As usual, the days leading up to her birthday were the most hard. Thursday was the very hardest. I cried pretty much all day. I gave some candles, cookies, and a birthday card to all the local people who were connected to her. I worked on them Thursday, so it just cemented so much of what I was missing. I had to make cookies for my daughter's first birthday... in Heaven. I wasn't making them for her to eat... it was so others could remember her. I wasn't making a cake for her to eat and demolish. It was a super rough day. By far the hardest day of the week.
Friday, we packed to get out of town. We had thought we would do a big party for her birthday, but as it got closer, I couldn't do it. There was no way I could "celebrate" her birthday with a ton of people. I had no idea what to expect from that day and suddenly couldn't imagine doing it with a ton of people. We decided to get out of town and go to an indoor water park for a few nights. It was a good idea. We went and visited Jovi's grave on our way out of town. We decorated it all up for her birthday. Sent her balloons to Heaven and sang her Happy Birthday. It, again, was so sucky. We didn't get to sing her happy birthday here and see that darling smile. Instead, we sang to Heaven and just hoped she could hear our tune. Jovi is buried in the baby section so we took pinwheels for the other babies around her, too. It was a great thing for Cash. Kept him busy and he wasn't constantly asking to leave like usual. I think we will always take him a chore to do... It worked really well. We kissed her goodbye and then headed up to the condos.
Saturday was not as bad as the days before. Saturday was her actual birthday. We spent the majority of the day at the water park. It was nice not to just sit at home and think about everything. The water park was filled with one year old baby girls... I swear. It's often hard not to think about how unfair all of this is... it's all VERY unfair. Thankfully, the babies didn't bother me too much. But, I did look at them, often, and think we SHOULD be able to do that with Jovi. It got harder as the day progressed. Jovi was born at 7:18 in the evening, so times in the evening were hard. It was sad to see the clock and actually know this time last year we were just meeting our little girl. Ugh. There really isn't anything easy about any of this.
Sunday was better, again. It almost felt good to have the day behind us. I was exhausted. I know Daniel and I were both just done and spent the day lying around our house after the drive home. This week has been better. Lighter, again. In some ways, hard. We are now embarking on a whole new set of dates and memories. "This time last year... we did _____________ with Jovi". So, I'm sure a whole new set of issues and emotions will come up. I know tomorrow is the day she first stopped breathing last year. A big day of her life and a big day that I question. We'd love prayers as we head into reliving days we were blessed to spend with her just a year ago.
Jovi Sloan- I miss you more than words can say. It seems surreal, sometimes, that you aren't here. I can't believe we are living life without you. You are such a blessing. The day you were born is one of my very favorite days ever. I loved you from the moment I saw you. I remember snuggling you the night after you were born and not being able to sleep. I was just so excited to have you in my arms. Know not a minute goes by that I don't miss you or I don't think about you. I hope Heaven was extra amazing on your birthday. I just can't wait to see your pretty face. I miss your blue eyes, your sweet smiles, your giggle, and your stories way too much. I love you, sunshine, to Heaven and back.
|"No one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. Despite all their efforts to search it out, no one can discover its meaning. Even if the wise claim they know, they cannot really comprehend it."