She LIVES!

It's been a rough few weeks.

Lila June has officially made it to 16 weeks and 5 days... while her sister left us at 16 weeks and 4 days. It's so bittersweet. A lot of sweet, but definitely some bitter is in there, too. Now, we start a new journey filled of memories we were never able to make with Jovi, but are so happy to make with Lila.

These last few weeks have been hard. Right up there with the anniversary. I was reliving those last days... only with a baby the same age... So, so, so many flashbacks. So many memories. I was so sad to be realizing that at this age with Jovi I only had 4 more days... 3 more days.... remembering everything we did. It was just a lot of "in your face" memories. It was just all right there. It made me miss Jovi even more. It made me remember her even more. It made me realize how much I don't remember and wish I did... I can't remember her laugh... that's the biggest memory I can't remember and the one that drives me the most crazy. I can't remember and don't have a video to jog my memory.

The last few weeks were, also, hard because it brought July 10th back in full force. I can't even fathom how I lived that day. I did... but I still don't get how. I'd be sitting there snuggling LIla and thinking how the hell could I do CPR on her in few hours... then have to say goodbye forever in just a few more? My mind can't/doesn't comprehend how I even did it. It must be sheer shock... I've done it... lived the day my baby died... and yet my mind is, sometimes, still boggled on how I did it.

And, of course, the last few weeks were hard because I feard for Lila's life. We've had a few bumps in the road with her health (little ones). She had her first cold... scary because many SIDS babies have colds at their time of death. There were SO many emotions and SO many tears. Often, I just held her and told her she couldn't leave. I prayed and asked God countless times to let her stay... to stay and live here for a very long time. I watched her sleep. I picked her up in the middle of the night just to snuggle her and feel her warm, breathing body. And, she's still here. We made it through this hurdle. A weight has lifted...

Jovi Sloan- you have impacted me in more ways than one. In your short life, you've taught me just how important, precious, and short life is... I'll do my very best not to waste of minute of my life without you. You've taught me to live each day to the very fullest and to be so thankful to be here. You've taught me to love to the very fullest and to love the life I live. Thank you for teaching me to love more and to love harder. Thank you for teaching me what's important and what isn't... I wish I didn't have to learn this way, but thank you for teaching your mommy the most important lessons I've ever/could ever learn. Thank you for making me a better mommy. Thank you for being a part of our family. I miss you more as each day passes. I miss your laugh and your chimpanzee hair. I miss your lanky arms and legs. I miss your laugh, your red-painted toes, and your pretty blue eyes. I can't wait to snuggle you again. I love you to Heaven and back.

My very favorite pictures of my Jovi girl

Lila at 16 weeks and 4 days

"Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; GOd is a refuge for us."
Psalm 62:8

In One Year

I'm so different than who I was one year ago... Life is so different. Our family is different. One year ago, we were still floored by our baby's death. I was still drowning in grief daily... all day... Jovi's death has rocked me to my very core. Things have changed, though. Some for the better and others not so much.

Missing- I am quite positive I miss Jovi more than I did one year ago. It seems surreal that she's been gone now for 14 months. Holy cow. I miss her so much more. Because then, I had at least just held her two months ago and now it's been 14 months. 14 big months. And I'm pretty sure I miss her more and more with every passing day... Really. The missing doesn't get any better... and maybe even worse. I just never knew I could miss someone as much as I miss her.

Friends- Someone posted on Facebook how they were sorry for falling away from their friends when their son died... and how they didn't know how to be around friends because they didn't even know who they were. I never realized this, but I can so relate. I still am figuring out who I am in friendships that I had before Jovi died. I'm different now. So different than who I was. Like I said, Jovi's death rocked me to my very core. So, I had an extremely hard time being in "normal" friendships. Because I didn't know how to be normal in them. Because I wasn't normal and my life was far from normal. I clung to some old friends and distanced myself from others. I found new friends, because new friendships were easier. Easier to be me and less stressful. So to all those ladies who I fell away from, I'm sorry. I just didn't know how to do it. I'm so very thankful for everyone who surrounded me... for everyone who didn't leave... and for those who I didn't know and became my friend. 

Family- Our whole family was different. Sad. Tearful. Not smiley. Not happy. Struggling. We clung to Cash. Our life was consumed by our loss. Every conversation was about baby Jovi. Now, we still miss her. So much. But, at least we aren't consumed by it. We talk about Jovi all the time. Her name comes up easily in conversation but it doesn't have to be in every conversation. We talk about her and cry about her. We don't have to cry every time. My husband is so amazing and deals with all my hard days and listens to me talk about Jovi in broken record style. But, we don't seem to have to do that as much. I don't feel loads of guilt for smiling or laughing or for having a good day.

