This quote says just how I feel about Lila. She doesn't change what happened with Jovi, but what a ray of light she has and will bring us. People often ask how I'm doing. As Lila's due date approaches, I have days of sheer terror and days of good. I have nights filled with no sleep and nights filled with sleep. It's all new and feels like uncharted territory. I'm very blessed to have friends who have lost babies and are now pregnant. Two of which are due within a month of Lila's due date. Having them makes me feel slightly less crazy... we don't have anyone who has gone before us though. There are no books that tell you how to parent after your baby just suddenly died for no reason that could be found on an autopsy. Somedays are all around difficult and I feel entirely insane. Recently, I've started waking up just assuming Lila has died. Not fearing even. It's weird. Then, she kicks and my heart is so happy she hasn't died. I think it has to do with the fact Jovi died while I was napping.... While I was sleeping my baby just died. So, I guess it's only natural I would think it would just happen again.
No one gets it, either. No one gets how neurotic I will be. Or my irrational reasonings for wanting this or that... I'm so happy that more people don't have to get it. They haven't had to live through what we have. But, sometimes I wish people would just try to understand a little bit more... Things with Lila will be very different than with the other two kids. I don't think of bringing her home much... I don't think of being her mommy much. I'm trying to get through being pregnant with her first (as I now know so much more about loss during pregnancy) and then I will deal with having a baby again. I do know she will never sleep in a room without eyes on her for months. I don't foresee myself putting her into a bed and shutting the door for a very long time. I will probably not sleep for a while... I'd imagine sleep will be difficult. I know at some point in time, I will be so tired, I just have to sleep. But, in the beginning I think sleeping will be so hard. I will do anything that is recommended or advised by our pediatrician or by the Safe Sleep campaign or anything that appeases my own mind, to keep her alive. No matter how irrational it may sound... Once you go through one child dying, you will do anything to keep the next alive. Anything. This is the big one no one seems to get. I've talked to numerous people about this tip or that tip and people will laugh and say that's crazy... or she'll be just fine... or babies are so resilient. But, what they don't remember and have never experienced is that for me, babies are not those things. Babies are not always just fine. Babies aren't always resilient. What I, often, want to say is I put Jovi down for a nap and 90 minutes later, she was dead. So, yes, crazy it may be to you, but I will do it. Because to me, anything is worth a healthy, living baby. Who continues to live, breathe, and be part of our family. A sibling for Cash... so Cash doesn't have to do this again. A daughter for us to experience first steps, first teeth, first day of school, crawling..... I want those things so very much, so I'll do my very best to be able to ensure those memories for my little family.
I stress, often, about Lila's delivery day. I, thankfully, have staffed my entire hospital room pretty much. I have friends coming to be our nurses and our pediatrician is coming... even though I know everything will go just fine... it will be so comforting to have a room full of people who get us. A room full of people who know our story. I stress, often, about getting an epidural or not getting an epidural. I didn't get one with Jovi and her delivery and recovery was immensely easier than Cash's delivery (I got one with him). But, I don't want any out of control feelings... I've felt out of control plenty in the last 10 months. I don't want to have to be strong... I've been strong enough the last 10 months. And, I, sometimes, don't want any baby's delivery to be better than Jovi's. Jovi's was so good. And, it's one of the few memories I have with her... that I don't want someone's to surpass it. May sound silly... but it is the truth. I stress about this happening or that happening... but I'm trying so hard to be faithful. And have faith as big as a mustard seed... I can do this. Lila is going to come out pink and crying... Alive.
I've started non-stress tests twice a week. They are so nice to give me a nice peace of mind. They help a lot and just help with reassuring me that she is okay. And healthy. And strong.
Overall, being pregnant again is stressful. It's hard and very emotional. I struggle with feelings of Jovi vs Lila. I struggle with parenting Lila so she doesn't think or dwell on the fact that she is here because her sister died. I struggle with having faith 100% of the time... But, then I do have hope. I do have peace and I do think about the huge blessing Lila has already been to our family. We are all very excited to meet her. Very excited to hold her. I can't even wait to see her face for the first time and snuggle another one of my very own babies. In the midst of this storm, I'm still so very excited and anticipating her arrival very much. In the midst of it all, I'm striving to remember the good. Striving to think about good.... Good thoughts. God didn't give us the power of fear... is on my mind constantly.
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of respect, whatever is just, whatever is our, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if something is excellent or praiseworthy, think about these things. And what you learned and received and heart and saw in me, do these things. And the God of peace will be with you."