Friday, June 20, 2014


I've struggled so much with the saying "Everything happens for a reason". Or "God took your baby because He needed another angel". Really anything that blames God for taking my baby. 

When Jovi died, I was inundated with scriptures. Scriptures that said only good would happen to me if I followed Christ. Wait, wasn't I following Him? Didn't my baby just die? Or that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh. Or there is a season for everything. So, there is a season for my baby dying? I didn't get it. None of it made sense. People gave me these scriptures thinking they'd make me feel so much better about Jovi's death. They didn't. 

I've recently been thinking more about this. Thinking about God and where He is in all of this. And I have drawn my own conclusions about God and His love for me. 

Christ loves me. He loves me. He loves me in a way I could never imagine. I look at the way I love my own children and God loves me even more than that. It boggles my mind, really. The love He has for me is out of this world. The mercy He has for me is indescribable. The forgiveness He has for me is incredible. So, this loving God, one who loves me in a way that's even more than the way I love my very own babies, He took my baby from me? I don't think so. And I can't think so. 

The way I see it, no matter what my child did, I would love him/her. My children are disciplined. They have punishments. But, despite any terrible, horrible thing they did, I couldn't/wouldn't ever punish them
in the way of taking their baby. I wouldn't beat them. I wouldn't drag them down. I wouldn't want to ever cause them intense, heartbreaking, horrendous grief. Grief and heartbreak that would follow them their entire lives. I wouldn't. And God loves me more than that. 

I don't believe Jovi was taken to teach me a lesson. I don't believe Jovi was taken to teach someone else or one million someone else's a lesson. I believe that Jovi died because we live in a messed up world. We live in a cruel world where some really horrible crap happens. Life is so unfair. And I believe she died simply because of the messed up, cruel world we live in. 

But, I do believe that my God is bigger than the messed up, cruel, and horribleness this world can have. My life turned black and white when Jovi died. It had no color. And God brought color to my black and white. He is bigger than death. My God is good. My God is loving. My God is kind and gentle. He's peace. He brought good out of something so awful because He is better and bigger than this life. He was able to take something so horrendous and make good things come out of it. 

God didn't take my baby. He didn't cause my heart to break. He didn't turn my life upside down. He brought me color. He brought me joy where I never thought I'd see it again. He brought me good. 

God is good. 

God is love.

 God is gentle.

God never promised it'd be easy, but He did promise He'd always be there. Things can happen for no reason at all, but He has the power to bring color to your black and white. He is bigger than death and bigger than this world. He will always let His light shine through. And for that light, I'm more thankful than I could ever say. 

She turns 1!

Lila June turned 1! And what a celebration we had! 

LJ- words can never explain what you've done for my heart. Words could never explain the sheer joy you've brought to our home. You love life. I know God sent you down to be a smiley, happy little lady to fill our home with many more smiles and much more happiness. The year has been hard. I've had times I thought you had died and I can't begin to explain the heartache and stress that was/is. It was worth every second of stress, though. 

You walk! You are walking all about. I'm so surprised considering you were so lazy. 

You talk! You say ball, baby, and mama. You had lots of ear infections and just got a set of tubes (talk about stress). All these words came after they were put in, so I'm so glad we did them! 

You laugh! Your laugh is the best sound. 

You smile! You love life. I say it all the time. You are filled with joy. Always smiling and always happy. You do everything in a BIG way. Not just chubby big ;) 

I can't wait for millions of more days, memories, and milestones with you. 

It's days like these that I remember I am blessed.