8 Months

There are times this all feels surreal. My daughter can't be in Heaven... this didn't happen to me. But, then I remember. It did. In one minute my entire life changed. In one second, my whole world took an entirely different turn. One I never really saw coming. I hate reliving July 10th. I, sometimes, wish it wasn't me. Wasn't me who was here and found her. Wasn't me forced to remember that day the rest of my life. Yes, my husband has to remember. Yes, it was awful for him. But, this house can sometimes just remind me so much of that day. I can open the door to our bedroom and feel hit in the face with the realness of that day... reliving it... hearing that alarm... Calling 911 and how dispatch spoke to me. I can remember the exact spot I gave her CPR. I can remember the exact spot I just sat on the floor until someone told me to put on shoes and get in my dad's car. I can remember it all. Every second. Every sound. Every smell. Everything. I just hate that frantic feeling. Thankfully, with time it doesn't hit near as much as it did. I remember times I'd be driving and the memories of that day would just hit hard and sudden... It'd happen often. It doesn't as much. Still hits as hard. The memory is still very strong. But, at least not as often. Thankfully, other memories are starting to come back... good memories of my precious baby.

I was reading in my devotion today about how many people God saved. I, often, wish I would have tried... At least fully tried to pray for Jesus to bring her back. I didn't.. I knew she was gone at the house. I had some faith in the car ride over, but I knew. I do wish I would have believed then... I do now. I do believe He could have saved her. I know He could. I don't know if it would have helped, but it could have. My beliefs have changed, though. I believe in God more now and the miraculous hand of God more now than I ever have before. I believed in God when Jovi died, absolutely, but it's nothing like my beliefs now. Anyways... my devotions talked about resuscitation vs resurrection. While I wanted more than anything for Jovi to be resuscitated... she was... but in a different way. A way better way, really. She was resurrected. She gets to live life with Jesus. She doesn't have to live here on earth suffering anymore. She gets to live with her King.... and she gets to party and worship Him forever. While I'd have done anything that day (still would do anything) to have her resusciated, she was... just different than what I wanted. But, it's still good. It's still very good for her.

Jovi girl- I miss you so very much. I am thankful you are with the best babysitter ever until I can get to you. I can only imagine what you are doing... I know you are up to way more than my mind can even comprehend. I can't wait to see you. Life is still not the same without you. I wish I was stressing about your party this weekend... I wish I was calling to see who could make your cake or deciding if I'd make it myself. I know whatever we would have done... it would have been amazing... because you would have been there. I miss you more than words can say. I love you, sunshine, to Heaven and back.

"And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."
John 14:3

The Perfect Gift.

My grandpa's service was Thursday. It wasn't too bad, actually. Until the end when he did the ship analogy which the pastor did at Jovi's service, too. I don't think any of us had dry eyes realizing Jovi was there... She was there as he walked into Heaven and she welcomed him! It brought it all home. It's been quite interesting that the last two weeks my devotionals have been all about Heaven. I loved it... I know Heaven is beautiful and so amazing. Way better than our minds can even comprehend... And Jovi is there. Experiencing Jesus first hand... It's incredible, really. Sometimes, I remind myself thinking she really is lucky. Lucky to be there. It's just so much harder to realize that when she didn't live a long life here on earth. It's just so hard to realize when she wasn't suffering. She was just here... alive. Smiling. Happy. Then, just gone. In an instant. But, she is blessed, really. She doesn't have to experience suffering or heartache or devestating news or tragic circumstances. Sometimes remembering her life is better there than it ever would have been here, does make it a little bit easier. Even though sometimes remembering that is quite hard seeing as I think she had a pretty good life with us while she was here.

Gpa's funeral brought lots of family from out of town. One of which my Aunt Becky. She's been working on the "Jovi Quilt". And the quilt has finally arrived. It's beautiful... in fact, words can't even describe how amazing it is. It's made of all her clothes, blankets, toys, etc. A sweet pair of shoes are sewed onto it... it was little pockets of her jeans... and in the pockets she sewed little like stuffed animals out of her clothes. It's priceless. I LOVE seeing it in our house. All of her stuff out on display. I, especially, love snuggling up with it and remembering every little outfit. She did such an amazing job. Even a little rattle from her little snuggle bear is sewn into the quilt. It's better than anything I could have imagined and means more to me than I could ever say. I find myself just staring... and touching it. It's another piece of her we get to enjoy here and another piece that shows she lived.

Jovi girl- I miss you more than I could say. I wish I was stressing over cake pops and tutu's for your upcoming birthday party. I wish you were here to meet all the family members (especially those who never got to snuggle you). I just miss you. Life will never be complete until we are all together again. What are you doing right now? How I'd love to just get a glimpse of you these days... I know you'd be a big girl and so cute. I love you, sunshine. to Heaven and back.



The Jovi quilt- a picture doesn't do it justice

Ship analogy that showed up in my book after the pastor said it at Jovi's funeral.

"Then I saw "a new heaven and a new earth," fo rthe first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, preapared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice fromt he throne saying, "Look! God's dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself wil be with them and be their God. 'He will whipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:1-4



Tonight.

