Baby girl

Beautiful baby- 

As we approach your birthday, I can't help but think about the excitement I felt this time three years ago. How I remember anticipating Valentine's Day because that meant you were coming soon after. How I would sit in your room and dream of you. How I went to bed every night thinking tonight would be my last night holding you in my belly and the morning would bring you into my arms. I remember feeling you move in my belly (my how you were active). I remember sitting in church one day and thinking how you were going to kick yourself out right in that moment. You were one strong girl. 

I remember the day I was told you would come today. I remember the extreme joy (and nervousness) that I was going to meet my baby girl today. I remember walking the halls for hours and nurses constantly saying "no baby yet?". And I will never forget how you suddenly just decided now was the time and you were born faster than anyone expected. I remember seeing your face for the first time and I will never forget the immense measure of love I felt looking into your eyes for the very first time. It was as if I was meeting someone I'd always known and how suddenly you completed my world. How I never knew that I missed you, but in that moment, I realized you were what was missing. I remember holding you for what felt like hours and cherishing every second of feeling your new skin against mine. 

These moments I have always been afraid of forgetting. But, how can I forget the day I meant the one my soul needed and the one who filled a hole I never even knew was missing. 

As I approach your birthday this year, I will choose to remember these moments. I (will forever and always) wish you were here. And that I was looking into your sweet blue eyes on your birthday and getting to ask you what kind of big 3rd birthday you wanted- I will never forget these precious moments. 3... I can't believe it. 

You are missed immeasurably. You will never be forgotten. Never replaced. My heart aches for you and will always long for you to be back with me. Thank you  for all of our precious little moments. Thank you for all of your serious gazes and for all the times you would just gaze at me. Thank you for changing me. I miss you today more than yesterday. 

Love-

Your mommy

Lila J.

I heard from a friend who knew someone who lost a baby and then had their rainbow. Their rainbow always felt like a replacement. I never, ever want Lila to think that so I was trying to think of all the things I want her to know. 

1.) Jovi was meant to live a short life. While I don't believe she died to punish someone or teach us a lesson, I do believe that somehow her life was known to be short. She was meant to die (that makes me cry to even write). But she was. She wasn't meant for a long life on Earth. So, she never would still be here for the "if Jovi would have lived, I would not be here". Jovi wasn't meant to live. Lila J, you were meant to be here just as much as your sister was. You were meant to be here just as much as your brother. Your life was meant to be. I prayed for you and your life more than I could ever explain. You, my sweet girl, are meant to be here. 

2.) I can't even begin to explain how stressed I was when I was pregnant with you. I can't begin to explain how terrified I was of losing you. I vividly remember the day you were born. I remember holding you. Feeling your warm and breathing body and remember crying. Crying because I got through one stage of keeping you. I know life is never a guarantee but I was so blessed to have you in my arms and I knew it more than many because of losing your sister. All I could do was cry and stare at your precious little face. I couldn't contain my sheer gratitude for the fact I got to keep you even if only a few seconds. I remember that big sigh of relief knowing i had you safe in my arms and you hadn't died yet. I can't even begin to explain what you did for my heart that day. How you made it grow three times. How you filled me with such joy. And how you gave me more hope than I had seen or felt in a long time. How you (yes, you) brought our entire family so much light and how your light shone in what felt like a sea of dark a lot of the time. All of this only in the first few hours of knowing you. You are a big deal. 

3.) Like the day you were born, your light continued to grow as you got older. You helped heal Mommy's heart in more ways than I ever thought possible. I never took time for granted with you. I remember studying every detail of your pudgy hands. I love, love dimples on baby hands. Your big baby thighs. I remember you learning to smile and the first time I heard your giggle. I cherish the memory of you eating food for the first time. I never once complained that you didn't sleep because it meant you were alive. I held you so often. Cleaning the house with you strapped to me... And I'll never forget it. You were my mommy's girl and I can't begin to say how good that felt. I would take notice of your baby smell everyday. Sometimes you smelled like lavender, sometimes ritz crackers, sometimes baby lotion... I couldn't get enough of you. 

