Perfect

I hate the statements we now get so often from people in stores...

"Oh wow... a girl and a boy... a perfect family."

Uh... if they only knew... We are far from perfect. I guess it just goes to show we never know what has happened in someone's life... someone may look at us and think we have it all... that we are so "perfect"... but little do they know, our daughter died. I've done this, too. Not in a statement to someone, but will think someone has it all only to learn they have suffered big, too. We are perfect in our own way... but not the way these people are seeing us.

"Oh lucky you. You got your girl."

This one was hard to swallow. I did have my girl. Then lost her. I was very blessed with another baby girl, but that one was hard not to say something. Jovi was my first girl. Jovi was my first daughter. I love Lila so very much; the love is the same for her as it is for Jovi. But, Jovi was my first girl. She should get that status...

I remember thinking that when we found out she was a girl... yay! Now I have a baby girl.

"Is this your first baby?" (In regards to Lila)
"No... third."
"Oh wow! How old are the the others?"
or
"How many kids do you have?"

I, also, hate these loaded questions. I hate it because sometimes I tear up telling complete strangers about Jovi. And, I feel bad for them when they ask an innocent question and get hit with a big answer. I have said three. And I have answered two. There are some I just can't say three... I need to work on that. I feel sick and guilty every time I leave Jovi out. But, somedays are just too hard. Somedays the people I vaguely know but will never see again... those ones are hard. The drug rep I used to see often at work... A random girl I went to school with... I usually always include her... but somedays are so hard already. I will get better. I want to always include her in our family because she is and FOREVER will be a part of us.

My sweet babies

Daunting

We survived.

The 10th is over.

The 16th is over.

It sucked. It was a more-than-normal awful few weeks. What else can you say to describe reliving the last days you had with your baby... and having to relive the day your baby died... and the day you celebrated your baby's life? It was just awful. Reliving the hours and the memories was the hardest. She was alive... She was alive... She was alive... She was dead. UGH!!!

Sometimes the reality of Jovi passing is so daunting. Sometimes the fact that I have to live this the rest of my life is suffocating. Sometimes the sheer fact that my family will never be complete is just so... daunting. It can often send me into a panic realizing that this is forever. That for the rest of my life I have to live with a piece of me in Heaven. It's just so sad.

Not only does it make me panicked thinking that this grieving is FOREVER... if that's not enough... I then realized that I will worry about my kids (and husband) for the rest of my life. I know what it's like to lose a child. It isn't a nightmare. It isn't a fear... it's reality. I know what it's like. So, because I KNOW the sheer awfulness of my baby living in Heaven, I'm now terrified of losing another... The odds of Cash getting in an accident are larger than the odds of my baby dying of essentially nothing. I worry about Lila constantly and sometimes am surprised she is still alive. Often, I wake up and throw my hand on her just to make sure she is still breathing. I no longer enjoy Cash sleeping in... because I fear he's died. The other morning he slept so late, I was so scared to even go check on him... afraid of what I'd find. It breaks my heart we have to live like this. And it's not over. I have YEARS... DECADES... of worrying about my sweet babies. I find myself begging God to please not let me outlive anymore of my babies.

I was never a worrier. Never stressed out. Always was so laid back. Never high strung. A definite type B personality. Now, I am constantly stressed. Constantly worrying. I'm sure I've aged so much over the last 18 months... I'm sure my body just doesn't get what's happening. I, often, feel like I'm in system overload. It's been a month of sheer stress. Well, really, a year of just sheer stress and worry and grieving...

The only thing I can cling to is finding the good left in my life... and that my life will still have good. I have a God who loves me... One who will do ANYTHING for me. He loves me and not only will the next life be more incredible than I can imagine, I know He will still give me good in this life, too. The days are still sunny and filled with light in the midst of the storm of grieving. I still have an incredible family. I have a husband who loves me and our kids so much. I still have babies to snuggle and love. I have a lovely family who keep me laughing and entertained (thanks, Mom). I have friends who always remember my baby in Heaven and who keep me getting out and enjoying life. I do still realize the good... and that helps. It helps so much to have sun in the midst of my cloudy filled days. My life is still good and it still will be good.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

UGH

I was wanting to blog every day leading up to July 10th. But, I couldn't do it. All they'd say is I just want my baby back and I miss her more than I can say. Because that's really it... I just wish more than anything Jovi was here. And I just miss her more than I ever thought I could miss someone. Tomorrow I have to relive. Tomorrow I have to redo. Today last year, was my very last day with my baby and I didn't know. I wish I could go back. I wish I could go back and save her. I wish I could go back and sleep next to her so I'd hear that monitor go off... I wish I could go back in time and just tell myself what was going to happen tomorrow. I wouldn't have went to work. I wouldn't have went for a run. I wouldn't have went to the store. I have accepted the fact that Jovi died and there's nothing I can do about it... but I wish I just would have held her all day that day.

