My BIG girl...

Happy EIGHTH month birthday, baby. How is it possibly fair you are celebrating in Heaven? How is it possible I've not been able to see you on your fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, and now eighth month birthdays? It doesn't seem possible... or as I always say... at all fair. Somedays I wonder how I'll celebrate dozens of more birthdays of yours without you. Somedays I want nothing more than to just come and see you. I hope you are getting some super big snuggles... I'm sending you lots.

I'm sitting next to Cash right now and he has a little fever. I should be sitting here stressing and hoping you don't catch whatever bug he has... but I don't get to... I guess I should be thankful you don't ever have to experience yucky sick bugs. It's hard to be thankful for anything that involves you being in Heaven.

I was giving Cash a bath last night and thinking how much fun you guys would have had taking baths together and if you weren't in the bath at that moment, you'd probably be close to crawling. Sitting and moving all around our floors... My mind can't even think of what you'd look like at this age. I just think of you as sixteen weeks... maybe just bigger.

I miss you so very much. I wish so much you were here. I wish you were snuggling with us on the couch right now. I wish I got to snuggle you when you were sick. I wish I didn't have to miss out on so much of your life. I know Heaven is amazing. I'd do anything to just be able to come for a visit... I love you so much, little girl... to Heaven and back.

4 Months

How can it be? How have we hit four months already? How come I have to see four months without you, but I didn't even get four months with you? This all so unfair.

We hit your four month anniversary while Cash and I (Daddy had to work... bummer) were away on a trip. We were "helping" my aunt after she had surgery. I wasn't much help... I did a lot of child wrangling... but my mom did all the cooking and cleaning. Anyways- being out of town made for a good distraction. But, made coming home hard and so very sad. Being away takes your mind of things. I still thought of my sweet girl the entire time. I thought about what it'd be like if she had been there. Coming home missing one very important person is so hard. It's just the huge reminder that Jovi isn't here. It hits all over again that we have to live with this. It's always hard coming back to reality.

While we were away, I was able to meet Katrina. Katrina is my friend I found on the CJ SIDS parent page. She (in a roundabout way) knows my family down there. She lost her sweet Rowan to SIDS in May. We've talked a ton, texted lots, and sent back and forth many emails. We finally got to meet face to face. I've been meaning/needing to blog about meeting her since I got home, but everytime I sat down to write about I couldn't do it. I can't even explain how it feels to just be with someone who gets it. Everything we said, the other understand. Completely. How I wish we never had to be friends... but we can't change our fate. We have to be in this club. I'm SO thankful for her and thank God for putting her in my life. I really can't say how it feels. I think of her so much more than just a friend... she gets it. She gets how it feels to celebrate holidays without your baby. She gets how it feels to be terrified. She, so sadly, gets what it feels like to have to continue living after losing a love of your life. She just gets it. I really can't think of anyway else to say it... it's just such a blessing to have someone who is grieving like me... I was tearing up just having to say goodbye. She just gives me more of a reason to keep visiting. I'm sooo thankful God has given me her. She, also, has a little boy who is almost three. Cash and Jack had a great time. I was sure to tell Cashy that Jack had a little sister in Heaven, too. He said "They are playing together!". I'm sure they are.... maybe they even helped bring us together.

Jovi Sloan- I miss you more than words can say. I missed you so very much on our trip. I was, constantly, thinking how we'd have to be so careful shutting the door to the stairs if you were there. I'm so thankful for you. I'm so thankful for everyday I got to spend with you. Do you remember when we all went to the Fourth of July fireworks? You slept through them all. You were so sleepy, you didn't even wake up when I put you in your carseat when they were over. I loved snuggling with you during the firework show. I'm so thankful for all our memories. I wish we were able to have many, many more. I can't wait to see your beautiful face. I love you to Heaven and back.

