People may wonder how I can feel faith and love for God even though my baby isn't here. For me, it's more I can't imagine life without Him. There are days I'm so, so sad and heartbroken and I'm only standing because of Him. I did/do have so many questions. I had to work through so many. There came a time that I had to just accept that God didn't save her. For some reason, unknown to me, God decided not to save my baby. Accepting that is difficult and so very sad. But, I don't have a doubt in my mind that someday I will get to Heaven and I will know why and it will all make sense. I have no doubt that God will make the best of this situation. Without this faith and hope in God, I'd be so, very lost.
I've definitely felt angry with Him and that doesn't mean I don't occasionally still do. I've wondered "Why us?"... or compared myself to other parents... or just plain cried that it isn't fair. It's not fair. God never promised us a fair life. He never promised that those who loved Him would have it easy. He did promise though that He'd always be there. He did promise that He'd always comfort us. He did promise that we will get to live forever with Him. I'd say those promises are pretty great. Very great.
Before Jovi died, I was very blessed (I still am blessed) and had never experienced the death of someone I loved. Jovi threw me off my seat... Her death shook my world and made it really feel destroyed. I've questioned life more than ever and have searched more than ever. Even when I'm angry with God, I still always come back... needing/wanting Him more than I did before. I can, honestly, say if it wasn't for God... I wouldn't be getting out of bed. He makes me want to keep living. He makes me want to help others through this awful, terrible thing we've been forced to deal with... He makes me want to strive to be better. I'm so thankful for everything He's done for me... so very thankful.
Jovi- I continue to be so thankful for every minute I got to spend with you. Remember when you were just born and I held and snuggled you for forever? You didn't even get weighed or measured for over an hour. I loved that. I miss you so much. I still think of you every second of every day. What are you doing right at this moment? I love you, sweet girl, to Heaven and back.
|"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8|