Sunday, November 4, 2012

It's Official

Jovi has officially been gone longer than she was here... how is that even possible? People always say that once a new baby is in your life, you can never remember how life was like before they were here. The statement is so true. I remember wondering how I'd handle two kids... if I could ever love a baby as much as I loved Cash... and then she arrived. It's amazing how they just fit right into your life. Just days into her life with us, I remember thinking I couldn't even remember what it was like with just one child. I was so in love with her... I don't know what I was even worried about. What no one tells you though, is when your baby dies, you remember exactly what life was like when they were here... life still doesn't feel normal without her even though we've now lived the same amount of time without her as we did with her. It's still weird to only get one kiddo ready for the day. It's still weird not to have a baby crying in the middle of the night. It's still weird I only put one kiddo to bed. It's still weird... it still doesn't feel right. I have read that missing someone so much means you loved them so much. I'd rather remember and feel weighted and older than to just forget.

There are numerous times I want to tell everyone in our community that we took the bullet for them. I just want to say... "Don't worry. I took the bullet for you. Your baby will live because mine didn't." It's so hard. I constantly see a baby and the first thought in my mind is wondering if she'll live or not. Then, I remember the statistics. She will live. I don't ever want babies to die. I never want another family to go through what we are going through. I never want that... not ever. But, that doesn't mean I don't wish it wasn't us or that I feel like we really took a major bullet.

I know I've written about time before... but I feel like I've aged so much in the last 116 days. Years... I feel like years have gone by in some ways. It feels like she was just here yesterday and my mind can barely comprehend she's been gone as long as she has... then in other ways it feels like she has been gone for decades. Ugh.

I have been reading the Bible lately. I'm trying to read it in a year. I've started in Genesis. It was interesting to read that in Bible times if someone (Jacob when "lost" Joseph) loses a loved one, the mourning period was 70 days. 70 days... that's a ton of time. I'm sure they still mourned their loved ones after those 70 days but there was 70 days just contributed to mourning. We don't do that here in America. It's nothing... You are expected to return to life as soon as possible. While I've never felt anyone saying that we need to move on or get over Jovi... I do feel like life just keeps going. We have no practices to let families just grieve. I think that's pretty sad.

Speaking of our country, did you know to claim your baby on your taxes they have to live for six months? It's not the money.. it's not at all about the money. It seems like they are saying my daughter didn't live... that to be qualified as your child our baby needs to live for six months. We give many people free health care, many people quite a bit of money for free food, we give many people tools for school (computers.... books.... iPads....), but to receive any penny for your baby, they must live for at least six months. I, also, think this is very sad. Please, I'm all for helping people out. I don't mind helping people with healthcare or food that need it... I just find it so sad that my daughter isn't deemed "our child" until she's lived long enough.

Anyways- Jovi baby, you are missed. I went to Auntie Jo's birthday today. All I could think of was that I'd never be able to hang out with her for so many hours during the day if you were here. I'd much rather have spent the day with you... unable to do certain things because I still have a nursing baby. I still cherish and love every minute we spent together. Do you remember when you would throw up on your sheets multiple times a night... at least three times before you'd fall asleep... and I'd have to change them everytime? Do you remember when I'd have to change you multiple times in the morning to get your outfit just right? I loved every minute with you. Every. Single. Minute. I can't wait to see your beautiful face. I can't wait to worship Jesus together. I can't wait to snuggle you. In the blink of an eye for you, sweet girl. I still miss you every second of everyday. I love you to Heaven and back.

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

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