I've learned more about God, God's love, faith and trust than ever. I've searched for answers... I've questioned God... I've searched for Him... I've wondered and questioned more than anything before. I feel like I know God more than ever. I feel like I've learned to trust (mostly). I still have my days of sheer panic, but I do know that He's always there. I've found a new look on God... and have found how loving He really can be... I never questioned my faith so much before... And have never felt so loved by God.
I've learned to be a better parent. Sometimes Cash can be incredibly difficult. He's very stubborn. He can get up 7+ times in one night before going to sleep... He can really push his limits. I used to not have a lot of patience. Now, I simply remind myself that I'd do anything to be doing this with Jovi and my attitude with him changes in an instant. I most definitely have more patience. And more love for him. I feel like he's really become my little buddy over the last year. I thoroughly enjoy him. Even when he is being a stinker.
I don't sweat the small stuff. I realize there is so much more to life than the measly small stressors that I used to stress about. Even bigger stressors... Oh the BBQ broke? No big deal... the car is making a weird sound? Whatever... it can all be fixed. No need to stress. After going through possibly the worse thing that can happen to someone, you gain a much larger perspective on life. Cash can't draw a person and the other kids can? Oh well, at least he's alive. I just don't stress over what I used to... I still stress. It's just bigger things. Like will my family be alive tomorrow? Will Lila live? Will Cash wake up from nap? I still am relieved, thankful, grateful when I see his smiling face after he's been sleeping. Even if it is 6:30 am. At least he's awake...
As cliche as it sounds, I've realized life can change in an instant. Life in one second can take a whole new turn... one you never saw coming. So I really try to live like I don't know what's coming and love my family like I don't know what's coming. It really is true. Daniel and I argue much less now. I think we both realize how trivial things can be. When Jovi died, I was going in to wake her up so that we could go to Target and find shoes for Cash for a wedding he was going to be in. And then she was gone. I went from wanting to go to Target to calling 911 in an instant. I went from having a precious, sweet daughter... to suddenly have to deal with the fact I'd never get to see her precious face here again on Earth. In an instant. She was here. And then she wasn't. That makes you realize life can change in one second... One second is all that it takes. I've strived to become a better person. I've strived to be better. Because you just don't know what's going to happen tomorrow.
I could never say I'm thankful for Jovi's death, but I have learned things through it. So very much. How I wish I could have known these things without her having to die... But, through it all I've realized, too, that we are still blessed. My life is can still be good. Jovi's death isn't and won't be the end to our story. It's a tragic, awful, terrible thing that happened to me, but it won't be the end of me. I can't let it take over and define who I am. Instead, I'll try to become better. Strive to live a life that would honor her... that honors my family... that honors God. In the midst of all the clouds and all the sadness, in the midst of the depression and the days filled with tears, I do try to remind myself there is still light in my life. More light than I ever realized I had before...
|Thank you, Jovi Sloan, for teaching your mommy so very much.|
"Tears may flow in the night, but joy comes in the morning."