Never Ends

That moment when it feels like you've been kicked in the chest when you see prom pictures and realize you will never get to see your baby girl off go prom. 

There's times when I think I've let go of the dreams I had for you and the life I had planned for us. And, then, there's those moments when I realize those dreams will be grieved and missed for the entire time I'm away from you. 

Here's to hoping there is prom in heaven. 

You looked beautiful in your fancy dress. 

You had a pretty sweet date, too. 

You are missed so much. I hope you are getting the kisses that boy sends you to Heaven each night. 

We all love you more than words can say. To Heaven and back. 

Baby, you are 3!

I can't believe 13 days have passed since your birthday and I haven't even wished you a happy birthday on your special page. I think what it is, lovey, is that life does get easier to live with a broken heart. I get used to life without you. But, it does get harder, too. It's harder not knowing who you'd be. It's harder not having a clue what you would look like. It's so hard not knowing how your voice would sound. Would you call me mama or Mom like your baby sister does? What would you have called Cash? What would you love? Just who would you be? And so as your birthdays approach and I get farther and farther away from you and who are and who you would be, I am more heartbroken. More cheated. Easier because I have accepted this life. Easier because this is my reality. Easier because I have had to let go of those dreams but harder because I don't know you. And that's... just so depressing. 

On a lighter note, your birthday was beautiful. We chose to celebrate with the world and ask everyone to do nice things for others in honor of you. It was overwhelming (in a wonderful way) to see the love. I could feel you through the amazing acts of kindess done all over the world in honor of you. It amazes me the light that you continue to shine even in heaven. It amazes me the impact you continue to leave. It amazes me how you can inspire such good. I was reminded there still is such good in this world that can be filled with such awful and depressing events. And you inspired all of that good. You are so good. I am so proud to be your mommy. Thank you to everyone who did something for my swer baby. You really made her birthday unforgettable. I wish more than anything I was making her a cake and sticking in three little candels... That is not real life for me and my family. "J is for Jovi" is the best way I can think to celebrate her life and pay tribute to the incredible joy she has brought my life. 

Jovi Sloan- I can't even begin to say how much you are missed. Every. Single. Day. I love you to Heaven and back. Happy 3rd birthday my little blue-eyed beauty. 

We filled the baby section with pink balloons.

Baby girl

Beautiful baby- 

As we approach your birthday, I can't help but think about the excitement I felt this time three years ago. How I remember anticipating Valentine's Day because that meant you were coming soon after. How I would sit in your room and dream of you. How I went to bed every night thinking tonight would be my last night holding you in my belly and the morning would bring you into my arms. I remember feeling you move in my belly (my how you were active). I remember sitting in church one day and thinking how you were going to kick yourself out right in that moment. You were one strong girl. 

I remember the day I was told you would come today. I remember the extreme joy (and nervousness) that I was going to meet my baby girl today. I remember walking the halls for hours and nurses constantly saying "no baby yet?". And I will never forget how you suddenly just decided now was the time and you were born faster than anyone expected. I remember seeing your face for the first time and I will never forget the immense measure of love I felt looking into your eyes for the very first time. It was as if I was meeting someone I'd always known and how suddenly you completed my world. How I never knew that I missed you, but in that moment, I realized you were what was missing. I remember holding you for what felt like hours and cherishing every second of feeling your new skin against mine. 

These moments I have always been afraid of forgetting. But, how can I forget the day I meant the one my soul needed and the one who filled a hole I never even knew was missing. 

As I approach your birthday this year, I will choose to remember these moments. I (will forever and always) wish you were here. And that I was looking into your sweet blue eyes on your birthday and getting to ask you what kind of big 3rd birthday you wanted- I will never forget these precious moments. 3... I can't believe it. 

You are missed immeasurably. You will never be forgotten. Never replaced. My heart aches for you and will always long for you to be back with me. Thank you  for all of our precious little moments. Thank you for all of your serious gazes and for all the times you would just gaze at me. Thank you for changing me. I miss you today more than yesterday. 

Love-

Your mommy

Lila J.

I heard from a friend who knew someone who lost a baby and then had their rainbow. Their rainbow always felt like a replacement. I never, ever want Lila to think that so I was trying to think of all the things I want her to know. 

