4 weeks... how can it seem like I was holding you just yesterday, but also feel like I haven't held you in years all at the same time? It's been far too long since I've twirled that chimpanzee hair between my fingers.
What a morning. I missed you a lot this morning. Really a lot doesn't begin to cover it. The english language doesn't have much vocabulary for the words I've been trying to find lately. I'm wondering when I will wake up without a stomach ache in the morning. I miss you so much my tummy hurts. I hate the feeling. I hate that I have to miss you. That I can't just come in and pick you up when I'm tired of you sleeping. I would do that, you know. Just miss you so much I'd just go wake you up. I hate that I can't do that anymore. I can't kiss your cheeks. I can't kiss your lips. I can't nurse you... there are too many can'ts... way too many can'ts. Mommy's shouldn't have to do this. I shouldn't have to miss my baby so much that I hurt. I shouldn't have to pick out where you are going to be buried. I shouldn't have to be grateful for Uncle Justin making your headstone. Mommy's shouldn't have to do this... bottom line. I guess, today, I miss you so much I hurt.
That's all I have today I think. I'm feeling frustrated and mad, right now. People keep saying grief has different steps... but I read someone who said it was like a river. It has all kinds of different twists and turns. It's not just a straight road. I flow between sooo mad, soo depressed, sooo sad, heartbroken, feeling ok, feeling hopeful, back to sooo mad... it's not steps for me. It's not days either. It's hours. One hour I feel so sad and my heart hurts so bad I can barely breathe. The next I feel hopeful about our future (never about your death), and then the next I'm so mad and find that this is entirely unfair. That's about where I am... And maybe will be for a long time. I'm also not sleeping well without the assist of any sleeping medicine. I'm working on weening myself off of them, though.
What are you doing at this minute? I know you are having fun. I can't wait to see your face. I'll tell you that everyday. Send me a BIG Jovi smile tonight. I love you, Joves, to Heaven and back.
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