July 4th was hard. It was the last major holiday spent with Jovi. We went to the parade and she napped in Nana's arms. We went to a BBQ at Nana and Papa's. Low key. This 4th, she was missed more than ever. Where was my toddling baby at the parade with her cute arm waving? Where was my sweet girl walking around waiting for fireworks to start? She wasn't there. Holidays often remind me so much that she's gone. Just the in my face emptiness... and the in my face huge gap between Cash and Lila. I just missed her.

July 5th- I don't remember what we did. Hate that.

July 6th- Same.

July 7th- We went to a little town nearby and watched the fireworks as a family (hubby worked the 4th). Jovi wore a darling green dress and played with a baby doll for the first time that day. She had on a brown headband. She slept in my arms the entire time the fireworks went off. She was so good. Cash got his face painted like spiderman. It was such a good day.

I love this picture of her... one of my favorites

July 8th- We went to the beach. Our first time at the beach as a family. Daniel's sister came along, too. Jovi napped at the beach under an umbrella. I didn't swim much because she didn't like being alone. It seemed impossible to keep her out of the sun. I put her feet in the water for the first time. She didn't like it. I can't for the life of me remember what she wore.... I couldn't after she died either. I hate that. I did so much laundry this day, too.

July 9th- Daddy went back to work out of town. Kids and I went to the beach with some friends. It wasn't a super nice day. Overcast and not very hot. Cash and Fin (our bonus guy) played in the sand with a new little friend, Molly. We went to my parents for dinner. My little brother held her for the first time since she was a newborn and then freaked out that my mom was going to make her throw up on him. We went to Walmart. My mom held her all through Walmart. A lady there held her, too (a friend of Daniel's). She was wearing a pink little Gymboree romper my sister-in-law got for her and a pink headband.

July 10th- Often, I just want to say F*CK YOU, July 10th (sorry for the language). But I do. This morning I went to work. My mother in law came to watch the kids. I dressed Jovi in a striped cotton sleeveless romper, but it was too tight on her legs. I didn't have time to dress her again so I unsnapped it and left another brown romper for my MIL to dress her in. Why didn't I get her dressed?! I went to work. I got off early so I went to the gym. Then, I even went to the store. Why didn't I just come home.... Jovi was napping when I got home. I ate lunch and woke her up. I nursed her. Played with her. Snuggled her. She got fussy so I laid her back down. Those were my last few hours with her. That was my last day with her. I wanted to go to Target to get shoes for Cash for a wedding he was going to be in that weekend. I went to wake her up and she was dead. I called 911. It's all a blur here but yet I remember every detail. I did CPR while dispatch occasionally had to yell at me to calm down. My dad was at my door. He took Jovi and handed her to the paramedic. And she was gone. My dad was out at his car for awhile. I just sat on the floor and cried. But, no tears even came. I remember feeling like I was going to throw up any minute. I can still remember that panic. A cop came in and said to get my shoes on and get in her car. The direction was nice. By this time, my dad was back and said he would drive me. Cop stayed with Cash until my mom could come get him. I called Daniel in my Dad's car. To this day, I hate that car. It reminds me of the day Jovi died. I swear I see it everywhere and it often follows me home since I live close to the fire station. We pulled into KMC and were taken in some back way. I still hate those doors. I'm glad they took me through the back way now. So I never have to walk through those doors again. No one said a word to me. Just stared. I felt like I was walking so slow. I remember what the lady looked like at the desk. We walked to her room. A firefighter said it wasn't good. I was told the mom can come in... and I stood and rubbed her head and talked to her until I was told she was gone. It wasn't until that moment I really realized our pediatrician was there. I remember exactly what the guy looked like that was bagging her. And then I just sat there and cried. Holding my lifeless baby. So many people came and visited us. Daniel finally arrived. I was "questioned" by a detective. Jovi started showing signs of death which made me feel like throwing up again and made me realize I had to get out of there. Then, we were told to go home. How the hell do you just go home? I remember thinking that was such a hard statement to swallow... Home... Home where it was no longer home. Home where my daughter died and home where my daughter no longer was... How do I just "go home"?

Time that day was insane. It seemed like it was moving so slow. Yet, so fast. How was time even still going? I remember walking out of the ER. The glass doors sliding open while I clutched the last outfit that touched my daughter's skin and the sun was shining... cars were driving. It felt surreal. How was the world still going when mine had just ended? How was the world still moving when mine had stopped. How was time continuing when all I wanted it to do was stop? We went to pick up Cash and his first question was, "Where is baby Jovi?". It was all so... surreal. I wish she was just down the road... somewhere where we could just go pick her up. And then we did. We just went home.