1.) Jovi was meant to live a short life. While I don't believe she died to punish someone or teach us a lesson, I do believe that somehow her life was known to be short. She was meant to die (that makes me cry to even write). But she was. She wasn't meant for a long life on Earth. So, she never would still be here for the "if Jovi would have lived, I would not be here". Jovi wasn't meant to live. Lila J, you were meant to be here just as much as your sister was. You were meant to be here just as much as your brother. Your life was meant to be. I prayed for you and your life more than I could ever explain. You, my sweet girl, are meant to be here. 

2.) I can't even begin to explain how stressed I was when I was pregnant with you. I can't begin to explain how terrified I was of losing you. I vividly remember the day you were born. I remember holding you. Feeling your warm and breathing body and remember crying. Crying because I got through one stage of keeping you. I know life is never a guarantee but I was so blessed to have you in my arms and I knew it more than many because of losing your sister. All I could do was cry and stare at your precious little face. I couldn't contain my sheer gratitude for the fact I got to keep you even if only a few seconds. I remember that big sigh of relief knowing i had you safe in my arms and you hadn't died yet. I can't even begin to explain what you did for my heart that day. How you made it grow three times. How you filled me with such joy. And how you gave me more hope than I had seen or felt in a long time. How you (yes, you) brought our entire family so much light and how your light shone in what felt like a sea of dark a lot of the time. All of this only in the first few hours of knowing you. You are a big deal. 

3.) Like the day you were born, your light continued to grow as you got older. You helped heal Mommy's heart in more ways than I ever thought possible. I never took time for granted with you. I remember studying every detail of your pudgy hands. I love, love dimples on baby hands. Your big baby thighs. I remember you learning to smile and the first time I heard your giggle. I cherish the memory of you eating food for the first time. I never once complained that you didn't sleep because it meant you were alive. I held you so often. Cleaning the house with you strapped to me... And I'll never forget it. You were my mommy's girl and I can't begin to say how good that felt. I would take notice of your baby smell everyday. Sometimes you smelled like lavender, sometimes ritz crackers, sometimes baby lotion... I couldn't get enough of you. 

4.) You are meant to be in our family and you continue to bring us so much joy. I find myself content with just watching you (and your brother) for hours. I notice so much of the things you do. How you eat... How your run... How you climb stairs or how you suck on your paci. You are so loved and we've never ever felt like you weren't meant for us. You play an extremely important role in our family and life would not ever feel right without you.  

You, my little lady, are loved.

You, my little monkey, are cherished. 

You, my little love, are meant to be. 

Moved.

We moved!

I've been seriously slacking in the blogging world. We put our house on the market back in July. It sold in 5 weeks and we had to be out by the beginning of September. We had originally planned on building, so moved into my parents for a few months waiting for our house to finish. Long story short, builder slacked and we still didn't have permits months later. We ended up putting an offer on an existing house and moved in 4 weeks ago. Phew. That's a lot of what we've been up to the last few months summed up into a short paragraph! *Huge thank you to my parents for letting us invade their quiet (and clean) house. They are lifesavers and we owe them so much thanks!

I know many baby loss mommas asked if I felt sad to "leave" Jovi in the only house she lived and was a part of our family in, and the honest answer- is no. I didn't. That house was filled with wonderful memories. We brought Cash, our first born, home there. We brought Jovi home there. We brought Lila home there. BUT, Jovi died there. And that HUGE disaster day was always there. Lingering... There were times I would open the master bedroom and the thoughts of the day she died would just hit me like a ton of bricks. I could tell you exactly where I gave her CPR and I had to walk by that spot numerous times... day after day after day. While there was so much good, there was also so much bad. The bad always seemed to overtake the good. And I was ready to say goodbye and have a fresh start.

My husband and I have had a rough year. It's something I've thought about blogging about. I go back and forth and may say more but let's just leave it at- we separated for a few months. I always promised I'd be true and honest in this blog, but something about opening up about our relationship this past year seems incredibly hard. Losing a baby is so hard on a marriage. I never thought that we would be troubled by Jovi's loss in our marriage. But, it did. It hit us and hit us hard this year. We went to counseling. We read books and continued to pursue each other and our family. We (obviously) are doing better now as we have made the big leap into purchasing a new home together. We are on the track to being better than ever. But, this was another big thing that I wanted to leave behind. A lot of stress and baggage lived in that house.

