Life has been hard lately. The SIDS run last week then a balloon release for Infant/Pregnancy Loss this week. Too many hard events together. I'm so sad I even have to go at all. I didn't really want to go to either event. No one should have to go to an event to honor their baby in Heaven. Ugh. Well, I survived them both, so that's good I guess. Yesterday, I didn't even want to go to the balloon release really. I will always go to honor Jovi, but so wish I just didn't have to go. I'd just much rather her here. But, that isn't an option. Jovi's in Heaven and I was forced to be a bereaved mom. Yuck. I hate it.
I cleaned her carseat out today to give to another mom. It was heartbreaking. It smelled like her and still some of her sweet hair on it. It's done though. I never have to clean it again. All of the laundry was done when Jovi died, so I had absolutely nothing that just smelled like her. Her carseat did, though. It was very hard, but her carseat is such a huge memory to me. She sat in it a lot. She threw up in it a lot. I swear I was always cleaning that thing out. It's sad to see it go, but I'll always remember it. I have lots of pictures of her in it. I'm glad that another mommy/baby can get use out of something that means a lot to me.
While looking for the manual to the carseat, I found all of Jovi's cards from her baby shower. It was so sad to read them all. It was so sad that the last time I read them I had no idea that she was going to die. I was so naive. I hate that I know now that babies just die. I am terrified to bring another baby home. I am so sad we have to know that babies just die. All in all, it's just so, so sad.
I do know I have some peace and comfort that some other parents don't have... I believe SO much in God. I know Jovi is in a better place. I know she is with the very best babysitter... ever. I know she will be okay until I can get to her. I've never in my life felt God so much in my life. I've never in my life contemplated life and death. I've never in my life understood so much the sacrifice God made sending His only son to die for me. I've never in my life needed God like I do now. I'm so thankful for all He has done for me. I'm so thankful that He has given eternal life. That I will get to spend eternity with my family celebrating Jesus. It's pretty great, I'd say. I know I get to see Jovi's sweet face again. My faith is easily the only thing that's getting me through each day... I'm just so thankful.