Six months was a doozy. It proved to be one of the harder months. One of the harder months to live without my baby. I find myself feeling so sad that I can't for the life of me even think of what she'd look like now or that I have to live seven months without her and didn't even get to live seven months with her. It's all so unfair. This last month I've been pushed pretty hard. I've survived yet another baby shower. One filled with babies and a baby with the name Jovi. I came out and survived. It was hard... but I did it. We (well, Daniel) painted over Jovi's room. Yet, another hard thing. But, I survived this, too. Jovi's room had everything taken down long before we painted. But, painting over her room... changing it so it was no longer hers... hit me harder than I thought. It's getting so much better now, though. To see the colors on the wall... to see it almost done... to prepare for Jovi's sister. It's looking so much better.
I think, all in all, six months just seems like an eternity to live without your baby which is why I was hit hard. Seven months was still difficult. The tenth is still hard... a day filled with tension and sadness behind everything we do (much of our life these days, just even more...). We visited Jovi at her grave. Cleaned it up from all the Christmas stuff. We put out her Valentine decor. Two little hearts on sticks and a pink bear that Cash picked out for her. We are trying to make it better for him there... we need to start taking a balloon. He loves to give balloons to Jovi. He hates the cemetery... because we always cry. This time he asked Daniel why he was crying... Daniel explained... then Cash said, "Maybe you could try to stop crying on the way home...". I don't want her grave to be scary for him or to be somewhere he doesn't want to go ever... We've gotta work on something. I think the balloon will be helpful...
Jovi baby- you are missed so very much. I wonder all the time about the baby you would be... Life is still so very sad without you, but we are trying hard to find the joy. And we've even found some. We find ourselves smiling and laughing. I know you love that... Know you are missed every second of everyday... How's Heaven right now? What are you doing? I love you so much, Jovi Sloan, to Heaven and back.
"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord's praise, for He has been good to me."
Psalm 13: 5-6
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