13 Weeks

Lila is now 13 weeks (and 2 days... but who is keeping track). I can't imagine losing her in three weeks... How did I not know?! She is such a bright light in my life but can be so hard. Doing so much now her sister did..... Doing so much I remember her sister doing. I just can't imagine losing Lila. I never imagined losing Jovi. She just died. Just like that she was gone... but knowing the possibility is there is so, so very hard.

Jovi- not a day goes by that I don't think of you. Not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here... smooching too much on your baby sister. I was thinking of the first time I get to see you again... Know I think of our reunion often and that I can't wait to see who you are... See your smile... if you've gotten bigger... to hear your laugh... and to just snuggle you. Your mommy can't wait. I love you to Heaven and back.

Sisters at the very same age

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Real Life

Is this real life?

I just came home from a great vacation. It was a girls weekend and it was lovely. Great to see family. Great to show Lila off to family. Great to relax. Great to eat yummy good all day. Soo great to see my friend, Katrina, who lost her baby to SIDS just months before Jovi. Great to meet her new rainbow baby. It was wonderful. Then, I came home.

Coming home is always so hard. Hard because while on vacation it's so easy to just enjoy everything and not dwell on reality and the reality of losing my baby. I find myself not thinking about everything as much when I'm in a new place staying so busy. It was, also, hard to leave a friend who 100% gets my life. I can't say how great it is to be with someone who has been through what I have... Who just gets it. It's so... Freeing. It's just so nice to have someone get it. And then I have to come home. I missed my boys so much... So very much. Was so happy to see them. But, I hate coming home and realizing yet again, the severity of losing my baby. And that I don't get to come home to my entire family. And that I have to deal with losing my baby. I hate this. There is nothing easy about losing my sweet baby. Nothing. I hate just having to ask is this my real life? Yes, Molly, yes it is. This is your real life- forever missing your precious girl.

Jovi- I miss you tonight more than anything. I love you to Heaven and back.

Baby Lila

I haven't written about Lila much. I think mainly because it feels weird... maybe even a little wrong... to write about this new baby on Jovi's blog. And, also, because words just can't even begin to describe the last 10 weeks we've had with her.

When Jovi died, we lost a baby. With her went everything that babies bring... and Lila has brought all of those sweet baby-isms back into our home. Lila has brought us so much joy. It was today that I smelled her and realized just how much I had missed the baby smell... Having her has made me realize how empty my arms felt... and she came and filled them. Having her has made me realize just how much I missed nursing... and snuggles... and picking out girly clothes. Having her had me realize just how empty we felt as a family. Having her has brought so much laughter, light, love, peace, joy, hope... back into our lives. Words can't even describe what she's done for my heart. My SIDS friend said it right when she said she felt almost full. Lila doesn't negate Jovi's life. Lila doesn't take away my love for Jovi. Lila doesn't fill the hole in my heart that was created when Jovi died... but Lila helps. More than I ever thought was possible.

I still wake up most always startled that she has died. Or I guess it'd be correct to say I'm surprised she wakes up. We have an apnea monitor on her now and I can't begin to say how thankful I am for it. We are huge on safe sleep. It's also so sad that I don't and can't cosleep. I let Jovi sleep in our bed until she was 5 weeks and I loved it. I can't do that now with L and it makes me so sad. I still worry about her. I've cried because people have touched her without washing hands... terrified she's going to get sick. I've cried and been ready to go to the ER to admit her for prophylactic antibiotics when I thought I had a staph infection afraid it'd lead to meningitis for her. I'm scared. I'm terrified. Not all the time... but the panic will set in. More and more every day I hope she doesn't die as I love her more and more every day. Every day is getting easier with her. Every day I allow myself to love her even more. And it's scary.

She's brought bittersweet tears as well. She hasn't reached Jovi's age when she died, yet, and I can't imagine how I'll feel then... but already the memories are hard. She doesn't look much like her sister. But, she does do things her sister did. She hates the swing. And her carseat. We ask her, often, if her sister taught her to cry in the swing because "they'll just pick you up". Jovi loved the bath. She'd kick and kick... and flail her arms all around. We always called them her "esercizes" as Cash says... Lila started making the same movements days ago. I just watched her... tearing up remembering saying the same things to Jovi. Tearing up remembering Jovi. Tearing up thinking how I couldn't call Jovi in and say, "You used to do this very same thing!". And tearing up thinking how blessed I am to get another chance. How blessed I feel to get to experience a sweet girl all over again. Again- they aren't the same. But, feeling blessed to be able to experience "esersizes", baby smells, baby smiles, headbands, baby coos, baby feet, baby bellies, baby hands, denim skirts, sleepless nights, crying car rides, little giggles, baby snuggles, eating one handed... all over again. I love it.