Anger- I used to be so mad about how people who smoked around their babies, slept with them... that their babies lived. I just realized I don't even think that anymore. I just realized this is the way our cookie crumbled. It wasn't because I was a bad mom or we were a bad family. It was just a really shitty deal what happened. "Sometimes life is just a bag of shit," like my friend says. But, I know longer am pissed or constantly comparing how what happened to us wasn't fair. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all. But, it's just what happened. 

Guilt- I know longer (mostly, really) blame myself for Jovi's death or question the day over and over again. Or dream that it turned out differently. Nothing I did could have changed the outcome. Jovi died.... again. A shitty deal. A real shitty deal. The day happened as it was supposed to... I don't know how this changed. I think I just finally had to accept I couldn't change what happened. It just happened and was going to happen no matter what. 

I have a good life. But, I still have a hard time remembering that somedays. I still cry because I miss my baby. I'm not over Jovi. I'll never be Jovi. I'm just trying to make the very best with the cards I was dealt.

Some things to do to help other moms who've recently lost babies-

1.) Surround them with love. Be their friend. Support them. Be there for them. 

2.) Bring up their baby's name. Every parent I've met loves to talk about their baby in Heaven. 

3.) Bring meals, snacks, food... we were surrounded by meals. It was so nice never having to think about dinner when we couldn't even think about anything else. Thank you to everyone who helped keep my toddler fed. And my awesome hubby. And me. The meals were incredible. On top of that, we were given snack stuff for Cash and people even brought him fun toys. We were more than blessed.

4.) Don't forget or think it's ever time to move on. Their baby will forever be missing from their family. Forever. They will never replace their baby. Not with time. Not with a new baby. 

5.) Don't minimize their loss. Don't say "well at least this didn't happen"... or "at least you have another child"... or "this person I know lost 3 kids"... let their loss feel huge. Don't minimize it. Because no matter what, it's big to them. Whether it's a 12 week miscarriage, a stillborn 38 weeker, the 16 week old dying of SIDS, or a 5 year old boy. It's all a shitty deal and is a huge loss to that person. Don't minimize it.

6.) Try to remember those anniversaries. They suck. But, getting a text that someone remembers means so much.

7.) Visit baby's grave if you are close to the family. I can't say how much this means.... I once even received a picture text of Jovi's grave from someone I don't know that well. They thought her grave was decorated cute and stopped to see who the baby was.... the text made my day. Finding surprising things on her headstone is so great. It's never weird. It always makes me feel she is still loved.

8.) Don't make them have to make you feel comfortable. I had to do that so much when Jovi first died. I still find myself in situations where I have to make someone feel comfortable and not awkward. Don't do that... 

9.) Never say they can try again for another baby. They want their baby back. Not a new one.

10.) Just give the family so much grace. Grace to be real. Grace to be who they are going to be... Because they are going to be different. 

*Thank you to everyone who has loved us, fed us, blessed us, hung out with us, befriended us, visited us... thanks for just being there for us! 

13 Weeks

Lila is now 13 weeks (and 2 days... but who is keeping track). I can't imagine losing her in three weeks... How did I not know?! She is such a bright light in my life but can be so hard. Doing so much now her sister did..... Doing so much I remember her sister doing. I just can't imagine losing Lila. I never imagined losing Jovi. She just died. Just like that she was gone... but knowing the possibility is there is so, so very hard.

Jovi- not a day goes by that I don't think of you. Not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here... smooching too much on your baby sister. I was thinking of the first time I get to see you again... Know I think of our reunion often and that I can't wait to see who you are... See your smile... if you've gotten bigger... to hear your laugh... and to just snuggle you. Your mommy can't wait. I love you to Heaven and back.

Sisters at the very same age

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Real Life

Is this real life?

I just came home from a great vacation. It was a girls weekend and it was lovely. Great to see family. Great to show Lila off to family. Great to relax. Great to eat yummy good all day. Soo great to see my friend, Katrina, who lost her baby to SIDS just months before Jovi. Great to meet her new rainbow baby. It was wonderful. Then, I came home.

