Friday, August 3, 2012

Day 24

It seems like a lifetime since I've held you. It's been far too long since I've made you smile.

What a rough day. I had a really hard morning. All I could think of all morning long is what if I had heard your alarm as soon as it went of? Would it have made a difference? Would you still be here today? I was taking a shower and praying really hard. Crying out to God saying I was sorry... feeling like I'd failed you. I suddenly felt like no matter what I did or would have done, you would still be in Heaven. It had to have been God. I suddenly felt an overwhelming peace when I was soooo depressed and heartbroken not two seconds before. Whether it was July 10th or July 15th... you were not meant to be with us long. I believe that with my whole heart. I am not sure what I think about God taking you... I wonder if something about you was "wired wrong" to put it simply. Something in you was not correct and if July 10th had taken a different course, another day could have played out exactly like July 10th. As much as I miss you, I'm thankful I never have to live that day again. It was the worse day of my life, but it will NEVER happen to this family again. In Jesus name, we will never experience a tragedy like this ever again.

It is so crazy how July 10th was so normal. I worked. I worked out at the gym... then you were gone... it's so crazy how life goes on as "normal". I can't just stop time for a few days to grieve the loss of you. To attempt to get some grasp on this... I have to keep moving. Maybe that's a good thing. I'd imagine it is. I've always been a go-getter. I hate staying home couped up in the house all day. I hate dwelling on things. I hate complaining. I've always just put on my good face and attempted to make the best at what as been given to me. I can say I've continued that same mentality. My heart is more broken than I could say. I'm devastated you are gone. I cry for you daily. But, I'm trying the best I can to deal with this in the best way I know how. I'm trying so hard to be brave. To be strong. To not let life fall apart. To give your brother and daddy the best of me and to keep life going as normal as possible for your sweet brother. I think you'd be proud.

Today wasn't super eventful. Cash got an Echo and an EKG to make sure he has no underlying cardiac conditions (in case we missed something in you). He did so great. I'm sure you were watching and smiling. We hung out at Nana and Papa's. I miss you so much, baby Jovi. I wonder what you are doing right now? Are you dancing? I can't wait to see that face. Life isn't the same without you and it never will be. Daddy and I decided to try sooner for a baby than we'd originally thought. Let Jesus know we'd love to be blessed with a strong, healthy baby who of course, can never, ever replace you. You will forever hold a special place in my heart. A big part of my heart says "Reserved for Jovi". I hope right now in this moment you are so happy. I know you are feeling loved and your life in Heaven in more incredible than I can ever imagine. I love you to Heaven and back.

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