We decided to go induction route. I swore I'd always never be induced. But, suddenly the "perfect" birth isn't a big deal to me. Pitocin? Who cares... C-Section? No big deal... A live baby? Yes, please. That's all I care about. It's crazy how different my life is and how different my views are... all I care about is a safe, healthy, crying baby. I don't care about how she gets here. We've been doing non-stress tests twice a week and little Lila likes to make her mom worry by having a few heart decelerations for no reason at all. So, we decided with our OB and pediatrician, that another week in there wouldn't do her much good. At this point, may be best just to get her here. It was a decision we prayed about and talked about... and it just felt... right. We just decided Friday to go with Wed, May 29th. That was my original due date with Cash and he was born on a Wednesday. We were first told we wouldn't be able to get on the schedule for Wednesday; Labor and delivery was too full. But, our OB went over and discussed the schedule and our nurse friend happened to be standing there and said she'd come in for us and be our nurse (Thank you, Rufus). It's a long story about our nurse friend's work schedule, but it was meant to be. That night after we made our decision and got on the schedule, I saw two rainbows. TWO. I felt that had to be a sign from God that our little rainbow baby is going to be okay. The first one I saw was a little one... but the second, was huge. A perfect rainbow.
I have a hard time thinking about her delivery. Jovi's birth day was one of the very best days ever. And my best and very favorite memory of her. I'm terrified of thinking at every second of her... and her delivery. And how I felt this with Jovi or that with Jovi. I want Lila's birthday to be a lot about Lila and not filled with thousands of thoughts of her sister. Or not filled with lots of tears because her sister is in Heaven. I'm wanting the big birthday of Lila to be different that Jovi's birthday. I've craved different with the two girls... different room decor... different clothes... different everything. This very much concerns their birthdays. I just don't want Lila's day to be filled with memories of her sweet sister. Of course there will already plenty of emotions knowing her sister can't come see her after she is born... or the fact the last baby I had and held of my own, she died. It's going to be an intense day as it is. I just don't want it any harder than it has to be.
I have the hardest time realizing and accepting that I'm going to have a live baby. I have a hard time realizing she is going to be healthy and strong. I have a hard time realizing I get to have a baby again. I can't say that "she'll be here Wednesday". It just feels so.... weird. I am sure because we had so many plans. So many plans for Jovi's life and they all died on the day she died. I have a hard time making plans or saying "this will happen". Because, sometimes it doesn't. I just have a hard time accepting that it's fact that Lila will be born alive (which seems so weird since Jovi died after she was born). I just have a hard time saying it. Realizing it. I am sure because our lives changed so much. I'm sure it's because we said so many times that this time next year Jovi will be... and then we could no longer say that. It's such a mix of emotions.
While I have a hard time remembering she will be alive, I can't wait to see her. I've thought about this day for months. Who will she look like? Will she look like her sister? Her brother? Will she have her own look? What will I feel like when I see her? I have a good SIDS friend who just had her first baby after the loss of her precious baby. She said her heart is almost full and it made me cry. It made me cry to think that I could feel almost full again. That Lila won't come and fix everything, but she will come and she will help heal me... I can't wait to see her face. I can't wait to snuggle her. I think people are going to have to fight me for her for a long while... because I just want to hold her.
With this pregnancy, I've learned so much about having faith and trusting God... I feel like everyday is a new day of learning to trust even more. He is so good. And has provided so much- from financially to emotional support to just a peaceful feeling when I need it most... I feel so blessed to get another chance to be a mommy of a baby again.
I have no idea what to expect when she's born. I have no idea what to expect when we have to bring her home. I have no idea how I will sleep. I haven't thought about any of this... I have made it to the day she's born and that's it. I can't process anything after it... I think that's okay. Why stress when I don't know how it will go...
I just know I'm full of every emotion today. And I do know I will make it through.
Jovi girl- do know tomorrow your mommy will be thinking of you so much. Know your mommy still thinks of you so much. We went to the park the other day and all I could think of was how you should have been there. How I wish I could see you toddling all over the park and trying to climb all over the equipment. I miss you more than words can say. We had the prettiest sunset the other night... and it looked like Heaven was right there. It felt like I could just drive to you. I had some tears wishing and realizing that it just wasn't that easy. I'd give anything just to see you for a minute... Do you remember your birthday? I still remember the joy I felt when I saw your face for the first time and when I got to snuggle you for the first time. It will forever be one of my very favorite days. What a blessing you are to this family... I love you so much, Jovi, to Heaven and back.
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
2 Timothy 1:7
I remember these feelings all too well. When Collen was born, I was afraid of the same things. I wanted the day to be about Collen, but I realized it would most certainly be about Ayden and Collen. Collen was our first baby since Ayden passed away. We went from a home filled with joy, laughter, and baby coos and giggles to quiet...grief...loss. Then, to introduce a baby back into our lives, it felt like we were living two separate lives, and we were confused as to how we would bring the two together. But it just happened. Ayden was a part of Collen's birthday because we remembered the joy of Ayden's day. However, when I held Collen for the first time, it was just me and Collen. Sure, Ayden was in my mind...I was thinking about how similar they looked...but in that moment, I was filled to the brim with joy that this baby boy - another baby boy - was now a part of my life. I had a hard time trying to grasp how I could possibly love another child like I loved Ayden. People tried to tell me, but you can't grasp those things until you're living them. The moment Collen was born, it made sense. My heart grew exponentially, and all of a sudden, it beat for two little boys instead of one! The fear was still there - would I get to keep this new baby? Would I ever sleep again out of fear that he would slip away, too? But God gave me strength to face those fears. When Charlotte was born, I have to say it was the most magical of all of the births. I don't know if it was because she was our first girl, or if the bond is just different (she and I have been connected from the very start) or if I had a renewed strength in believing she would be okay after watching Collen grow and realizing we were going to be able to keep him. With Charlotte, though, my heart - as your friend put so perfectly - felt almost full. She was our missing piece, and we didn't even know it. She was what my heart needed to *almost* feel that complete joy again. Loss will always be there. Fear will always be there. We will always feel almost full because a piece of us is no longer here. I feel so fortunate to know that a piece of me is sitting in Heaven...waiting for me. It took me a long time to use the word "fortunate" in conjunction with my child not being here, because if I could have him back, I would in a heart beat. But, to know that he is safe, loved, and in the most beautiful, peaceful place imaginable....for that I am grateful. Keep holding on to hope! Lila's day will be Lila's day! You will remember Jovi that day as you recall the joy of her birthday as well and as her baby sister enters this world, Jovi will be there looking on and smiling. :) Praying that all goes well!ReplyDelete
Lindsay, this post meant so much. I was even able to read it before Lila was born. Thank you so much for taking the time to write it. I really appreciate it.Delete
I'm so glad. :) She is beautiful! So happy that all is well! Enjoy those little baby snuggles!Delete