Monday, September 24, 2012


Oh, grief. It pretty much sucks to say the least. There really isn't any way to sum up what this feels like... super sucky, sh*tty, the worst thing ever.... nothing. I've tried to come up with some adequate way of explaing what if feels like to lose a baby, but I really just can't do it.

For me- it's been so difficult. I stayed in the "what if's" or "if only's" for the first entire month. They were so hard. The guilt was so heavy. I felt like there was still some hope she could come back. If only I'd woken her up sooner plagued me daily... all day long. I felt so guilty for the way I laid her down. I've worked through the guilt, mostly. Of course, it still flares up from time to time but not near was often as it did in the beginning. I was the best mom I could be to Jovi. I did everything I could for her and I don't doubt that anymore.

The anger set in after that... I remember so often being just so ticked off. So mad this had happened to us. So mad that moms who neglected their babies still had them. So mad any mom still had their baby in general. So mad at doctors for not saving her. So mad that she didn't have certain tests done when she was alive. So mad at myself. Mad that God allowed this to happen to my family. Eventually, I worked through most of that... We all did the best we could with Jovi, doctors very much included. I still can't say why she died. But, I don't think God violently/madly took her away from me. So when the anger left (mostly, of course)...

I was left with just extreme sadness. At the end of the day, my baby is still dead. At the beginning of every day, my baby is still dead. Every day, Jovi is still dead. It's so hard. It's so sad. The hope that she will come back is gone. I don't have anyone to be directly angry at anymore. I'm just so sad. Some moments are just so entirely hard.

I still have hope for our future. My life with Jovi was headed one direction and the day she died it shot in an entirely different direction then I had planned. I do believe our life will still be good. Our new path isn't doomed forever (although, I feel so vulnerable now). I pray, hope, and am trying so hard to have faith, that we will continue an amazing life despite the death of our baby.  But, I'm still very sad. I miss her so much. I, so often, think of her. She's still my first thought in the morning and the first at night. It's amazing how such a short time with her left such a huge impact on my (our) life. I do feel so entirely blessed for every single moment I spent with her and am so thankful for all the memories. I'd do this all over again even if we only were allowed the same amount of time together.

I love you, Jovi, to Heaven and back.

Jovi's favorite apple toy

Just going for walk in June

Jovi LOVED her snuggle wrap


  1. (((Hugs))). Thinking of you and your sweet Jovi!

  2. I love how she always looked surprised with her big pretty eyes

  3. My name is Laura, and I came upon your blog today after working on my own. My husband and I lost our daughter last November. She died from different circumstances, but here we all are, walking the same road of grief...

    I just wanted to let you know a perfect stranger is out here thinking and praying for peace in your heart, and in complete and total understanding of where you are.