Lila and Jovi look pretty different if you ask me. Their personalities are different, too. Jovi was very easy going. Never cared about eating. Barely cried. Nothing really made her mad... She was just so laid back. She was a slender, tiny little thing. Lila is more demanding like her brother was. She's a beefy girl. I love it. And love that she's following more in her brother's footsteps than her sister's. She cries when she wants something... Cries if you hold her the wrong way. But, she is really sweet. And mostly easy going. Just not as much as Jovi was...

Cash is in love with her. Loves her a little too much, sometimes. I am so happy for him. So happy for him to experience a sister again. I love to just watch him snuggle her and talk to her. Always telling her "Your brover is here". He is so happy. He tells me all the time how much he loves her. I think he's happier, too.

Jovi girl, did you teach your sister your tricks? I'd do anything to know if you've met her... I'd do anything even more to have you here. Here to snuggle on her, too. Lila makes me miss you even more. Did you tell Lila to cry in the swing? Did you tell her about the tub? Did you tell her the carseat sucks? I think of you all the time... Never forgetting your precious face. Never forgetting you are part of our family and how you should still be here, too. I miss you more than yesterday. I love you to Heaven and back.

"Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life... and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever..."
Psalm 23:6

Perfect

I hate the statements we now get so often from people in stores...

"Oh wow... a girl and a boy... a perfect family."

Uh... if they only knew... We are far from perfect. I guess it just goes to show we never know what has happened in someone's life... someone may look at us and think we have it all... that we are so "perfect"... but little do they know, our daughter died. I've done this, too. Not in a statement to someone, but will think someone has it all only to learn they have suffered big, too. We are perfect in our own way... but not the way these people are seeing us.

"Oh lucky you. You got your girl."

This one was hard to swallow. I did have my girl. Then lost her. I was very blessed with another baby girl, but that one was hard not to say something. Jovi was my first girl. Jovi was my first daughter. I love Lila so very much; the love is the same for her as it is for Jovi. But, Jovi was my first girl. She should get that status...

I remember thinking that when we found out she was a girl... yay! Now I have a baby girl.

"Is this your first baby?" (In regards to Lila)
"No... third."
"Oh wow! How old are the the others?"
or
"How many kids do you have?"

I, also, hate these loaded questions. I hate it because sometimes I tear up telling complete strangers about Jovi. And, I feel bad for them when they ask an innocent question and get hit with a big answer. I have said three. And I have answered two. There are some I just can't say three... I need to work on that. I feel sick and guilty every time I leave Jovi out. But, somedays are just too hard. Somedays the people I vaguely know but will never see again... those ones are hard. The drug rep I used to see often at work... A random girl I went to school with... I usually always include her... but somedays are so hard already. I will get better. I want to always include her in our family because she is and FOREVER will be a part of us.

My sweet babies

Daunting

We survived.

The 10th is over.

The 16th is over.

It sucked. It was a more-than-normal awful few weeks. What else can you say to describe reliving the last days you had with your baby... and having to relive the day your baby died... and the day you celebrated your baby's life? It was just awful. Reliving the hours and the memories was the hardest. She was alive... She was alive... She was alive... She was dead. UGH!!!

Sometimes the reality of Jovi passing is so daunting. Sometimes the fact that I have to live this the rest of my life is suffocating. Sometimes the sheer fact that my family will never be complete is just so... daunting. It can often send me into a panic realizing that this is forever. That for the rest of my life I have to live with a piece of me in Heaven. It's just so sad.

