Monday, October 15, 2012

Life As I Know It

Life has been hard lately. The SIDS run last week then a balloon release for Infant/Pregnancy Loss this week. Too many hard events together. I'm so sad I even have to go at all. I didn't really want to go to either event. No one should have to go to an event to honor their baby in Heaven. Ugh. Well, I survived them both, so that's good I guess. Yesterday, I didn't even want to go to the balloon release really. I will always go to honor Jovi, but so wish I just didn't have to go. I'd just much rather her here. But, that isn't an option. Jovi's in Heaven and I was forced to be a bereaved mom. Yuck. I hate it.

I cleaned her carseat out today to give to another mom. It was heartbreaking. It smelled like her and still some of her sweet hair on it. It's done though. I never have to clean it again. All of the laundry was done when Jovi died, so I had absolutely nothing that just smelled like her. Her carseat did, though. It was very hard, but her carseat is such a huge memory to me. She sat in it a lot. She threw up in it a lot. I swear I was always cleaning that thing out. It's sad to see it go, but I'll always remember it. I have lots of pictures of her in it. I'm glad that another mommy/baby can get use out of something that means a lot to me.

While looking for the manual to the carseat, I found all of Jovi's cards from her baby shower. It was so sad to read them all. It was so sad that the last time I read them I had no idea that she was going to die. I was so naive. I hate that I know now that babies just die. I am terrified to bring another baby home. I am so sad we have to know that babies just die. All in all, it's just so, so sad.

I do know I have some peace and comfort that some other parents don't have... I believe SO much in God. I know Jovi is in a better place. I know she is with the very best babysitter... ever. I know she will be okay until I can get to her. I've never in my life felt God so much in my life. I've never in my life contemplated life and death. I've never in my life understood so much the sacrifice God made sending His only son to die for me. I've never in my life needed God like I do now. I'm so thankful for all He has done for me. I'm so thankful that He has given eternal life. That I will get to spend eternity with my family celebrating Jesus. It's pretty great, I'd say. I know I get to see Jovi's sweet face again. My faith is easily the only thing that's getting me through each day... I'm just so thankful.

"Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered- how fleeting my life is. You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath... and so, Lord, where do I put my hope?  My only hope is in you." Psalm 39: 4-5, 7


  1. You are so strong. You have grown so much since we met when we were 16, or when we got married when we were 21. I am so proud of you sweet heart. You give me strength each day to move on. You give me the desire each day to work as hard as I can at work. You show me how to have patience with complete strangers and with our wonderful son. You show me at the right moment where I need to change to serve you and Cash better. I am so thankful for not only your strength but for your unfailing motherly qualities. I can't imagine my children getting taught, loved, disciplined, cuddled by anyone other then you. From just looking at you anyone can see you delight in the opportunity that you have been given to be a mother.

    I commend you for writing these posts out. I can't read them every time you write one because it hurts so bad to see you so hurt. I can't read them every time because my eyes fill up with tears remembering my daughter that I can't hold any more. I can't read them every time you write them because it feels like I'm reliving that day all over again. I love reading them though when I do because, even though we talk about it often I am able to see a little deeper into your heart. I feel so uplifted as I am reading them, even though it takes me a few minutes to get through each sentence. You have an ability to type your thoughts out in a way that flows and is easy to read, unlike this comment I'm sure. You write so effortlessly. I haven't really ever read anything that you have written except a few essays that you wrote in school the night before it was due. I haven't read anything you have put a lot of time into before. I am impressed. I have never told you this but I think you should think about writing a book. Seriously wait a second before brushing this off, because I know how you take compliments. Whether its about Jovi, or mothering, or grieving, or healing, or what ever. Whether it's, now of in the future many moons from now, I think you should. Think about it.

  2. As I was reading this post I remembered the few days that Jovi had a hard time sleeping and you had to do something the next morning, or you were just so tired and warn down from your day. I remember taking her and getting a blanket and pillow and going out to the couch and turning on the TV at 2am and just sitting with her. She was so awake every time. She wouldn't cry or fuss. We would just stare at each other. She would smile at me and I would smile back. She just loved being with us. She didn't care if it was 2am she was up and wanted to be with us. A few times you came out around 5am to take over for me and I would wander back to the bedroom after giving her to you from sheer exhaustion. Though those times were so precious and I never was mad at her or frustrated. I remember the next morning we would just chuckle and laugh at how silly she was at just wanting to be with one of us in the middle of the night.

    I don't tell you this enough. In fact I think I have only told you this once and I think it was when Jovi was still alive here. I absolutely love the photos you took of Jovi when she was laying on the pink blanket. You did an amazing job. I wish I could have been there when you guys were taking the pictures be cause thinking about it now I know God was there helping you and lighting her up. I am so thankful that you took these. They are the best photos that we have of her or Cash. They are amazing. I can't say that enough. Every time I walk out of the guest bathroom and see them I always have a little conversation with my self in my head within about a half of a millisecond about how I love them and can't believe you got that good of shots. They look better then professional. Thank you.

    I love you my dear. I can't wait to continue our journey of life and doing what we can to further God's Kingdom. I can't wait to grow old with you. I can't wait to deal with our teenage children together. I can't wait to go to the east coast with you. I can't wait to swim with dolphins with you. I can't to see how far my love for you can grow. Every time I think I can't love you any more because I have reached the top, I wake up another day and realize that I love you more then I did the last day. You astound me love.

    -Your faithful husband

    PS It would only let me publish 4,096 characters so this is in two comments.