We made it.
We made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas and rang in the new year without our baby.
We did it.
I'm glad these holidays are just about over. I've been thriving on routine. Thriving on normalcy. Thriving on things being the same. Thriving on quiet time. Thriving on reading my devotional and grief books. The past week and a half, those have been gone. I wasn't sure how'd I'd make it, but I did. And, it wasn't super awful. I am looking forward to getting back into the groove of our normal and getting back into our routine.
Christmas Eve was the hardest day. I think Daniel would say the same. We visited Jovi and that's always hard and emotional. I think visiting her on holidays is even harder than on normal days. It just cements so much more she isn't here. It just cements so much more she should have been here. It made me think about all the things we would have been doing. She'd be wearing a pretty Christmas dress. She'd have opened her Christmas jammies. She would have woken up and played with all her presents from Santa. She would have came to all our family functions. She would have been so very spoiled and so very loved. But, no.... we don't get that. Instead, we got ornaments to honor her for our Christmas tree. We got sad eyes. We had empty arms. We got to send her kisses to Heaven instead of kissing those cheeks. Christmas Eve I just felt like I was missing so very much. We went to Daniel's family for dessert/hang out. I was just feeling so very sad. But, pushed on and made it through. The evening ended witnessing a baby come into the world. My sis-in-law had her baby that night. I got the pleasure of being there. It was so refreshing to be a part of life. To be a part of something good. To witness good. It was very much needed on that sad day. Baby Winston is such a blessing. I seem to find myself finding excuses to just go snuggle him. I think him being a boy makes him much easier to be around for me. Maybe it's because he's still little, but so far it's been so nice to be able to hold a sweet, tiny baby. It makes me realize that our new baby is going to be such a major blessing. I can't wait to hold our living baby.
Christmas was much better. I am thankful we did so much grieving Christmas Eve. I'm thankful Christmas wasn't awful and I can say, it was even enjoyed. Cash was so fun. Every present he was so excited about... even clothes! He made our day. Christmas was just better. I felt lighter. It's amazing how even though she's been gone for longer than she was ever here, I still think of how it'd be if she was still here. Every house we went to, I imagined her crawling about. Trying to get to everyone's Christmas tree. Trying to fit naps into our busy schedule. If we would have been super relaxed and let her eat foods that we never let Cash eat at that age. I just realized recently how not only were we so cheated out of her life, but we are cheated out of so much in our next babies, too. I'll never be able to sleep with my babies. Jovi didn't die co-sleeping, but I won't be able to do it, anyway. I loved sleeping with Jovi. I loved snuggling her those first few weeks of life. I won't ever be able to just lay my baby down anywhere for naps for a long time. I don't think I'll even be able to let this baby sleep in a different room from me for a long time. I won't be able to leave the baby for a long time. We lost so much.... As I'm sitting here writing this though, I realize how much more precious the time we have with our kids is now. How much more we will cherish Cash and our future baby(ies). I never took Jovi for granted. I thanked God for her every single day. I can't imagine how we can cherish time even more, but I know we will...
New Years was uneventful. Just another day filled with thinking what it'd be like if she were here. Yesterday, I was thinking how entirely different our lives are now. I've never been thrown so off track from where I'd thought I'd be. We are so different. Everything is so different. I'm going to try hard this year to find joy. Even though my baby is in Heaven and I have to continue living here. I want to start realizing the joy around me. I know it's there. I've seen glimpses. So, as we continue down our new path and our life that is so different than what I would have picked for myself, I pray we can continue to see the joy God has given us. I've already been reminded we still have hope. With Jesus, we will always have hope. This isn't the end. So, here's to 2013... I pray its a gentler year on us and I pray for joy.
We can do this.
We can survive.
"May the god of hope fill you with all the joy and peace in believing, so that the power of the Holy Spirit may abound you in hope." Romans 15:13