Coming home is always so hard. Hard because while on vacation it's so easy to just enjoy everything and not dwell on reality and the reality of losing my baby. I find myself not thinking about everything as much when I'm in a new place staying so busy. It was, also, hard to leave a friend who 100% gets my life. I can't say how great it is to be with someone who has been through what I have... Who just gets it. It's so... Freeing. It's just so nice to have someone get it. And then I have to come home. I missed my boys so much... So very much. Was so happy to see them. But, I hate coming home and realizing yet again, the severity of losing my baby. And that I don't get to come home to my entire family. And that I have to deal with losing my baby. I hate this. There is nothing easy about losing my sweet baby. Nothing. I hate just having to ask is this my real life? Yes, Molly, yes it is. This is your real life- forever missing your precious girl.

Jovi- I miss you tonight more than anything. I love you to Heaven and back.

Baby Lila

I haven't written about Lila much. I think mainly because it feels weird... maybe even a little wrong... to write about this new baby on Jovi's blog. And, also, because words just can't even begin to describe the last 10 weeks we've had with her.

When Jovi died, we lost a baby. With her went everything that babies bring... and Lila has brought all of those sweet baby-isms back into our home. Lila has brought us so much joy. It was today that I smelled her and realized just how much I had missed the baby smell... Having her has made me realize how empty my arms felt... and she came and filled them. Having her has made me realize just how much I missed nursing... and snuggles... and picking out girly clothes. Having her had me realize just how empty we felt as a family. Having her has brought so much laughter, light, love, peace, joy, hope... back into our lives. Words can't even describe what she's done for my heart. My SIDS friend said it right when she said she felt almost full. Lila doesn't negate Jovi's life. Lila doesn't take away my love for Jovi. Lila doesn't fill the hole in my heart that was created when Jovi died... but Lila helps. More than I ever thought was possible.

I still wake up most always startled that she has died. Or I guess it'd be correct to say I'm surprised she wakes up. We have an apnea monitor on her now and I can't begin to say how thankful I am for it. We are huge on safe sleep. It's also so sad that I don't and can't cosleep. I let Jovi sleep in our bed until she was 5 weeks and I loved it. I can't do that now with L and it makes me so sad. I still worry about her. I've cried because people have touched her without washing hands... terrified she's going to get sick. I've cried and been ready to go to the ER to admit her for prophylactic antibiotics when I thought I had a staph infection afraid it'd lead to meningitis for her. I'm scared. I'm terrified. Not all the time... but the panic will set in. More and more every day I hope she doesn't die as I love her more and more every day. Every day is getting easier with her. Every day I allow myself to love her even more. And it's scary.

She's brought bittersweet tears as well. She hasn't reached Jovi's age when she died, yet, and I can't imagine how I'll feel then... but already the memories are hard. She doesn't look much like her sister. But, she does do things her sister did. She hates the swing. And her carseat. We ask her, often, if her sister taught her to cry in the swing because "they'll just pick you up". Jovi loved the bath. She'd kick and kick... and flail her arms all around. We always called them her "esercizes" as Cash says... Lila started making the same movements days ago. I just watched her... tearing up remembering saying the same things to Jovi. Tearing up remembering Jovi. Tearing up thinking how I couldn't call Jovi in and say, "You used to do this very same thing!". And tearing up thinking how blessed I am to get another chance. How blessed I feel to get to experience a sweet girl all over again. Again- they aren't the same. But, feeling blessed to be able to experience "esersizes", baby smells, baby smiles, headbands, baby coos, baby feet, baby bellies, baby hands, denim skirts, sleepless nights, crying car rides, little giggles, baby snuggles, eating one handed... all over again. I love it.

Lila and Jovi look pretty different if you ask me. Their personalities are different, too. Jovi was very easy going. Never cared about eating. Barely cried. Nothing really made her mad... She was just so laid back. She was a slender, tiny little thing. Lila is more demanding like her brother was. She's a beefy girl. I love it. And love that she's following more in her brother's footsteps than her sister's. She cries when she wants something... Cries if you hold her the wrong way. But, she is really sweet. And mostly easy going. Just not as much as Jovi was...

Cash is in love with her. Loves her a little too much, sometimes. I am so happy for him. So happy for him to experience a sister again. I love to just watch him snuggle her and talk to her. Always telling her "Your brover is here". He is so happy. He tells me all the time how much he loves her. I think he's happier, too.