Not only does it make me panicked thinking that this grieving is FOREVER... if that's not enough... I then realized that I will worry about my kids (and husband) for the rest of my life. I know what it's like to lose a child. It isn't a nightmare. It isn't a fear... it's reality. I know what it's like. So, because I KNOW the sheer awfulness of my baby living in Heaven, I'm now terrified of losing another... The odds of Cash getting in an accident are larger than the odds of my baby dying of essentially nothing. I worry about Lila constantly and sometimes am surprised she is still alive. Often, I wake up and throw my hand on her just to make sure she is still breathing. I no longer enjoy Cash sleeping in... because I fear he's died. The other morning he slept so late, I was so scared to even go check on him... afraid of what I'd find. It breaks my heart we have to live like this. And it's not over. I have YEARS... DECADES... of worrying about my sweet babies. I find myself begging God to please not let me outlive anymore of my babies.

I was never a worrier. Never stressed out. Always was so laid back. Never high strung. A definite type B personality. Now, I am constantly stressed. Constantly worrying. I'm sure I've aged so much over the last 18 months... I'm sure my body just doesn't get what's happening. I, often, feel like I'm in system overload. It's been a month of sheer stress. Well, really, a year of just sheer stress and worry and grieving...

The only thing I can cling to is finding the good left in my life... and that my life will still have good. I have a God who loves me... One who will do ANYTHING for me. He loves me and not only will the next life be more incredible than I can imagine, I know He will still give me good in this life, too. The days are still sunny and filled with light in the midst of the storm of grieving. I still have an incredible family. I have a husband who loves me and our kids so much. I still have babies to snuggle and love. I have a lovely family who keep me laughing and entertained (thanks, Mom). I have friends who always remember my baby in Heaven and who keep me getting out and enjoying life. I do still realize the good... and that helps. It helps so much to have sun in the midst of my cloudy filled days. My life is still good and it still will be good.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

UGH

I was wanting to blog every day leading up to July 10th. But, I couldn't do it. All they'd say is I just want my baby back and I miss her more than I can say. Because that's really it... I just wish more than anything Jovi was here. And I just miss her more than I ever thought I could miss someone. Tomorrow I have to relive. Tomorrow I have to redo. Today last year, was my very last day with my baby and I didn't know. I wish I could go back. I wish I could go back and save her. I wish I could go back and sleep next to her so I'd hear that monitor go off... I wish I could go back in time and just tell myself what was going to happen tomorrow. I wouldn't have went to work. I wouldn't have went for a run. I wouldn't have went to the store. I have accepted the fact that Jovi died and there's nothing I can do about it... but I wish I just would have held her all day that day.

July 4th was hard. It was the last major holiday spent with Jovi. We went to the parade and she napped in Nana's arms. We went to a BBQ at Nana and Papa's. Low key. This 4th, she was missed more than ever. Where was my toddling baby at the parade with her cute arm waving? Where was my sweet girl walking around waiting for fireworks to start? She wasn't there. Holidays often remind me so much that she's gone. Just the in my face emptiness... and the in my face huge gap between Cash and Lila. I just missed her.

July 5th- I don't remember what we did. Hate that.

July 6th- Same.

July 7th- We went to a little town nearby and watched the fireworks as a family (hubby worked the 4th). Jovi wore a darling green dress and played with a baby doll for the first time that day. She had on a brown headband. She slept in my arms the entire time the fireworks went off. She was so good. Cash got his face painted like spiderman. It was such a good day.

I love this picture of her... one of my favorites

July 8th- We went to the beach. Our first time at the beach as a family. Daniel's sister came along, too. Jovi napped at the beach under an umbrella. I didn't swim much because she didn't like being alone. It seemed impossible to keep her out of the sun. I put her feet in the water for the first time. She didn't like it. I can't for the life of me remember what she wore.... I couldn't after she died either. I hate that. I did so much laundry this day, too.

July 9th- Daddy went back to work out of town. Kids and I went to the beach with some friends. It wasn't a super nice day. Overcast and not very hot. Cash and Fin (our bonus guy) played in the sand with a new little friend, Molly. We went to my parents for dinner. My little brother held her for the first time since she was a newborn and then freaked out that my mom was going to make her throw up on him. We went to Walmart. My mom held her all through Walmart. A lady there held her, too (a friend of Daniel's). She was wearing a pink little Gymboree romper my sister-in-law got for her and a pink headband.