4.) You are meant to be in our family and you continue to bring us so much joy. I find myself content with just watching you (and your brother) for hours. I notice so much of the things you do. How you eat... How your run... How you climb stairs or how you suck on your paci. You are so loved and we've never ever felt like you weren't meant for us. You play an extremely important role in our family and life would not ever feel right without you.  

You, my little lady, are loved.

You, my little monkey, are cherished. 

You, my little love, are meant to be. 

Moved.

We moved!

I've been seriously slacking in the blogging world. We put our house on the market back in July. It sold in 5 weeks and we had to be out by the beginning of September. We had originally planned on building, so moved into my parents for a few months waiting for our house to finish. Long story short, builder slacked and we still didn't have permits months later. We ended up putting an offer on an existing house and moved in 4 weeks ago. Phew. That's a lot of what we've been up to the last few months summed up into a short paragraph! *Huge thank you to my parents for letting us invade their quiet (and clean) house. They are lifesavers and we owe them so much thanks!

I know many baby loss mommas asked if I felt sad to "leave" Jovi in the only house she lived and was a part of our family in, and the honest answer- is no. I didn't. That house was filled with wonderful memories. We brought Cash, our first born, home there. We brought Jovi home there. We brought Lila home there. BUT, Jovi died there. And that HUGE disaster day was always there. Lingering... There were times I would open the master bedroom and the thoughts of the day she died would just hit me like a ton of bricks. I could tell you exactly where I gave her CPR and I had to walk by that spot numerous times... day after day after day. While there was so much good, there was also so much bad. The bad always seemed to overtake the good. And I was ready to say goodbye and have a fresh start.

My husband and I have had a rough year. It's something I've thought about blogging about. I go back and forth and may say more but let's just leave it at- we separated for a few months. I always promised I'd be true and honest in this blog, but something about opening up about our relationship this past year seems incredibly hard. Losing a baby is so hard on a marriage. I never thought that we would be troubled by Jovi's loss in our marriage. But, it did. It hit us and hit us hard this year. We went to counseling. We read books and continued to pursue each other and our family. We (obviously) are doing better now as we have made the big leap into purchasing a new home together. We are on the track to being better than ever. But, this was another big thing that I wanted to leave behind. A lot of stress and baggage lived in that house.

Of course, so many emotions came with me but leaving those extra triggers behind has been so relieving. It's like a breath of fresh air. A new start for my sweet little family. I'm so glad that I don't think of the day I opened that door and heard that dreadful alarm every time I go to my bedroom. I don't have to pass the spot where I tried to save my baby's life multiple times a day. I don't have to open my front door and remember passing my baby off to my dad. This is better. This is so much better.

Jovi came with us. I know she's always with me and I know I carry her wherever I go. She didn't just live in that house and we left her behind. We put up her pictures. We have her quilt out. We keep her memory alive in our new house and always in our hearts. She missed so much. I could write an entire blog just about Cash and how he still asks about his sister in Heaven and ponders why she died. Asking things like why did Papa and I have to go to the hospital so fast with Jovi? Just randomly... it's amazing to see what an impact she's left on her brother. Sibling love is strong and I can see it daily in his innocent questions and even sorrow-filled heart as he still can't understand why we can't just bring her back.

Life is different now. I think of her still so much of the day, but a new day doesn't bring me the "I can't breathe my baby died" feeling. I have accepted this life and our life feels normal without her. It doesn't feel right. She's always missed. Something is always missing. But, it does feel like this is my normal now. I see her everywhere. The kids' boots were drying against the wall the other day and I saw the gap where hers should be and it made me cry thinking they should be there. And, also, made me smile knowing she's never forgotten and how my eyes see her and my heart feels her in the smallest of things.

Jovi Sloan- you are such a special girl. You've made me strong and have impacted our entire family in so many ways. Thank you for making me a better person. You continue to light up the world, baby. I love you to Heaven and back.

Hate

I don't get America. 