It's night like tonight that  I just miss you. I wish I could talk about you and how you had a runny nose or talk about how you were just doing this or have your daddy call and say you were being difficult while I was out with friends. I wish I could come home after a mom's night out and kiss your sweet face while you are sleeping in your crib... Ugh. I miss you so much. I'll always miss you. I do know we have another sweet girl coming and I will get some of the things back that I've lost or missed out on with you, but she will never replace you. I'll forever miss you and forever miss your face and forever wish you were here. That I could come home and kiss three kids goodnight instead of two... But that's not the case for me... I will just continue sending a million kisses and snuggles to Heaven and praying its someone's job up there to give them to you. There's just so many nights I wonder why us?

Your great-grandpa recently passed away. I can only imagine how excited you were to see a familiar face walk into Heaven. Were you one of the first to greet him? What have you guys been doing? There's something amazing about the fact that he was just here... I just told him I love him and touched him on Monday and by Wednesday, he was in Heaven. I was just with him and now he is with you. I hope he gave you a big hug from me and you were able to feel just a little bit of your mommy... that he took just a little bit of me to Heaven and you could feel me just a little bit. Having another family member die was hard. Is hard... I feel so much for my gma... for my uncle (he is my step-grandpa, but has always been my grandpa since before I was born). I know what they are going to go through... I know the nightmare that death brings. I know. So, I cried so much knowing that they have to do this, too. Then, I found myself crying because he got to go to Heaven. This statement makes many people cringe, and I rarely do say it because many think it's so morbid, but I think of Heaven, often, and I can't wait to get there. Are you kidding?! A life with Jesus?! A life free from the suffering on Earth?! Seeing and being with Jovi and the rest of my family... FOREVER!? Who wouldn't want to go? I felt jealous because he got to see her first... before me. And I cried for that, too. Please no one worry. I have a great life here. I have an amazing husband, a precious boy, and a sweet little baby girl who need me (and many more family and friends). I am not going anywhere or will not do anything, but I'd be lying if I didn't think about going to Heaven and think about the day I get to get there. The minute Jovi went to Heaven- a big part of me went, too. So, I'm just living here with part of me somewhere else... but someday I'll get to be whole again. And I can't wait for that. But, Jovi, I know you greeted Great-Gpa John with the sweetest hug and grin. I know he had to be happy to see you, too. Maybe he's showing you the campfire shuffle and teaching you how to whistle like the birds. It's just comforting to know that someone... someone you know and met on this earth is with you, now. I'm wondering how the service will be... same place and pastor as yours... I guess we will cross that bridge when we get to it. I know I can do it and I'll be fine. I've gone to church there numerous times since you died and heard the pastor speak numerous times, so I'd imagine it can't be too terrible.

I miss you more than words could ever describe. I wish tonight I could just walk into your room, pick you up and rock you while you were sleeping. I love you, sunshine, to Heaven and back.

"There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…
I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you"
I'll Carry You- Selah

Happy Birthday!

Jovi! Happy birthday (a little late on your blog)! Of course, we sent you birthday wishes on the real day. I still can't believe you would be 11 months... and that your first birthday is just around the corner. I got the March Parent's magazine in the mail the other day... it had an entire section about planning your baby's first birthday. Needless to say, that was heartbreaking. How I wish you were here... how I wish I was busily planning your big ole' girly first birthday bash... I wish you could have eaten cake. Would you have loved it?! I hate that I can't think of what you'd look like... that to me you'll forever be a 16 week old baby. My 16 weeker... but you'll never surpass that age in looks in my eyes. What have you been up to in Heaven lately? I'm sure you are having lots of fun. We sent balloons up to you and your angel friend, Owen, the other day. Did you get them?

I miss you so very much and of course, can't wait for the day I get to come and see that pretty face and sweet lil smile. You are missed more than I could ever say... I love you to Heaven and back.

"I will exalt you, O Lord, for you lifted me out of the depths."
Psalm 30:1



Ignorance is Bliss.

When it comes to being forced to go through the loss of a baby, it is for sure. Not only do you lose your baby and the entire emotions and issues that come from losing your own baby, but suddenly you are launched into this world of "baby loss". It's real. Babies die every day. Every. Single. Day. You suddenly are forced to read real stories and connect with real people who have been through what you have or very similar. I find comfort in others feeling like me... but it's all so very sad... and so very stressful. You suddenly are forced to realize babies don't make it to term. Babies die in utero. Babies die when they are being born... Babies die after they are born... Kids just die. You are forced to read about cardiomyopathy, meningitits, cord strangulation, genetic disorders... Everything is suddenly real. Very real. I have found that being pregnant I've had to take a step back from the baby loss world. Not reading a lot of baby loss sites I used to or even being part of groups on Facebook. Those sites make me doubt. And doubting makes me worry. Worrying makes me not have faith. I'm choosing to have faith with this pregnancy... I'm choosing to have faith in Cash's life... I'm just choosing to have faith in God. That He does do what is best for me... There is a much bigger plan to my life. And that plan is GOOD. I believe that with all my heart. So I've said goodbye to being part of many of the groups I was part of... because it's just causing way too much stress. I was, recently, asked how we were able to even consider another baby and how I wasn't terrified. My only answer is that I have faith. I have faith in God and really (we've learned) that's all we have in this life that is guaranteed. We have a God who loves us. We have a God who cares for us. We have a God who is GOOD. I've only gotten to where I am today because of faith. I've said it before, but I just had to say it again.