"You can enter God's Kingdom only through a narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose the easy way. But, the gateway to life is small, and the road is narrow, and only a few ever find it."
 Matthew 7:13-14

Faith

I know death can turn people away from God or it can bring them closer. Jovi's death has definitely brought me closer to God. I feel like the day she died, shows God so much. It was no coincidence all the people God sent to me on that day. I've constantly thought I suddenly feel Heaven and can feel God so much more in my life. I see Him everywhere. I just realized it has to be partly because a piece of me is already in Heaven with Jesus. A big part of me went to Heaven on July 10th and will stay there until the rest of me makes it there. No one worry... I'm not having any thoughts about needing to get to Heaven tomorrow, but I can honestly say I can't wait to get there. I've always been afraid of dying. I'm not anymore. I can't wait for the day I get to see Jesus. I can't wait for the day I no longer feel pain, suffering, or grief. I can't wait for the day life gets a trillion times better than it is now.

People may wonder how I can feel faith and love for God even though my baby isn't here. For me, it's more I can't imagine life without Him. There are days I'm so, so sad and heartbroken and I'm only standing because of Him. I did/do have so many questions. I had to work through so many. There came a time that I had to just accept that God didn't save her. For some reason, unknown to me, God decided not to save my baby. Accepting that is difficult and so very sad. But, I don't have a doubt in my mind that someday I will get to Heaven and I will know why and it will all make sense. I have no doubt that God will make the best of this situation. Without this faith and hope in God, I'd be so, very lost.

I've definitely felt angry with Him and that doesn't mean I don't occasionally still do. I've wondered "Why us?"... or compared myself to other parents... or just plain cried that it isn't fair. It's not fair. God never promised us a fair life. He never promised that those who loved Him would have it easy. He did promise though that He'd always be there. He did promise that He'd always comfort us. He did promise that we will get to live forever with Him. I'd say those promises are pretty great. Very great.

Before Jovi died, I was very blessed (I still am blessed) and had never experienced the death of someone I loved. Jovi threw me off my seat... Her death shook my world and made it really feel destroyed. I've questioned life more than ever and have searched more than ever. Even when I'm angry with God, I still always come back... needing/wanting Him more than I did before. I can, honestly, say if it wasn't for God... I wouldn't be getting out of bed. He makes me want to keep living. He makes me want to help others through this awful, terrible thing we've been forced to deal with... He makes me want to strive to be better. I'm so thankful for everything He's done for me... so very thankful.

Jovi- I continue to be so thankful for every minute I got to spend with you. Remember when you were just born and I held and snuggled you for forever? You didn't even get weighed or measured for over an hour. I loved that. I miss you so much. I still think of you every second of every day. What are you doing right at this moment? I love you, sweet girl, to Heaven and back.

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8

It's Official

Jovi has officially been gone longer than she was here... how is that even possible? People always say that once a new baby is in your life, you can never remember how life was like before they were here. The statement is so true. I remember wondering how I'd handle two kids... if I could ever love a baby as much as I loved Cash... and then she arrived. It's amazing how they just fit right into your life. Just days into her life with us, I remember thinking I couldn't even remember what it was like with just one child. I was so in love with her... I don't know what I was even worried about. What no one tells you though, is when your baby dies, you remember exactly what life was like when they were here... life still doesn't feel normal without her even though we've now lived the same amount of time without her as we did with her. It's still weird to only get one kiddo ready for the day. It's still weird not to have a baby crying in the middle of the night. It's still weird I only put one kiddo to bed. It's still weird... it still doesn't feel right. I have read that missing someone so much means you loved them so much. I'd rather remember and feel weighted and older than to just forget.

There are numerous times I want to tell everyone in our community that we took the bullet for them. I just want to say... "Don't worry. I took the bullet for you. Your baby will live because mine didn't." It's so hard. I constantly see a baby and the first thought in my mind is wondering if she'll live or not. Then, I remember the statistics. She will live. I don't ever want babies to die. I never want another family to go through what we are going through. I never want that... not ever. But, that doesn't mean I don't wish it wasn't us or that I feel like we really took a major bullet.