Jovi- I'm so sorry I didn't know. I'm so sorry I didn't know that July 10th was the last day I'd get to see you alive. I'm sorry I went to work and didn't spend every minute with you. I'm sorry you died alone in your bed. I want you to know I miss you more than words could ever say. I want you to know you were and are such a huge blessing to me. You and I had a strong connection from the minute you were born. Things with you were scary, but easy. I enjoyed every moment with you. I loved when you'd wake up in the middle of the night and we'd get time together just us. I held you every chance I got and often took naps with you. I loved carrying you in a wrap or front pack and almost always did. I loved seeing your face for the first time. I loved your sweet smile and your precious voice. I'd do anything to hear your sweet voice again or to hear your sweet giggle. I miss your fabulous chimpanzee hair. You had the best hair... I hope more than anything I get to Heaven and you are small. I hope you still have chimpanzee hair and that I can scoop you up, snuggle you and smell your sweet baby smell. I hope to see you take your first steps. I hope to see you get your first tooth. I hope to hear you say "mama" for the first time. I hope to see everything I've missed out on.... stay little for mommy, okay? I love you more than I could every say, baby. I miss more than I ever thought was possible. I love you to Heaven and back.

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Revelations 21:4

8 Days

July 2, 2012... How did I not know I only had 8 more days with you... I can't remember what we even did on this day last year. I know it had to be good, because you were there. I'm missing you more than ever pretty girl. I love you to Heaven and back.

It's Around the Corner

I just realized that it was almost the end of June. Days are all jumbled together and I don't often even know the date... but I just realized it's almost the end of June... which means it's almost July... which then means it's July 4th (my last holiday with my precious baby and filled with so many memories) and then it's July 7th, then July 8th, then July 9th, and then July 10th. I remember everything we did with Jovi in the days leading up to her death and I'm dreading reliving them. How did I not realize that she was going to die in 6 days on the 4th of July? How did I not realize that the day we went to the beach as a family was the last time we would go? How did I not realize that when I kissed her goodnight for a nap it'd be the last time I'd get to kiss her alive? I think that's one of the very hardest things... is that I didn't realize. I didn't realize my baby would be gone in just days... It seems so cruel to have to live July 10th over again... it seems so cruel to have to watch the clock all day and think she was still alive.... she was still alive... and then to realize she was gone. It seems so awful to live the day once... why do I have to do it all over again? I would love to just skip that day or skip the next twenty or so all together...

I've missed Jovi so much over the last three weeks. Seeing so many reminders in her sister of her... realizing that she should be here. Wishing I'd do anything to have her here... and being so busy with a 15 month old and a newborn. I just wish she was here. I'm wishing more than ever that I didn't have to go to the cemetery to get all my babies in one picture. It's just so sad. It's just so very sad.

Jovi girl- Mommy could never tell you how much I miss you. I wish I could see what you thought of your sister. I was talking to Lila the other day about you and she smiled... Have you met her? I'm missing you an extra amount and thinking about the day I get to see you again an awful lot... I love you so much, sunshine, to Heaven and back.

"I miss you... and I wish you were here." From Where You Are- Lifehouse

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

How It's Been

Things are overall going well around here. Tired... but what can you expect with a newborn? And a newborn who you are quite worried about keeping alive... I hate that we have to think that. I've been meaning to blog to remember all these first emotions and feelings.

When Lila was first born and given to me (was able to hold her right away), I was terrified. I was scared to hold her. She had heart decelerations all throughout labor and she came out looking tiny, purple, not crying... and tiny. She was fine... healthy. But, I wasn't enjoying holding her at first. I was too scared. In fact, in the video of right after she's born, I'm constantly saying "she's making me really nervous"... I had my sweet pediatrician friend there who came over and pinked her up, examined her, and weighed her. It was much more reassuring. I was still scared when she gave her back. But, felt better. She never cried a lot and still doesn't cry a whole lot. For the first few minutes, I really was just scared of her...

But, then, I instantly fell in love with her. I was always so afraid that I wouldn't love her as much as her sister. That Jovi would always hold this high place in my heart and I wouldn't ever love another baby as much as her. So silly. Because I loved her immediately. Just as much as I love Jovi. The love is the very  same. I was so surprised. And so glad. It felt so good to hold her (after a few minutes) and felt so good to hold life again. Life that is ours... The day she was born was such a redeeming day. It was a day that was so good. Sooo, sooo, sooo good for our family.

