Saturday, January 19, 2013

Then vs. Now

Things have changed so much in six months. I'm not by any means over my baby. I won't every be over my baby. We will never move on. We will never forget her. We will never replace her. She will forever be a part of our family. But, my thoughts have changed since the very beginning or since that first month. I have recently been in contact with a few mommies who are just in the beginning and I remember it so much. I say all the time you couldn't pay me billions of dollars to go back to the beginning.... Here's why-

1.) Nightmare
The entire first month Jovi died, I would wake up and everything would seem okay for a split second. I remember so vividly sun would be shining through the window... then I'd realize I had that terrible pit in the stomach feeling... then I'd remember Jovi's death wasn't a dream. This was real life. It was horrible having to remember every. single. day. I can wake up now and instantly remember this is my life. Jovi's gone.  I also thought if I cried I wanted her back hard enough, she'd come back. I don't cry for her to come back anymore. I cry all the time because I miss her and I crave to see her, but I know she isn't/can't come back. I, also, would think that someone was going to just show up on our porch with our baby and say that they made a mistake. I no longer think that's true. Jovi's in Heaven. She will never be coming back to Earth. 

2.) Why?????
I constantly asked why? Why? Why? I wanted an answer (this I still do). I asked our peditrician probably on repeat why she died. I asked over and over again to Daniel. I asked over and over and over in my head. I researched SIDS. I'm pretty sure I spend countless hours those first few months simply reading and trying to figure out how she was just here then gone... This was all before we got the autopsy back. I hoped the autopsy would have an answer. Free time was consumed by finding an answer. Once the autopsy was in, I was crushed we were left back where we were before. No answers. I still searched. Lately, I've realized I don't ask why as much. Don't get me wrong, I still wonder why but my mind isn't dwelling. I'm starting to accept we will never know. My baby was here then just gone for no reason we will ever know. I can't remember the last time I read a SIDS article. It's not because I don't care, it's just because I was driving myself crazy and realized I have to finally accept there won't be an answer for us.

3.) God
I for the longest time couldn't accept God had anything to do with Jovi's death. She died from an accident... I'm not sure what I thought but I know I just couldn't believe God had anything to do with her. This has, also, changed. He did. He had something to do with her death. I believe my God is all powerful. The master of the universe... If I believe these things, then I finally had to accept He did have something to do with her death. More than I'll probably ever realize here on Earth. I'm not sure if Satan took her or it's because we live in a fallen world or if God did take her because this is part of His plan... I do know He could have saved her. I believe in miracles. I believe God saves. He could have saved her, but He didn't. The story of Jesus has helped comfort me. He didn't save His own son for the better of the world... He will make this for His good. God will work Jovi's death for His story and for GOOD. I no longer think her death was an accident. Nothing is an accident. Our lives are so much more than just us and what's happening to us... There is such a bigger picture... I can't wait to get to Heaven and see it all layed out. I love that our lives mean more than we will ever know.

4.) What if's?
I replayed the day Jovi died over and over again. Daydreaming about the different scenarios. I found her as soon as the alarm went off and saved her. I had it all layed out... She was breathing by the time EMS arrived... Or I didnt' even have to hear the alarm. I just woke her up before she died. Or EMS got her breathing and she was fine when I got to the hospital.I replayed this day over and over again in my mind. Analyzing every different outcome we could have had... I don't so much do that anymore. Of course, I still wish it didn't happen and one of these events did, but I really believe this was just meant to happen. I can only replay that day and it really doesn't get me anywhere. Again, I had to finally accept she was gone and nothing I did or daydreamed or replayed could change the outcome. I can't remember the last time I did change the outcome of that day. The day she died is HUGE in my mind. But, I think I'm finally accepting it for what it is. I can't change it. No matter how hard I try.

5.) Blanket
I slept with Jovi's blanket the entire first month (maybe more). I no longer have to sleep with anything to sleep. I also took sleeping meds that first month. I no longer need anything to sleep to sleep.

6.) Clenched jaw
I used to have my jaw clenched so tight my jaw would hurt by the end of the day... I think it was out of stress? Maybe trying not to just sob all day? Not entirely sure why I did that. I don't do it anymore or near as much.

These are just some of the big ones I remember. Things have gotten easier with some things and others have gotten harder. I, honestly, think I miss her now than I did in the beginning. I'm pretty sure I miss her more everyday I don't see her. I thought I missed her then, but the missing just grows and grows. And while I feel like I've processed some questions or ideas, others have taken their place and I need to work through them. This is a never ending process. I still think some days feel entirely impossible. I'd say time could be measured in days now vs hours like the beginning. I have had more better days than in the beginning. It's just a neverending process, really. But, I'm trying. Trying so hard to push my way through.

Jovi baby- I miss you. I miss you more and more everyday. I think about you all the time. I constantly wonder what you are doing or what you look like. You are always in my thoughts and always on my mind. I think, often, about the day I get to see your face. I can't wait. I really can't wait. What are you doing right now??? I love you so much, baby, to Heaven and back.

"Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, ,but then we will see everyhing with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely just as God now knows me completely." 1 Corinthians 13:12

1 comment:

  1. You are so strong! You give me hope that one day I will be "ok" from all the hardships that we will always endure on this journey. You are right, NOTHING will ever replace our precious girls. We will ALWAYS think about them everyday and they will ALWAYS have SO MUCH love in our hearts! One day we will be with them again!