I know I've written about time before... but I feel like I've aged so much in the last 116 days. Years... I feel like years have gone by in some ways. It feels like she was just here yesterday and my mind can barely comprehend she's been gone as long as she has... then in other ways it feels like she has been gone for decades. Ugh.

I have been reading the Bible lately. I'm trying to read it in a year. I've started in Genesis. It was interesting to read that in Bible times if someone (Jacob when "lost" Joseph) loses a loved one, the mourning period was 70 days. 70 days... that's a ton of time. I'm sure they still mourned their loved ones after those 70 days but there was 70 days just contributed to mourning. We don't do that here in America. It's nothing... You are expected to return to life as soon as possible. While I've never felt anyone saying that we need to move on or get over Jovi... I do feel like life just keeps going. We have no practices to let families just grieve. I think that's pretty sad.

Speaking of our country, did you know to claim your baby on your taxes they have to live for six months? It's not the money.. it's not at all about the money. It seems like they are saying my daughter didn't live... that to be qualified as your child our baby needs to live for six months. We give many people free health care, many people quite a bit of money for free food, we give many people tools for school (computers.... books.... iPads....), but to receive any penny for your baby, they must live for at least six months. I, also, think this is very sad. Please, I'm all for helping people out. I don't mind helping people with healthcare or food that need it... I just find it so sad that my daughter isn't deemed "our child" until she's lived long enough.

Anyways- Jovi baby, you are missed. I went to Auntie Jo's birthday today. All I could think of was that I'd never be able to hang out with her for so many hours during the day if you were here. I'd much rather have spent the day with you... unable to do certain things because I still have a nursing baby. I still cherish and love every minute we spent together. Do you remember when you would throw up on your sheets multiple times a night... at least three times before you'd fall asleep... and I'd have to change them everytime? Do you remember when I'd have to change you multiple times in the morning to get your outfit just right? I loved every minute with you. Every. Single. Minute. I can't wait to see your beautiful face. I can't wait to worship Jesus together. I can't wait to snuggle you. In the blink of an eye for you, sweet girl. I still miss you every second of everyday. I love you to Heaven and back.

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

Happy Halloween, Baby.

Yesterday would have been your first halloween. I was heartbroken that that I didn't get to dress you up. I didn't get to show you off in your sweet, girly costume. Your brother was so sad you weren't here. He even said, "But, I want Jovi to see my costume.". We assured him you could see it and that someday you'll tell me how cool he looked as Captain America. Yesterday wasn't the same without you. I would have done anything to have you out trick-or-treating with us. You were so, so, so missed. We trick or treated to your grave. Did you see the pumpkin we left you? I would have never thought I'd have to visit you at the cemetery on holidays. I'm so thankful people still remember yesterday was going to be hard. People acknowledged that we are missing someone so special.

I dreamed about you the other night. It was so good to see you.... to hold you and to snuggle you. I'll pray for more Jovi dreams. I LOVE them.

You are so very missed. You always will be. I'll always be missing you. I can't wait to come and see you. I know Heaven is amazing. I'd do anything to know what you are doing in this minute... are you being rocked by angels? I love you to Heaven and back, baby.

