Tuesday, October 23, 2012


I feel like all I ever do is blog about the bad/hard days. I'm sure it's because when it's hard... I'm so much more feeling the need to blog or to just write to Jovi. But, I do have good days. I do have days where breathing feels easier. I do have days where I feel like a smile isn't forced. I do have days where I can, honestly, say I can/will do this. Good days just feel lighter. Easier to live. Easier to breath. Easier to smile.... easier to do everything. It doesn't mean I don't think of her any less. I still think of her all day long, but the thoughts are better. Good days are always very welcomed. It's such a roller coaster. I'll have a good day, then I am back down into a bad day. But, that's okay. It's how this all works. I'll never get over her or move on, so good days/bad days will be a part of the rest of my life. It's amazing how it can still feel so raw at times. Like I am back to the day she died. There are days I wonder if I'm making any steps at all or if I'm still stuck. Stuck where I was over three months ago (already?). But, then I have days that are good. Or days I can pick up a book I stopped reading just weeks after she died. I read the book all the way up until the lady's baby died (baby was found to be incompatible with life while she was pregnant) and couldn't bring myself to read about the funeral or how she survived. All I could relate to was that her baby died at the time and I didn't care about after that at the time. I picked up the book yesterday and have really been liking it. I want to get my hands on everything on how people survived after loss. When months ago, all I did was google stories about other mom's who lost babies. Or only read the baby's story about how/why they died. Now, I'd much rather read life after the baby. How they are living. How they are grieving and what is working for them. I'd say that has to be growth. I've gotta be headed in some good direction however slow it may be.

Cash has been so sweet lately. He's really been talking a lot about Jovi. Asking a lot of questions or simply just saying memories about her. I love it. I love that he brings her up. Today we were playing at a friends house. They have a little baby. I saw Cash looking longingly at the baby boy. Then, he said to the big brother, "My baby is in Heaven.". It was so matter of fact. It had a hint of sadness, but it was so sweet. So innocent. And he brought up and acknowledged he had a sister all on his own. When I first heard it, it made me tear up and want to sob. Heartbroken that he doesn't get to experience Jovi's life and friendship; that he has to have a sister in Heaven. But, later it made me even smile a little bit. He brought her up. He remembered his baby all on his own. I love that.

Jovi girl- we had dinner at Nana and Papa's today. After cleaning up, I was sitting on the couch just thinking how you should/would be sitting and playing with toys. My mind can't even comprehend what you would be like at seven months. I can't wait to see. I'll say it until I'm blue in the face that I can't wait to see you. It still feels so strange living without you. I (we all) miss you more than words can say. You will forever be our baby. You'll forever be the girl who left such a major impact on our hearts and lives. I cherish EVERY single moment I spent with you. Thank you for waking me up at night. I love those extra minutes (sometimes hours) we shared.... I'll forever be grateful. I love you to Heaven and back.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; ;and when you pass through the rivers, they will sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." Isaiah 43:2-3

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