I have so many wishes since we lost our baby. I wish, first (obviously), that she was here. There are still days that I just sit and wonder why this was our fate. Why us? We're good parents. Good people. Why did she die? But, I get pretty much nowhere with those questions. I have no answers. I find myself wondering so often why my baby died. I was watching "Beethoven" with Cash the other day. Beethoven saved the little girl from the pool and all I could think was "Why does she get to live?". I know the statistics. I know rarely babies just die. I know this doesn't happen to many statistically. But, once it does happen, the statistic seems huge. We had a less than 1% chance of this happening to us. Less than 1% (.01%-.05% to be somewhat exact) and it still happened. Suddenly, statistics seem huge. Suddenly even 1% seems like a huge statistic. I wish I didn't know. I wish I never knew babies could just die. I can't say how vulnerable I feel after everything we've gone through. How suddenly it seems everything is going to happen. How suddenly a super small percentage feels HUGE. How I still breathe a sigh of relief when I see Cash's smiling face after he's been sleeping. I never care anymore if he wakes me up at 6:30 am... at least he still woke up. I've been doing so much better at not checking on him 100x's in a night, but I'm still so thankful when he does wake up. I wish I just never had to experience this. I wish I didn't hold babies now and have to wonder and be sure they are still breathing. Ugh. I wish life hadn't taken this turn.
We miss you so much Jovi girl. I wish so much I could see you playing with Cash. Life is so much harder without you. Memories of you continue to fill my mind each day. I can't wait to see you. I'm so curious to what you've been up to... I've been sending lots of kisses up to you. I sure hope you are receiving every single one. I love you to Heaven and back.