Friday, August 30, 2013

13 Weeks

Lila is now 13 weeks (and 2 days... but who is keeping track). I can't imagine losing her in three weeks... How did I not know?! She is such a bright light in my life but can be so hard. Doing so much now her sister did..... Doing so much I remember her sister doing. I just can't imagine losing Lila. I never imagined losing Jovi. She just died. Just like that she was gone... but knowing the possibility is there is so, so very hard.

Jovi- not a day goes by that I don't think of you. Not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here... smooching too much on your baby sister. I was thinking of the first time I get to see you again... Know I think of our reunion often and that I can't wait to see who you are... See your smile... if you've gotten bigger... to hear your laugh... and to just snuggle you. Your mommy can't wait. I love you to Heaven and back.

Sisters at the very same age

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Real Life

Is this real life?

I just came home from a great vacation. It was a girls weekend and it was lovely. Great to see family. Great to show Lila off to family. Great to relax. Great to eat yummy good all day. Soo great to see my friend, Katrina, who lost her baby to SIDS just months before Jovi. Great to meet her new rainbow baby. It was wonderful. Then, I came home.

Coming home is always so hard. Hard because while on vacation it's so easy to just enjoy everything and not dwell on reality and the reality of losing my baby. I find myself not thinking about everything as much when I'm in a new place staying so busy. It was, also, hard to leave a friend who 100% gets my life. I can't say how great it is to be with someone who has been through what I have... Who just gets it. It's so... Freeing. It's just so nice to have someone get it. And then I have to come home. I missed my boys so much... So very much. Was so happy to see them. But, I hate coming home and realizing yet again, the severity of losing my baby. And that I don't get to come home to my entire family. And that I have to deal with losing my baby. I hate this. There is nothing easy about losing my sweet baby. Nothing. I hate just having to ask is this my real life? Yes, Molly, yes it is. This is your real life- forever missing your precious girl.

Jovi- I miss you tonight more than anything. I love you to Heaven and back.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Baby Lila

I haven't written about Lila much. I think mainly because it feels weird... maybe even a little wrong... to write about this new baby on Jovi's blog. And, also, because words just can't even begin to describe the last 10 weeks we've had with her.

When Jovi died, we lost a baby. With her went everything that babies bring... and Lila has brought all of those sweet baby-isms back into our home. Lila has brought us so much joy. It was today that I smelled her and realized just how much I had missed the baby smell... Having her has made me realize how empty my arms felt... and she came and filled them. Having her has made me realize just how much I missed nursing... and snuggles... and picking out girly clothes. Having her had me realize just how empty we felt as a family. Having her has brought so much laughter, light, love, peace, joy, hope... back into our lives. Words can't even describe what she's done for my heart. My SIDS friend said it right when she said she felt almost full. Lila doesn't negate Jovi's life. Lila doesn't take away my love for Jovi. Lila doesn't fill the hole in my heart that was created when Jovi died... but Lila helps. More than I ever thought was possible.

I still wake up most always startled that she has died. Or I guess it'd be correct to say I'm surprised she wakes up. We have an apnea monitor on her now and I can't begin to say how thankful I am for it. We are huge on safe sleep. It's also so sad that I don't and can't cosleep. I let Jovi sleep in our bed until she was 5 weeks and I loved it. I can't do that now with L and it makes me so sad. I still worry about her. I've cried because people have touched her without washing hands... terrified she's going to get sick. I've cried and been ready to go to the ER to admit her for prophylactic antibiotics when I thought I had a staph infection afraid it'd lead to meningitis for her. I'm scared. I'm terrified. Not all the time... but the panic will set in. More and more every day I hope she doesn't die as I love her more and more every day. Every day is getting easier with her. Every day I allow myself to love her even more. And it's scary.

She's brought bittersweet tears as well. She hasn't reached Jovi's age when she died, yet, and I can't imagine how I'll feel then... but already the memories are hard. She doesn't look much like her sister. But, she does do things her sister did. She hates the swing. And her carseat. We ask her, often, if her sister taught her to cry in the swing because "they'll just pick you up". Jovi loved the bath. She'd kick and kick... and flail her arms all around. We always called them her "esercizes" as Cash says... Lila started making the same movements days ago. I just watched her... tearing up remembering saying the same things to Jovi. Tearing up remembering Jovi. Tearing up thinking how I couldn't call Jovi in and say, "You used to do this very same thing!". And tearing up thinking how blessed I am to get another chance. How blessed I feel to get to experience a sweet girl all over again. Again- they aren't the same. But, feeling blessed to be able to experience "esersizes", baby smells, baby smiles, headbands, baby coos, baby feet, baby bellies, baby hands, denim skirts, sleepless nights, crying car rides, little giggles, baby snuggles, eating one handed... all over again. I love it.

Lila and Jovi look pretty different if you ask me. Their personalities are different, too. Jovi was very easy going. Never cared about eating. Barely cried. Nothing really made her mad... She was just so laid back. She was a slender, tiny little thing. Lila is more demanding like her brother was. She's a beefy girl. I love it. And love that she's following more in her brother's footsteps than her sister's. She cries when she wants something... Cries if you hold her the wrong way. But, she is really sweet. And mostly easy going. Just not as much as Jovi was...

Cash is in love with her. Loves her a little too much, sometimes. I am so happy for him. So happy for him to experience a sister again. I love to just watch him snuggle her and talk to her. Always telling her "Your brover is here". He is so happy. He tells me all the time how much he loves her. I think he's happier, too.

Jovi girl, did you teach your sister your tricks? I'd do anything to know if you've met her... I'd do anything even more to have you here. Here to snuggle on her, too. Lila makes me miss you even more. Did you tell Lila to cry in the swing? Did you tell her about the tub? Did you tell her the carseat sucks? I think of you all the time... Never forgetting your precious face. Never forgetting you are part of our family and how you should still be here, too. I miss you more than yesterday. I love you to Heaven and back.

"Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life... and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever..."
Psalm 23:6