Tuesday, April 19, 2016

All the Feels

Our camera was sitting on the counter and I just put it away in its spot in a cupboard. It's been sitting on the counter for weeks in preparation for our new little guy's arrival. I'd see it cooking the kids' breakfast (okay, putting waffles in the toaster), it'd catch my eye when cleaning the kitchen... It was a symbol of excitement that a baby could come any day. I remember telling my husband we needed to charge the cameras and how this was not only exciting because a baby was near, but, also, that I had faith that this little tot was going to live and that's big for this baby loss mama. I had a little sting of sadness as I put it away knowing that the excitement of impending "Meet Baby" operation was now over. 

Jett Max made his entrance into the world two minutes before midnight on April 9th. It was one of the most magical days of my life as is the other days that I've first caught glimpse of each of my four babies. He was a surprise... In more ways than one. We didn't know we were incomplete as a family or that we needed another being in our house until we learned of his presence months ago. We knew he would be our last and decided to mix it up and not find out his gender. There was much anticipation upon his arrival as we finally found out if we had a son or a daughter. He's been nothing short of sweet. He's brought that sweet newborn smell back into our house. He's made Lila a big sister and he gave Cash a brother. He's completed our "little" family. He's even slightly less stressful as I feel more confident... I've kept two alive. I've raised a rainbow. I can do this. 

With that being said, he comes with a mark of sadness. Each of his firsts is our last. His first car ride was our last time bringing a baby home from the hospital. I cried upon this realization (Thank you post partum hormones). Not only cried but, also, insisted to my husband that we couldn't possibly say no to another one of these sweet, perfect gifts. I'm sure he thought I was going insane as weeks before we had laughed... Okay seriously contemplated, too... About how we were going to handle three kids here on Earth. 

As the post partum fog has lifted and I'm finding I'm more of myself (no longer crying over car rides and umbilical cord belly buttons) I've realized that these emotions are going to come regardless of its it your first baby and last or your tenth baby and last. We can't continue having babies to keep those emotions at bay and at some point, we have to be done in baby land. Our life won't be over when we don't have a baby in the house anymore and my role as mom is going to change but I  will be just as needed and just as important taking kids to soccer games and piano practice as I trade in changing diapers and nursing. We will enter a new phase and it will be good and it will be wonderful. It's okay to mourn what we are trading in, but just because it's different and new- doesn't mean it's going to be any less.

I'm excited to see where we go and how my kids grow. As I've accepted this today, doesn't mean I still don't struggle with letting it go. If you see Jett out in tiny clothes, it's simply because I can't let go of the incredibly tiniest of tiny newborn sizes. And that's okay.