The first few nights Lila refused to sleep in her pack n' play. We were both too terrified to let her sleep anywhere else (sucks actually knowing a baby who has died anywhere and everywhere), so we took turns with her on the couch holding her. All night... we were getting rather exhausted not sleeping more than 4 hour stretches... It was getting pretty rough. Thankfully, our pediatrician (and friend) said to put her feet or back or top of her head on the pack n play somewhere instead of the middle of the bed. That seemed to work well. She can go 4+ hours at night in her own bed... doesn't mean she always does. But, she is at least working on it. And, I'm sleeping at night. We came home with an apnea monitor. I swear it's the only way I'm sleeping. I still don't take naps... I assume this is because Jovi died while I was napping... so I just won't/can't do it. Not yet anyway. But, I'm able to sleep at night. It's so true when you realize you have to finally live. I struggled with sleep for the first week or so... but then I just got so exhausted that one night I finally slept for a long period of time... and Lila kept breathing. It's gotten easier every day.

Little L has already been so healing. I find myself smiling more. I find myself feeling lighter. I find my heart feeling happy. Please don't get me wrong. Life was good before she came. I had so much. But, she has just came and made it that much better. In fact, I didn't think she could... and she did. She is just so good. I have a really hard time trying to define what she has done for me already. But, the quote I posted about rainbow babies a month or so ago says it perfect. She has came and given my cloudy, very storm filled life with so much light. And so much joy. She has just been so fun. We have even more sun in our lives because of her. The storm is still very much there. My heart isn't fixed. For the rest of my life, I'll grieve for Jovi. I'll miss her always and forever. I'll think of her often. But, Lila just makes it... easier. Thank you, Lord, so much for this precious baby. I feel so very blessed to have her.

Little Lila had an EKG after she was born. Her EKG came back saying she had Prolong QT. Those with babies who have just died for no reason, will probably know what this is. We found this out on the day we were leaving the hospital. It was hard to hear. Did we have an answer to Jovi's death? But, did it come at the cost of her sister having to suffer? And us worry even more about her life? It felt liberating to have a possible reason as to why my baby died... but then felt terrifying for Lila. We later got called that the EKG probably was fine but newborns can throw this on an EKG and we just needed to repeat in two weeks. I felt defeated at first... like we lost our answer. It took me awhile to finally realize that no answer will change Jovi's death. Jovi died and I can't go back and "fix" it no matter what we can find out or figure out. I'd rather Lila be healthy than have a syndrome she has to deal with the rest of her life. Jovi's life can't be changed now. It took me forever to finally realize this... I can't change what happened to Jovi if I find out why. She's still not here. She can't come back. Her sister is here though.  And this diagnosis will change her life. I don't want that for her or for us. So here's to praying that her repeat EKG is normal.

While it's been overall going well, I still have moments of sheer panic. I still have moments where I just hold her and cry... begging God to keep her safe. Pleading with her not to leave me... I still have moments I lay her in her bed and feel so panicked that she won't wake up. I still am grateful when she does wake up... even if it's numerous times in one night. I still have moments where I'm terrified she won't live or have a hard time buying something in a bigger size. I'm trying so hard not to live her life in fear... and to enjoy her. Mostly, I do. But, I definitely still have times of paralyzing fear.

Jovi Sloan- you were so missed these last few weeks. You should have been coming to meet your sister, too. I should have came home to my three babies instead of just two. I should be able to have a picture of you with your baby, too. We've thought of you so much over the last two weeks. Your precious sister hasn't came and changed that. In fact, I think we've talked of you even more. You are so very missed. You are so very loved. I wonder, often, if you told your sister about crying when no one is holding you... She doesn't like the swing just like you didn't! Did you tell her just to cry and someone would pick her up? Did you meet her? I can't wait to find out... she learned from the best if you gave her some advice. We miss you more than we can say... I love you to Heaven and back, baby.

Jovi Sloan

Lila June

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." 1 John 4:18

"I saw the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will live in hope, because you will not abandon me at the grave nor will you let your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence."
Acts 2: 25-28

Introducing Lila June!

Lila June has arrived! After a very long, anxious 9 months... we are currently enjoying sleepless nights, countless diaper changes, newborn snuggles, and new parent jitters (x's a million).... and we couldn't feel more blessed. This little girl has came into our lives and helped us in so many ways. My heart feels so much fuller and my arms are no longer empty. She doesn't take away from our pain from Jovi, but she has created something so new... and brought us so much light and joy and hope. She is just simply amazing. I know her sister has to be smiling down on us the last few days...

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"Finally, brothers and sisters whatever is true, whatever is worthy of respect, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if something is excellent or praiseworthy, think about these things. And what you learned and received and heart and saw in me, do these things. And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8-9