A black man is killed and riots pursue. People around the country band together to protest and chant #blacklivesmatter. But, when mom is accidentally shot by her two-year-old son, she deserved to die. I don't understand. 

I believe in love. 

I believe in Jesus. 

I believe in His simple, yet profoundly powerful statement about all we need to do is love Him and love each other. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:30-31 NIV). There is nothing greater. Nothing better. Nothing more rewarding. Jesus simply stated the greatest commandments and those were the two of upmost importance. So, where is the the love, America? 

We are all so quick to judge. So quick to hate so quick to respond to violence with violence. 

When you feel your entire race has been wronged? You light fire to buildings. 

When a smoker gets the tragic news of lung cancer, he deserved it. 

When man is killed for taking another life, he got what he deserved.  

All people deserve life. No one deserves to die. We weren't taught that people deserve death and life in hell. We were taught to live a good life. A life filled with loving your neighbor as yourself and not passing judgement. Do I believe in punishment, yes. But, I don't believe that it's our job as these peoples' "neighbors" to cast out our own judgement and our own punishments when most times, we don't even know the entire story. 

I don't understand the quick to judge and quick to think we know what someone else deserves especially when it comes to taking someone's life. It's not our job. 

Jesus loves the policeman, the murderer, the priest, the nurse. He loves the pastor, the baby, the runner and the rapist. Jesus adores the felon, the bereaved, the terrorist, and the firefighter. He loves the mother, the doctor, the pilot, and the abuser. He loves the drug addict, the garbage man, the alcoholic, and the grandparent. Jesus loves all. As should we because #alllivesmatter. 

It's simple. 

Love Jesus. Love each other. 

It's Not God

I posted last month about the over use of phrases about "it's in God's plan" or "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". I've been thinking on this for months. Seeking answers and looking deeply into the God I love and the God who loves me. It boggles my mind that this God I have a relationship with would hurt me or cause me immense suffering, just to learn a lesson. And, then, it dawned on me even more that I don't think God is the cause of suffering. 

It started with God's plan. We aren't puppets. We have free will, but God has a plan for this world. God has a plan for me and my life. I believe God's plan is good and loving and full. God has an ending to this world's story and He is taking us all and using us all as part of His story. I believe that. But, I don't believe that He inflicts pain and suffering on us to better us or better others. To teach us a lesson or to teach someone else a lesson. 

We live in a broken world. Thank you, Adam and Eve, for creating a world with pain and destruction. Suffering not caused by God. God hates destruction. I can only imagine the pain and tears that suffering bring His loving heart. He despises it. So, why, then would He create it? All for a lesson? All because we need to be punished? 

I can't  imagine my loving God inflicting a single mom with Stage 4 cancer. I can't  my loving God giving a baby a tumor in utero. I can't imagine my God damning someone to be raped. I can't imagine Him taking a baby from his mother.  It doesn't make sense. I believe He wept when these things happened. His heart was heavy with sorrow. I can't imagine Him using these things for punishment. 

I think He comes in. And the bad, the destruction, Satan... They all try to deviate from His plan. But, He is bigger than anything. God is bigger than death. He is bigger than destruction. He is bigger than pain. Bigger than suffering. So much bigger than Satan. He comes in and He wraps the victim in love. And because He is bigger, He makes that shitty event for the better for those who love Him. He surrounds us with comfort and love and peace. And He has the sole power to turn that so awful event into something good. Only He can make it better because He is so good. 

I don't believe He took my baby. I believe He wept with me on the day my baby died. I don't believe I was punished. I don't believe Jovi was given a life of just  16 weeks. I believe that His heart was heavy when she passed and He worked His works to create her death for the good. To bring us back to His story. To get us back on track to loving Him and loving one another. 

I don't think suffering is in God's plan for us. He sent His Son to suffer for us. 

My God is bigger than suffering. Bigger than pain. Bigger than destruction. 

My God makes all things good. 

