Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Day 14

Two whole weeks... who would have ever thought I could be away from you for two whole weeks?? I was thinking a lot about you today. On Saturday, we went to a fireworks display. It's like a little fair. We walked all around and I held you. You liked looking at all the people. We got good seats for the fireworks. I changed you into your jammies. You ate and fell asleep. I put you in the frontpack. You were kinda fussy as it was way past your bedtime. I just stood and rocked you for forever until you fell back to sleep. You slept all the way home. Even from the transition from my arms to the carseat. I'm so glad I held you the entire time. I was thinking about our last day together as a family. We went to the beach. I was worried about keeping you out of the sun so you didn't sunburned. You didn't love the beach. It was hot. You took a nap under the umbrella. We had fun. You put your feet in the water. You didn't like it because it was so cold. I, basically, held you the entire time and just watched everybody else. But, I didn't mind. I liked it. I can't even remember what you wore. That makes me so sad. I remember on Monday you wore that pink romper that Auntie Jo gave you. On Tuesday, I put you in a pink striped romper, but it was too tight on your legs. I left the brown romper with the flowers for Grandma to change you in so your clothes wouldn't be too tight. Why can't I remember what you wore Sunday... Saturday you wore that cute dark green dress with the hippo on it... and the brown headband. We ate pizza after the beach and I did a billion loads of laundry. On Monday, Daddy went back to work. Finney came over. We went to the beach with Heather, Elizabeth, and Molly. It was slightly chilly. We came home. You, Cash, and Fin took a nap while I did homework. We went to Nana's after Fin was picked up. We ate pizza and you sat in your bouncy seat with us out on the porch. Cash stayed with Papa and we went to the store (Nana, you, and I). Nana held you around the entire store. One of the girls Daddy used to work with even held you. Tuesday, I went to work and Grandma spent the morning with you and Cash. I came home. You ate. We played. You played under your playmat. Then, I put you down for a nap which would be the last time I ever put you down for a nap...

I've been thinking more how frustrating and unfair it is that you are gone. I did everything I could to be a good mommy. I ate good while I was pregnant with you. I didn't even get an epidural when you were born! I ate good while I was nursing. I never complained. I never wanted to be away from you... I strived everyday to be a good mommy. I don't get it... I'm so confused. I am not mad. I just am so confused and I just don't get it. I just don't get why you were taken soooo early when you were nothing but loved. Why? I guess is my biggest question...

We did some of our triathalon today. I was doing well until I realized how behind the boys I was... then I remembered I didn't get to train much because I was pregnant with you or because you were too little to leave so I could train. Then, I remembered you aren't here. You won't be there at the finish line. I had a bit of a break down on the run. It's so hard remembering all the things I was looking forward to, then remembering those aren't going to happen anymore. Your sweet face will not be there cheering me on race day. Can you see us from heaven? Will you cheer me on from the best seat ever?

I love you, baby. Today was a struggle day. I miss you so much. Did you know that Jamie, the zumba teacher, is doing a Zumba event for you? I can't remember if I've told you yet or not. I took the big picture from you service to her today so everyone can see you while they are dancing. Miss you, babes, so much. Talk to you tomorrow.

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