Monday, March 11, 2013

8 Months

There are times this all feels surreal. My daughter can't be in Heaven... this didn't happen to me. But, then I remember. It did. In one minute my entire life changed. In one second, my whole world took an entirely different turn. One I never really saw coming. I hate reliving July 10th. I, sometimes, wish it wasn't me. Wasn't me who was here and found her. Wasn't me forced to remember that day the rest of my life. Yes, my husband has to remember. Yes, it was awful for him. But, this house can sometimes just remind me so much of that day. I can open the door to our bedroom and feel hit in the face with the realness of that day... reliving it... hearing that alarm... Calling 911 and how dispatch spoke to me. I can remember the exact spot I gave her CPR. I can remember the exact spot I just sat on the floor until someone told me to put on shoes and get in my dad's car. I can remember it all. Every second. Every sound. Every smell. Everything. I just hate that frantic feeling. Thankfully, with time it doesn't hit near as much as it did. I remember times I'd be driving and the memories of that day would just hit hard and sudden... It'd happen often. It doesn't as much. Still hits as hard. The memory is still very strong. But, at least not as often. Thankfully, other memories are starting to come back... good memories of my precious baby.

I was reading in my devotion today about how many people God saved. I, often, wish I would have tried... At least fully tried to pray for Jesus to bring her back. I didn't.. I knew she was gone at the house. I had some faith in the car ride over, but I knew. I do wish I would have believed then... I do now. I do believe He could have saved her. I know He could. I don't know if it would have helped, but it could have. My beliefs have changed, though. I believe in God more now and the miraculous hand of God more now than I ever have before. I believed in God when Jovi died, absolutely, but it's nothing like my beliefs now. Anyways... my devotions talked about resuscitation vs resurrection. While I wanted more than anything for Jovi to be resuscitated... she was... but in a different way. A way better way, really. She was resurrected. She gets to live life with Jesus. She doesn't have to live here on earth suffering anymore. She gets to live with her King.... and she gets to party and worship Him forever. While I'd have done anything that day (still would do anything) to have her resusciated, she was... just different than what I wanted. But, it's still good. It's still very good for her.

Jovi girl- I miss you so very much. I am thankful you are with the best babysitter ever until I can get to you. I can only imagine what you are doing... I know you are up to way more than my mind can even comprehend. I can't wait to see you. Life is still not the same without you. I wish I was stressing about your party this weekend... I wish I was calling to see who could make your cake or deciding if I'd make it myself. I know whatever we would have done... it would have been amazing... because you would have been there. I miss you more than words can say. I love you, sunshine, to Heaven and back.

"And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."
John 14:3


  1. I'm sorry you have to go any months without seeing your sweet girl.

    It seems like it will be forever, but you will see her before you know it, and the time you are with her will be infinitely longer than the time you were without her.

  2. Oh Molly. I am so sorry you have to have those AWFUL thoughts. It is so horrible to have those. Nothing seems real about losing your baby and then it does just hit you hard and makes you realize it is. I am so sorry that you have to do this. It just pains me to know the hurt that you feel. :(

    You are so right....She is with the best babysitter you could ever ask for. He will take the best care of her until you get to be with her one day. :)

    I wish more than anything that you were stressing this week about her 1st birthday party. I have been hurting for you all week....I can't even imagine what emotions you are feeling this week as you approach Jovi's birthday. Please know I am here for you whenever you need. Much love your way momma! You are SO STRONG!