Jovi girl- You are missed sooo very much. I remember so much about you. Your life is constantly on my mind and constantly talked about... you brought every single person around you joy while you were here. You still bring me joy even though you are in Heaven. I miss you more everyday... I love you to Heaven and back!

"I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever. I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good. " Psalm 52:8-9

Seven Months

How have I not seen those pretty blue eyes in seven whole months???

Six months was a doozy. It proved to be one of the harder months. One of the harder months to live without my baby. I find myself feeling so sad that I can't for the life of me even think of what she'd look like now or that I have to live seven months without her and didn't even get to live seven months with her. It's all so unfair. This last month I've been pushed pretty hard. I've survived yet another baby shower. One filled with babies and a baby with the name Jovi. I came out and survived. It was hard... but I did it. We (well, Daniel) painted over Jovi's room. Yet, another hard thing. But, I survived this, too. Jovi's room had everything taken down long before we painted. But, painting over her room... changing it so it was no longer hers... hit me harder than I thought. It's getting so much better now, though. To see the colors on the wall... to see it almost done... to prepare for Jovi's sister. It's looking so much better. 

I think, all in all, six months just seems like an eternity to live without your baby which is why I was hit hard. Seven months was still difficult. The tenth is still hard... a day filled with tension and sadness behind everything we do (much of our life these days, just even more...). We visited Jovi at her grave. Cleaned it up from all the Christmas stuff. We put out her Valentine decor. Two little hearts on sticks and a pink bear that Cash picked out for her. We are trying to make it better for him there... we need to start taking a balloon. He loves to give balloons to Jovi. He hates the cemetery... because we always cry. This time he asked Daniel why he was crying... Daniel explained... then Cash said, "Maybe you could try to stop crying on the way home...". I don't want her grave to be scary for him or to be somewhere he doesn't want to go ever... We've gotta work on something. I think the balloon will be helpful... 

Jovi baby- you are missed so very much. I wonder all the time about the baby you would be... Life is still so very sad without you, but we are trying hard to find the joy. And we've even found some. We find ourselves smiling and laughing. I know you love that... Know you are missed every second of everyday... How's Heaven right now? What are you doing? I love you so much, Jovi Sloan, to Heaven and back. 

"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord's praise, for He has been good to me." 

Psalm 13: 5-6

Better.

Last week was hard. One of the very most hardest weeks in a very long time. The baby shower took me out for a bit. Just seeing what I was missing was so very difficult. It took days to recover.

Then, we started painting Lila's room... painting over Jovi's room. I didn't think this was going to be difficult. I thought that it would be fine... I had already taken everything down... and put away all of Jovi's clothes. Wrong. It was hard. Sad... Sad it's no longer Jovi's room. Very sad it's no longer Jovi's room. We started painting just the day after the shower... I think it was all just tooo mmmuuuccchhhh at one time.

Then, I was a crying mess for days. And stressed out. I was super worried I was going to stress myself into preterm labor.... it was just a lot of days full of stress, crying, and learning to have faith, yet again.

But, I'm happy to say I'm back again. I've climbed out of the pit and am back to my new "normal" self. I am trusting God that everything will work for us... for Cash... for sweet Lila... and that He will keep my Jovi safe until I can get back to her. It's finally better. Lighter. Until the next fall... but getting up is always better than falling down. And, I always appreciate feeling lighter way more than I did before.

We have 17 weeks left until we welcome a new baby girl into our lives and while I know the time will be good for us (so much to prepare for her both mentally and physically around the house), but I'm getting so excited to see her. Who will she look like? Jovi? Cash? A whole new baby? This little Lila has to be the most anticipated baby we've had. Not that we didn't want the other two... there is just something that seems so much more special about her. Even my husband has said he can't wait until she is born... I don't recall the sheer excitement in his voice with the other two. This makes it sound like Jovi and Cash weren't ancipated or we didn't long for their arrival, we did! So much! There is just something special about getting another chance...

Jovi baby- You are still so very missed. It is so sad to see all the babies around your age (whose mommies I was pregnant with) and they are getting ready to celebrate first birthdays... taking first birthday pictures... I still find it incredibly unfair that we have to take you gifts to your grave... that we have to visit you at a grave at all. But, somedays it does feel lighter. Somedays I have so much hope about seeing you... and that you are okay. You miss your mommy and you can't wait for me to get to you, but I know you are okay. And that does help... Other days I'm just dying to get to Heaven. Each day I miss you just the same.... make any sense? I can't wait to see your smiling face! Will you have teeth? Will you be big or small? Will you have black hair or blonde hair?! I think about you every single day... every single hour of every day. I miss you so very much. Can I just say it again- I can't WAIT until I get to see you and hold you and play with you. I love you, sunshine, to Heaven and back.

"He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will enjoy the light."
Job 33:28