July 10th- Often, I just want to say F*CK YOU, July 10th (sorry for the language). But I do. This morning I went to work. My mother in law came to watch the kids. I dressed Jovi in a striped cotton sleeveless romper, but it was too tight on her legs. I didn't have time to dress her again so I unsnapped it and left another brown romper for my MIL to dress her in. Why didn't I get her dressed?! I went to work. I got off early so I went to the gym. Then, I even went to the store. Why didn't I just come home.... Jovi was napping when I got home. I ate lunch and woke her up. I nursed her. Played with her. Snuggled her. She got fussy so I laid her back down. Those were my last few hours with her. That was my last day with her. I wanted to go to Target to get shoes for Cash for a wedding he was going to be in that weekend. I went to wake her up and she was dead. I called 911. It's all a blur here but yet I remember every detail. I did CPR while dispatch occasionally had to yell at me to calm down. My dad was at my door. He took Jovi and handed her to the paramedic. And she was gone. My dad was out at his car for awhile. I just sat on the floor and cried. But, no tears even came. I remember feeling like I was going to throw up any minute. I can still remember that panic. A cop came in and said to get my shoes on and get in her car. The direction was nice. By this time, my dad was back and said he would drive me. Cop stayed with Cash until my mom could come get him. I called Daniel in my Dad's car. To this day, I hate that car. It reminds me of the day Jovi died. I swear I see it everywhere and it often follows me home since I live close to the fire station. We pulled into KMC and were taken in some back way. I still hate those doors. I'm glad they took me through the back way now. So I never have to walk through those doors again. No one said a word to me. Just stared. I felt like I was walking so slow. I remember what the lady looked like at the desk. We walked to her room. A firefighter said it wasn't good. I was told the mom can come in... and I stood and rubbed her head and talked to her until I was told she was gone. It wasn't until that moment I really realized our pediatrician was there. I remember exactly what the guy looked like that was bagging her. And then I just sat there and cried. Holding my lifeless baby. So many people came and visited us. Daniel finally arrived. I was "questioned" by a detective. Jovi started showing signs of death which made me feel like throwing up again and made me realize I had to get out of there. Then, we were told to go home. How the hell do you just go home? I remember thinking that was such a hard statement to swallow... Home... Home where it was no longer home. Home where my daughter died and home where my daughter no longer was... How do I just "go home"?

Time that day was insane. It seemed like it was moving so slow. Yet, so fast. How was time even still going? I remember walking out of the ER. The glass doors sliding open while I clutched the last outfit that touched my daughter's skin and the sun was shining... cars were driving. It felt surreal. How was the world still going when mine had just ended? How was the world still moving when mine had stopped. How was time continuing when all I wanted it to do was stop? We went to pick up Cash and his first question was, "Where is baby Jovi?". It was all so... surreal. I wish she was just down the road... somewhere where we could just go pick her up. And then we did. We just went home.

Jovi- I'm so sorry I didn't know. I'm so sorry I didn't know that July 10th was the last day I'd get to see you alive. I'm sorry I went to work and didn't spend every minute with you. I'm sorry you died alone in your bed. I want you to know I miss you more than words could ever say. I want you to know you were and are such a huge blessing to me. You and I had a strong connection from the minute you were born. Things with you were scary, but easy. I enjoyed every moment with you. I loved when you'd wake up in the middle of the night and we'd get time together just us. I held you every chance I got and often took naps with you. I loved carrying you in a wrap or front pack and almost always did. I loved seeing your face for the first time. I loved your sweet smile and your precious voice. I'd do anything to hear your sweet voice again or to hear your sweet giggle. I miss your fabulous chimpanzee hair. You had the best hair... I hope more than anything I get to Heaven and you are small. I hope you still have chimpanzee hair and that I can scoop you up, snuggle you and smell your sweet baby smell. I hope to see you take your first steps. I hope to see you get your first tooth. I hope to hear you say "mama" for the first time. I hope to see everything I've missed out on.... stay little for mommy, okay? I love you more than I could every say, baby. I miss more than I ever thought was possible. I love you to Heaven and back.

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Revelations 21:4

8 Days

July 2, 2012... How did I not know I only had 8 more days with you... I can't remember what we even did on this day last year. I know it had to be good, because you were there. I'm missing you more than ever pretty girl. I love you to Heaven and back.