Captain America Cash

You wearing your brother's robot costume

"But, as it is written, “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9

Wishing

I have so many wishes since we lost our baby. I wish, first (obviously), that she was here. There are still days that I just sit and wonder why this was our fate. Why us? We're good parents. Good people. Why did she die? But, I get pretty much nowhere with those questions. I have no answers. I find myself wondering so often why my baby died. I was watching "Beethoven" with Cash the other day. Beethoven saved the little girl from the pool and all I could think was "Why does she get to live?". I know the statistics. I know rarely babies just die. I know this doesn't happen to many statistically. But, once it does happen, the statistic seems huge. We had a less than 1% chance of this happening to us. Less than 1% (.01%-.05% to be somewhat exact) and it still happened. Suddenly, statistics seem huge. Suddenly even 1% seems like a huge statistic. I wish I didn't know. I wish I never knew babies could just die. I can't say how vulnerable I feel after everything we've gone through. How suddenly it seems everything is going to happen. How suddenly a super small percentage feels HUGE. How I still breathe a sigh of relief when I see Cash's smiling face after he's been sleeping. I never care anymore if he wakes me up at 6:30 am... at least he still woke up. I've been doing so much better at not checking on him 100x's in a night, but I'm still so thankful when he does wake up. I wish I just never had to experience this.  I wish I didn't hold babies now and have to wonder and be sure they are still breathing. Ugh. I wish life hadn't taken this turn.

We miss you so much Jovi girl. I wish so much I could see you playing with Cash. Life is so much harder without you. Memories of you continue to fill my mind each day. I can't wait to see you. I'm so curious to what you've been up to... I've been sending lots of kisses up to you. I sure hope you are receiving every single one. I love you to Heaven and back.

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord." Psalm 40: 1-3

Somedays

I feel like all I ever do is blog about the bad/hard days. I'm sure it's because when it's hard... I'm so much more feeling the need to blog or to just write to Jovi. But, I do have good days. I do have days where breathing feels easier. I do have days where I feel like a smile isn't forced. I do have days where I can, honestly, say I can/will do this. Good days just feel lighter. Easier to live. Easier to breath. Easier to smile.... easier to do everything. It doesn't mean I don't think of her any less. I still think of her all day long, but the thoughts are better. Good days are always very welcomed. It's such a roller coaster. I'll have a good day, then I am back down into a bad day. But, that's okay. It's how this all works. I'll never get over her or move on, so good days/bad days will be a part of the rest of my life. It's amazing how it can still feel so raw at times. Like I am back to the day she died. There are days I wonder if I'm making any steps at all or if I'm still stuck. Stuck where I was over three months ago (already?). But, then I have days that are good. Or days I can pick up a book I stopped reading just weeks after she died. I read the book all the way up until the lady's baby died (baby was found to be incompatible with life while she was pregnant) and couldn't bring myself to read about the funeral or how she survived. All I could relate to was that her baby died at the time and I didn't care about after that at the time. I picked up the book yesterday and have really been liking it. I want to get my hands on everything on how people survived after loss. When months ago, all I did was google stories about other mom's who lost babies. Or only read the baby's story about how/why they died. Now, I'd much rather read life after the baby. How they are living. How they are grieving and what is working for them. I'd say that has to be growth. I've gotta be headed in some good direction however slow it may be.

Cash has been so sweet lately. He's really been talking a lot about Jovi. Asking a lot of questions or simply just saying memories about her. I love it. I love that he brings her up. Today we were playing at a friends house. They have a little baby. I saw Cash looking longingly at the baby boy. Then, he said to the big brother, "My baby is in Heaven.". It was so matter of fact. It had a hint of sadness, but it was so sweet. So innocent. And he brought up and acknowledged he had a sister all on his own. When I first heard it, it made me tear up and want to sob. Heartbroken that he doesn't get to experience Jovi's life and friendship; that he has to have a sister in Heaven. But, later it made me even smile a little bit. He brought her up. He remembered his baby all on his own. I love that.

Jovi girl- we had dinner at Nana and Papa's today. After cleaning up, I was sitting on the couch just thinking how you should/would be sitting and playing with toys. My mind can't even comprehend what you would be like at seven months. I can't wait to see. I'll say it until I'm blue in the face that I can't wait to see you. It still feels so strange living without you. I (we all) miss you more than words can say. You will forever be our baby. You'll forever be the girl who left such a major impact on our hearts and lives. I cherish EVERY single moment I spent with you. Thank you for waking me up at night. I love those extra minutes (sometimes hours) we shared.... I'll forever be grateful. I love you to Heaven and back.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; ;and when you pass through the rivers, they will sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." Isaiah 43:2-3