Jovi girl, did you teach your sister your tricks? I'd do anything to know if you've met her... I'd do anything even more to have you here. Here to snuggle on her, too. Lila makes me miss you even more. Did you tell Lila to cry in the swing? Did you tell her about the tub? Did you tell her the carseat sucks? I think of you all the time... Never forgetting your precious face. Never forgetting you are part of our family and how you should still be here, too. I miss you more than yesterday. I love you to Heaven and back.

"Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life... and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever..."
Psalm 23:6

Perfect

I hate the statements we now get so often from people in stores...

"Oh wow... a girl and a boy... a perfect family."

Uh... if they only knew... We are far from perfect. I guess it just goes to show we never know what has happened in someone's life... someone may look at us and think we have it all... that we are so "perfect"... but little do they know, our daughter died. I've done this, too. Not in a statement to someone, but will think someone has it all only to learn they have suffered big, too. We are perfect in our own way... but not the way these people are seeing us.

"Oh lucky you. You got your girl."

This one was hard to swallow. I did have my girl. Then lost her. I was very blessed with another baby girl, but that one was hard not to say something. Jovi was my first girl. Jovi was my first daughter. I love Lila so very much; the love is the same for her as it is for Jovi. But, Jovi was my first girl. She should get that status...

I remember thinking that when we found out she was a girl... yay! Now I have a baby girl.

"Is this your first baby?" (In regards to Lila)
"No... third."
"Oh wow! How old are the the others?"
or
"How many kids do you have?"

I, also, hate these loaded questions. I hate it because sometimes I tear up telling complete strangers about Jovi. And, I feel bad for them when they ask an innocent question and get hit with a big answer. I have said three. And I have answered two. There are some I just can't say three... I need to work on that. I feel sick and guilty every time I leave Jovi out. But, somedays are just too hard. Somedays the people I vaguely know but will never see again... those ones are hard. The drug rep I used to see often at work... A random girl I went to school with... I usually always include her... but somedays are so hard already. I will get better. I want to always include her in our family because she is and FOREVER will be a part of us.

My sweet babies

Daunting

We survived.

The 10th is over.

The 16th is over.

It sucked. It was a more-than-normal awful few weeks. What else can you say to describe reliving the last days you had with your baby... and having to relive the day your baby died... and the day you celebrated your baby's life? It was just awful. Reliving the hours and the memories was the hardest. She was alive... She was alive... She was alive... She was dead. UGH!!!

Sometimes the reality of Jovi passing is so daunting. Sometimes the fact that I have to live this the rest of my life is suffocating. Sometimes the sheer fact that my family will never be complete is just so... daunting. It can often send me into a panic realizing that this is forever. That for the rest of my life I have to live with a piece of me in Heaven. It's just so sad.

Not only does it make me panicked thinking that this grieving is FOREVER... if that's not enough... I then realized that I will worry about my kids (and husband) for the rest of my life. I know what it's like to lose a child. It isn't a nightmare. It isn't a fear... it's reality. I know what it's like. So, because I KNOW the sheer awfulness of my baby living in Heaven, I'm now terrified of losing another... The odds of Cash getting in an accident are larger than the odds of my baby dying of essentially nothing. I worry about Lila constantly and sometimes am surprised she is still alive. Often, I wake up and throw my hand on her just to make sure she is still breathing. I no longer enjoy Cash sleeping in... because I fear he's died. The other morning he slept so late, I was so scared to even go check on him... afraid of what I'd find. It breaks my heart we have to live like this. And it's not over. I have YEARS... DECADES... of worrying about my sweet babies. I find myself begging God to please not let me outlive anymore of my babies.

I was never a worrier. Never stressed out. Always was so laid back. Never high strung. A definite type B personality. Now, I am constantly stressed. Constantly worrying. I'm sure I've aged so much over the last 18 months... I'm sure my body just doesn't get what's happening. I, often, feel like I'm in system overload. It's been a month of sheer stress. Well, really, a year of just sheer stress and worry and grieving...

The only thing I can cling to is finding the good left in my life... and that my life will still have good. I have a God who loves me... One who will do ANYTHING for me. He loves me and not only will the next life be more incredible than I can imagine, I know He will still give me good in this life, too. The days are still sunny and filled with light in the midst of the storm of grieving. I still have an incredible family. I have a husband who loves me and our kids so much. I still have babies to snuggle and love. I have a lovely family who keep me laughing and entertained (thanks, Mom). I have friends who always remember my baby in Heaven and who keep me getting out and enjoying life. I do still realize the good... and that helps. It helps so much to have sun in the midst of my cloudy filled days. My life is still good and it still will be good.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28