When Your World is Rocked

This post has been weighing on my heart since a local mom was just diagnosed with cancer. My heart hurts for her and is heavy knowing vaguely how it feels. I can't relate on the diagnosis, but I know what it's like and how it feels when your entire world is turned upside down. And suddenly your life is not normal and it's terrifying. I remember all too well how it feels to feel like you are drowning and how your chest feels so heavy you can barely breathe. I remember wanting to so badly to wake up from that nightmare. 

I remember the terrible things people would say to me. Telling me Jovi was too perfect for this earth. Or that God needed another angel. I remember them telling me that everything happens for a reason or that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I remember being told God gives and God takes away. It was all so insensitive. And so rude. And so cold. And I can hear the people telling her these insanely insensitive things and I want to apologize for them. I want to hug her and tell her that God does love her. And that sometimes life is insanely shitty. And that sometimes it isn't God. That I don't think God gave her cancer. I heard on a show recently (Call the Midwife) in response to someone asking where God was in a tragic death and the response was so clear and so loving and so true. It's hit my heart and I can't stop thinking about how it made me feel so incredibly loved and answered my longing question as to where God was when Jovi died. God isn't in the event. God is in the response to the event. He's in the love and care shown after. This rings so true in me. I, often, say that I truly felt God's immense love on the day Jovi died. He was there and He gave me everyone I needed. He didn't take my baby. But, He made it as good as He could. 

I want to tell her how people will ignore her. And avoid her because they don't know what to say. How she will suddenly be ignored and be made to feel like she did something wrong. I remember getting the nerve to finally venture to the grocery store and how people would see me and literally go the other way. So unloving. So hurtful. Again. So cold. I want to remind her that people just don't know what to say. They will try but fail miserably. I tried so hard to have grace but it would get so hard hearing how Jovi's death was like when their dog, Oliver, died. 

But, I want to tell her that with all those who are cold and mean and unloving, they'll be more than she can count who will wrap her in love. Wrap her in prayer. Wrap her in gifts. In help with easing financial stress and to help her with her precious boy and bring her yummy food. The community she lives in is (mostly) incredible and she's going to be blown away and left speechless by the love. And I want to remind her that that is where God is. Because I remember the immense struggle where He was when my baby died. But, He was right there. He was wrapping me in love and I didn't even know. 

Please be praying for a special mommy tonight and her sweet family. For her friends and family. And, also, for wisdom

for all those around her. 

3rd Time Walking

Today we were able to honor and remember Jovi and all other local babies lost to SIDS. 

I can't believe it's the third year now that I've had to go and be a part of this crappy group. I really slacked this year and didn't help at all with the run. I just couldn't and just didn't want to be a part of the group this year. Sometimes it's just way too hard. 

Again- I'm amazed by the attendance and the people who continue to come and honor my baby. The people who come and continue to support my family. 

A huge thank you to my fire family. I know I'm not technically part of it, but you all know who you are and you continue to amaze me with your kindness. You continue to amaze me with your support and that you all remember Jovi. Many of you are on the board of the foundation, volunteer, come to the run every yeasr... You all know who you are and mean more to me than I could ever say. I've gained many real and true friendships from you girls. Thank you. 

Thank you to some of my good friends. Those of you who came from miles away, those of you who came before a wedding, those of you who put in countless hours on the foundation and the run, those of you who continue to come and run every single year. It means so much to me to see your faces. 

Thank you to new friends who shared in their first run and for taking time out of your busy lives for my baby girl. 

I'm continued to be amazed by the impact Jovi has left. She is a remarkable baby. I know she was with us today and smiling at all of you who came just for her. 

Jovi- I'll continue to remember you every single day. I'll continue to be impacted by you every single day. I'll continue to love you every single day. While I like that I have an incredible support system, I wish you were here. I wish I didn't have to have a support system. I wish you were here to snuggle on the couch with, to read stories to, to do your hair, to wrestle you, to tell you "no", to hear your talk, to feed you breakfast, to hear you say mama and I love you...

I love you to Heaven and back. I'll never forget you, little lady. 

Love, Mommy