Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Lila J.

I heard from a friend who knew someone who lost a baby and then had their rainbow. Their rainbow always felt like a replacement. I never, ever want Lila to think that so I was trying to think of all the things I want her to know. 

1.) Jovi was meant to live a short life. While I don't believe she died to punish someone or teach us a lesson, I do believe that somehow her life was known to be short. She was meant to die (that makes me cry to even write). But she was. She wasn't meant for a long life on Earth. So, she never would still be here for the "if Jovi would have lived, I would not be here". Jovi wasn't meant to live. Lila J, you were meant to be here just as much as your sister was. You were meant to be here just as much as your brother. Your life was meant to be. I prayed for you and your life more than I could ever explain. You, my sweet girl, are meant to be here. 

2.) I can't even begin to explain how stressed I was when I was pregnant with you. I can't begin to explain how terrified I was of losing you. I vividly remember the day you were born. I remember holding you. Feeling your warm and breathing body and remember crying. Crying because I got through one stage of keeping you. I know life is never a guarantee but I was so blessed to have you in my arms and I knew it more than many because of losing your sister. All I could do was cry and stare at your precious little face. I couldn't contain my sheer gratitude for the fact I got to keep you even if only a few seconds. I remember that big sigh of relief knowing i had you safe in my arms and you hadn't died yet. I can't even begin to explain what you did for my heart that day. How you made it grow three times. How you filled me with such joy. And how you gave me more hope than I had seen or felt in a long time. How you (yes, you) brought our entire family so much light and how your light shone in what felt like a sea of dark a lot of the time. All of this only in the first few hours of knowing you. You are a big deal. 

3.) Like the day you were born, your light continued to grow as you got older. You helped heal Mommy's heart in more ways than I ever thought possible. I never took time for granted with you. I remember studying every detail of your pudgy hands. I love, love dimples on baby hands. Your big baby thighs. I remember you learning to smile and the first time I heard your giggle. I cherish the memory of you eating food for the first time. I never once complained that you didn't sleep because it meant you were alive. I held you so often. Cleaning the house with you strapped to me... And I'll never forget it. You were my mommy's girl and I can't begin to say how good that felt. I would take notice of your baby smell everyday. Sometimes you smelled like lavender, sometimes ritz crackers, sometimes baby lotion... I couldn't get enough of you. 

4.) You are meant to be in our family and you continue to bring us so much joy. I find myself content with just watching you (and your brother) for hours. I notice so much of the things you do. How you eat... How your run... How you climb stairs or how you suck on your paci. You are so loved and we've never ever felt like you weren't meant for us. You play an extremely important role in our family and life would not ever feel right without you.  

You, my little lady, are loved.

You, my little monkey, are cherished. 

You, my little love, are meant to be. 


  1. LJ is a wonderful being. She is a great little sister, even if she never had the chance to meet her big sissy.

  2. Oh my word. Her smile. Seriously!! She is SO adorable!!
    My mom's best friend was the "rainbow baby" in her family, too - and she told me just not to expect Noelle to be the end-all, be-all. I'm not sure how you do that, but I'll sure try. I mean, I know she is going to eventually make mistakes. I know she won't be perfect. I also know God sent her to our family when He did for a reason & she truly has filled us with light & hope in a dark time. I remember writing in her journal when I was pregnant with her, apologizing for coming into our family at this time - when we are so broken. But again, I believe it was all supposed to be this way. Bless our sweet rainbow babies. They are SO so so loved.

    1. I think that's exactly it. They are SO loved. I think all the time of just the amount of light this little girl has brought our family. I never thought I could love her like I do :) and of course, her brother. These little souls have surely saved my life.