Monday, June 24, 2013

It's Around the Corner

I just realized that it was almost the end of June. Days are all jumbled together and I don't often even know the date... but I just realized it's almost the end of June... which means it's almost July... which then means it's July 4th (my last holiday with my precious baby and filled with so many memories) and then it's July 7th, then July 8th, then July 9th, and then July 10th. I remember everything we did with Jovi in the days leading up to her death and I'm dreading reliving them. How did I not realize that she was going to die in 6 days on the 4th of July? How did I not realize that the day we went to the beach as a family was the last time we would go? How did I not realize that when I kissed her goodnight for a nap it'd be the last time I'd get to kiss her alive? I think that's one of the very hardest things... is that I didn't realize. I didn't realize my baby would be gone in just days... It seems so cruel to have to live July 10th over again... it seems so cruel to have to watch the clock all day and think she was still alive.... she was still alive... and then to realize she was gone. It seems so awful to live the day once... why do I have to do it all over again? I would love to just skip that day or skip the next twenty or so all together...

I've missed Jovi so much over the last three weeks. Seeing so many reminders in her sister of her... realizing that she should be here. Wishing I'd do anything to have her here... and being so busy with a 15 month old and a newborn. I just wish she was here. I'm wishing more than ever that I didn't have to go to the cemetery to get all my babies in one picture. It's just so sad. It's just so very sad.

Jovi girl- Mommy could never tell you how much I miss you. I wish I could see what you thought of your sister. I was talking to Lila the other day about you and she smiled... Have you met her? I'm missing you an extra amount and thinking about the day I get to see you again an awful lot... I love you so much, sunshine, to Heaven and back.

"I miss you... and I wish you were here." From Where You Are- Lifehouse

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

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