The 10th is over.
The 16th is over.
It sucked. It was a more-than-normal awful few weeks. What else can you say to describe reliving the last days you had with your baby... and having to relive the day your baby died... and the day you celebrated your baby's life? It was just awful. Reliving the hours and the memories was the hardest. She was alive... She was alive... She was alive... She was dead. UGH!!!
Sometimes the reality of Jovi passing is so daunting. Sometimes the fact that I have to live this the rest of my life is suffocating. Sometimes the sheer fact that my family will never be complete is just so... daunting. It can often send me into a panic realizing that this is forever. That for the rest of my life I have to live with a piece of me in Heaven. It's just so sad.
Not only does it make me panicked thinking that this grieving is FOREVER... if that's not enough... I then realized that I will worry about my kids (and husband) for the rest of my life. I know what it's like to lose a child. It isn't a nightmare. It isn't a fear... it's reality. I know what it's like. So, because I KNOW the sheer awfulness of my baby living in Heaven, I'm now terrified of losing another... The odds of Cash getting in an accident are larger than the odds of my baby dying of essentially nothing. I worry about Lila constantly and sometimes am surprised she is still alive. Often, I wake up and throw my hand on her just to make sure she is still breathing. I no longer enjoy Cash sleeping in... because I fear he's died. The other morning he slept so late, I was so scared to even go check on him... afraid of what I'd find. It breaks my heart we have to live like this. And it's not over. I have YEARS... DECADES... of worrying about my sweet babies. I find myself begging God to please not let me outlive anymore of my babies.
I was never a worrier. Never stressed out. Always was so laid back. Never high strung. A definite type B personality. Now, I am constantly stressed. Constantly worrying. I'm sure I've aged so much over the last 18 months... I'm sure my body just doesn't get what's happening. I, often, feel like I'm in system overload. It's been a month of sheer stress. Well, really, a year of just sheer stress and worry and grieving...
The only thing I can cling to is finding the good left in my life... and that my life will still have good. I have a God who loves me... One who will do ANYTHING for me. He loves me and not only will the next life be more incredible than I can imagine, I know He will still give me good in this life, too. The days are still sunny and filled with light in the midst of the storm of grieving. I still have an incredible family. I have a husband who loves me and our kids so much. I still have babies to snuggle and love. I have a lovely family who keep me laughing and entertained (thanks, Mom). I have friends who always remember my baby in Heaven and who keep me getting out and enjoying life. I do still realize the good... and that helps. It helps so much to have sun in the midst of my cloudy filled days. My life is still good and it still will be good.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."