Friday, February 22, 2013


It's night like tonight that  I just miss you. I wish I could talk about you and how you had a runny nose or talk about how you were just doing this or have your daddy call and say you were being difficult while I was out with friends. I wish I could come home after a mom's night out and kiss your sweet face while you are sleeping in your crib... Ugh. I miss you so much. I'll always miss you. I do know we have another sweet girl coming and I will get some of the things back that I've lost or missed out on with you, but she will never replace you. I'll forever miss you and forever miss your face and forever wish you were here. That I could come home and kiss three kids goodnight instead of two... But that's not the case for me... I will just continue sending a million kisses and snuggles to Heaven and praying its someone's job up there to give them to you. There's just so many nights I wonder why us?

Your great-grandpa recently passed away. I can only imagine how excited you were to see a familiar face walk into Heaven. Were you one of the first to greet him? What have you guys been doing? There's something amazing about the fact that he was just here... I just told him I love him and touched him on Monday and by Wednesday, he was in Heaven. I was just with him and now he is with you. I hope he gave you a big hug from me and you were able to feel just a little bit of your mommy... that he took just a little bit of me to Heaven and you could feel me just a little bit. Having another family member die was hard. Is hard... I feel so much for my gma... for my uncle (he is my step-grandpa, but has always been my grandpa since before I was born). I know what they are going to go through... I know the nightmare that death brings. I know. So, I cried so much knowing that they have to do this, too. Then, I found myself crying because he got to go to Heaven. This statement makes many people cringe, and I rarely do say it because many think it's so morbid, but I think of Heaven, often, and I can't wait to get there. Are you kidding?! A life with Jesus?! A life free from the suffering on Earth?! Seeing and being with Jovi and the rest of my family... FOREVER!? Who wouldn't want to go? I felt jealous because he got to see her first... before me. And I cried for that, too. Please no one worry. I have a great life here. I have an amazing husband, a precious boy, and a sweet little baby girl who need me (and many more family and friends). I am not going anywhere or will not do anything, but I'd be lying if I didn't think about going to Heaven and think about the day I get to get there. The minute Jovi went to Heaven- a big part of me went, too. So, I'm just living here with part of me somewhere else... but someday I'll get to be whole again. And I can't wait for that. But, Jovi, I know you greeted Great-Gpa John with the sweetest hug and grin. I know he had to be happy to see you, too. Maybe he's showing you the campfire shuffle and teaching you how to whistle like the birds. It's just comforting to know that someone... someone you know and met on this earth is with you, now. I'm wondering how the service will be... same place and pastor as yours... I guess we will cross that bridge when we get to it. I know I can do it and I'll be fine. I've gone to church there numerous times since you died and heard the pastor speak numerous times, so I'd imagine it can't be too terrible.

I miss you more than words could ever describe. I wish tonight I could just walk into your room, pick you up and rock you while you were sleeping. I love you, sunshine, to Heaven and back.

"There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…
I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you"
I'll Carry You- Selah


  1. I love this picture of Jovi -- she is SO adorable. I'm so sorry to hear about your grandpa :(
    But I'm glad that Jovi and him are together. It's nice to know that loved ones are with our children.
    Keeping you in my prayers mama <3

  2. I always hope that it is someone's job in Heaven to snuggle and kiss our little babies for us until we get there with them one day! I know exactly what you mean about wanting to be with your baby in Heaven! A huge part of you is missing....and I truly believe it will only ever be filled when you are reunited with Jovi once again.

    I am so sorry about your grandpa :( So many feelings are brought back up and it hurts. You can do this momma. You are SO strong and I am thinking and praying for you and your family. Jovi will be with you to give you strength too.

    Btw...I love this picture of Jovi! She just looks so sweet!! <3

  3. I wanted to thank you for posting this blog. I recently lost my four month old to meningitis and find that some nights I want to curl in a ball in sob. Tonight was one of those nights. I looked on Pinterest and found your blog. Thank you for putting in words what I can't.

    1. Julie- I'm so sorry about your precious baby. There is nothing easy about this walk we are now forced to walk. I found a lot of comfort from other blogs and knew I had to keep track of our journey. It means so much that it helped you... Feel free to email me anytime if you need to talk-