Sunday, January 27, 2013


Since Jovi died, I've never really felt panicked except when thinking about the terrible day she died. That could put me in a panic in an instant or even for a while opening the door to our bedroom... that made me feel panicked. I, often, do well in public settings... putting on a brave face. I rarely feel that out of breath and I can barely breathe feeling... I rarely have just felt panicked. Until this weekend... I had my first panicked... couldn't breathe... would have broken down walls to get out of there feeling...

It was my sister-in-law's baby shower. I love her to death. I was at this baby's delivery. I wouldn't have missed it. Well, I didn't think I would until what happened at the shower. I have two sis in laws. Both have new babies. One's just one month (boy) and the other (girl) is literally the exact age now that Jovi was when she died . The one with the girl warned me she was coming. I'm around the baby enough that she's not awful. But, I've been sort of dreading this age for her... but I prepped myself and just told myself I'd tune her out. So, two babies at the shower for sure. I show up (after my hair straightener breaking and Cash being sick/fanagling a babysitter...) and find there are two other babies there as well. Four babies total. Two are just one month old, the one Jovi's age, and then another who was 8 months... a girl... AND named Jovie. I can't even say how awful it was... I can't even say how I felt... just that I literally at one point in time could have clawed my way out of there. The entire time...two whole hours.... hearing her name... over and over and over again. And it wasn't my Jovi.  No... because my Jovi is dead and hers is alive. It was the biggest slap in the face. She was sitting. Laughing. Playing. Playing with Ari, my niece. My Jovi never got to do that. Crying. Whining. Being called Jovie... being introduced as Jovie. I couldn't even look at her. I couldnt' even talk to her mom, really, at all. Yes, it wasn't my Jovi... but she was still Jovie... she still had the same name... and I never got to see my baby at eight months. Jovi would be ten months... but seriously. What are the odds... a baby girl named Jovie so close to her age. The entire time is was blaring in my head.... her Jovie is alive and mine is not. I couldn't even look at the other babies. I'm pretty sure every single one nursed at some point. I have been around babies a lot since Jovi died. In fact, I work at a Peds office. But, it killed me to see them loving on their babies. Even they were so difficult. Looking at all of them with their babies and wondering how in the hell we are where we are and why we have to do this. I'm not kidding. I spent the entire shower holding back sobs and having it blasted in front of me that my baby is in Heaven. That my baby isn't here. I don't get to talk about how she kept me up or say I need to leave because she needs a nap. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I sobbed the minute I stepped into my car and literally cried the entire rest of the day. I don't even think I've done that in forever. It is so entirely unfair. And being there was such a reminder of what I don't have. Her Jovie was breathing. Her heart was beating. I don't wish any of this on anyone... I really don't. But, I do very much wish it wasn't me. I very much wish my baby was here. I very much I didn't have to take her a Valentine's present to her grave. This weekend has just been a huge reminder of how entirely unfair this all is...  I never got to introduce her at a shower... "This is Jovi"...  I never got to see her play... I never got to hold her while she was sitting... I never got to even see her sit... I never got to see her really interact with other babies... I didn't ever get to hear that big baby laugh or see that big baby toothy grin. Sometimes I'm just so reminded of how we were so robbed out of her life... Sometimes I'm just so reminded of how much we are missing.

Oh Jovi. What I wouldn't do to be with you right now... I missed you an extra, extra amount this weekend. I sent you lots and lots of snuggles and kisses and hope someone gave them to you... I just miss you so very much. Words could never explain what it's like to live without you... I miss your sweet face... I miss your sweet smile... I miss your laugh... I miss your little baby chatter... how I wish I got to see you grow. I love you so very much, to Heaven and back.

"You are so good to me... You heal my broken heart..."
You Are So Good to Me- Third Day


  1. Molly, I'm so so sorry!! My heart breaks just picturing you at that shower hearing another mama get to speak to her Jovie. Lately, I've been feeling like literally everyone around me is able to get pregnant, have healthy babies and raise them like it's the easiest thing in the world. The other day a friend of mine messaged me an ultrasound photo to share that she is pregnant AGAIN. Once AGAIN she got pregnant her first month trying and once AGAIN her baby is healthy and of course is due around the time of Gabriel's 1st birthday. It's not that I don't want her to have healthy babies... I do! But part of me doesn't understand why I couldn't keep mine and others get to keep theirs.

    Some days, it helps me to try to focus on the fact that we are blessed too... our babies aren't with us, but they are gifts nonetheless. Your Jovi is beautiful and perfect... I would've rather known her for a moment than any other Jovi for a lifetime <3

    Love to you Mama <3 <3

  2. I love you, friend. And I miss your precious baby so much, even though I hardly knew her. The memory of her sweet smile still brings me joy. <3 Thinking of you and praying for you lots and lots.

    -Kaleigh B.