can cling to is finding the good left in my life... and that my life will still have good. I have a God who loves me... One who will do ANYTHING for me. He loves me and not only will the next life be more incredible than I can imagine, I know He will still give me good in this life, too. The days are still sunny and filled with light in the midst of the storm of grieving. I still have an incredible family. I have a husband who loves me and our kids so much. I still have babies to snuggle and love. I have a lovely family who keep me laughing and entertained (thanks, Mom). I have friends who always remember my baby in Heaven and who keep me getting out and enjoying life. I do still realize the good... and that helps. It helps so much to have sun in the midst of my cloudy filled days. My life is still good and it still will be good.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
You described it right -- daunting, suffocating. Each August 7th I do the same thing and again on Sarah's birth date. Throughout the years I, too, have found that counting the blessings of my life helps. Praying for you!ReplyDelete
Counting our blessings really does help. Thanks for reading, Pamela.ReplyDelete
I definitely resonate with everything you just said. I had a blog post about that, too. Just the FEAR of my other children dying. One time a few weeks after Link died, I found my 3 year old had fallen asleep on the couch. She had the blanket half over her face & she was just a bit pale. I almost COLLAPSED. Literally. I was shaking for the next hour. She was just absolutely fine, but the fear... oh the fear. You want to think that God would NEVER take another child after you've already lost one , but then you hear about it happening & you know it can be a reality, too. And you want to fight against it, but at the same time you know that God does what he wants to do (okay, needs to do, but sometimes it feels like that).ReplyDelete
I, too, feel like God is telling me to try and notice the good in life. I went to the doctor with my 5 year old a few days ago and this quote was on the wall: “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” (Helen Keller). That quote was the REASON I was at the doctor that day. It was something I needed to hear. I have a hard time sometimes staring at that closed door & forget to see all the goodness and great things the Lord has planned for me.
Sorry so long.
Praying for you!!