Of course, so many emotions came with me but leaving those extra triggers behind has been so relieving. It's like a breath of fresh air. A new start for my sweet little family. I'm so glad that I don't think of the day I opened that door and heard that dreadful alarm every time I go to my bedroom. I don't have to pass the spot where I tried to save my baby's life multiple times a day. I don't have to open my front door and remember passing my baby off to my dad. This is better. This is so much better.

Jovi came with us. I know she's always with me and I know I carry her wherever I go. She didn't just live in that house and we left her behind. We put up her pictures. We have her quilt out. We keep her memory alive in our new house and always in our hearts. She missed so much. I could write an entire blog just about Cash and how he still asks about his sister in Heaven and ponders why she died. Asking things like why did Papa and I have to go to the hospital so fast with Jovi? Just randomly... it's amazing to see what an impact she's left on her brother. Sibling love is strong and I can see it daily in his innocent questions and even sorrow-filled heart as he still can't understand why we can't just bring her back.

Life is different now. I think of her still so much of the day, but a new day doesn't bring me the "I can't breathe my baby died" feeling. I have accepted this life and our life feels normal without her. It doesn't feel right. She's always missed. Something is always missing. But, it does feel like this is my normal now. I see her everywhere. The kids' boots were drying against the wall the other day and I saw the gap where hers should be and it made me cry thinking they should be there. And, also, made me smile knowing she's never forgotten and how my eyes see her and my heart feels her in the smallest of things.

Jovi Sloan- you are such a special girl. You've made me strong and have impacted our entire family in so many ways. Thank you for making me a better person. You continue to light up the world, baby. I love you to Heaven and back.

Hate

I don't get America. 

A black man is killed and riots pursue. People around the country band together to protest and chant #blacklivesmatter. But, when mom is accidentally shot by her two-year-old son, she deserved to die. I don't understand. 

I believe in love. 

I believe in Jesus. 

I believe in His simple, yet profoundly powerful statement about all we need to do is love Him and love each other. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:30-31 NIV). There is nothing greater. Nothing better. Nothing more rewarding. Jesus simply stated the greatest commandments and those were the two of upmost importance. So, where is the the love, America? 

We are all so quick to judge. So quick to hate so quick to respond to violence with violence. 

When you feel your entire race has been wronged? You light fire to buildings. 

When a smoker gets the tragic news of lung cancer, he deserved it. 

When man is killed for taking another life, he got what he deserved.  

All people deserve life. No one deserves to die. We weren't taught that people deserve death and life in hell. We were taught to live a good life. A life filled with loving your neighbor as yourself and not passing judgement. Do I believe in punishment, yes. But, I don't believe that it's our job as these peoples' "neighbors" to cast out our own judgement and our own punishments when most times, we don't even know the entire story. 

I don't understand the quick to judge and quick to think we know what someone else deserves especially when it comes to taking someone's life. It's not our job. 

Jesus loves the policeman, the murderer, the priest, the nurse. He loves the pastor, the baby, the runner and the rapist. Jesus adores the felon, the bereaved, the terrorist, and the firefighter. He loves the mother, the doctor, the pilot, and the abuser. He loves the drug addict, the garbage man, the alcoholic, and the grandparent. Jesus loves all. As should we because #alllivesmatter. 

It's simple. 

Love Jesus. Love each other. 

It's Not God

I posted last month about the over use of phrases about "it's in God's plan" or "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". I've been thinking on this for months. Seeking answers and looking deeply into the God I love and the God who loves me. It boggles my mind that this God I have a relationship with would hurt me or cause me immense suffering, just to learn a lesson. And, then, it dawned on me even more that I don't think God is the cause of suffering. 

It started with God's plan. We aren't puppets. We have free will, but God has a plan for this world. God has a plan for me and my life. I believe God's plan is good and loving and full. God has an ending to this world's story and He is taking us all and using us all as part of His story. I believe that. But, I don't believe that He inflicts pain and suffering on us to better us or better others. To teach us a lesson or to teach someone else a lesson. 

We live in a broken world. Thank you, Adam and Eve, for creating a world with pain and destruction. Suffering not caused by God. God hates destruction. I can only imagine the pain and tears that suffering bring His loving heart. He despises it. So, why, then would He create it? All for a lesson? All because we need to be punished? 

I can't  imagine my loving God inflicting a single mom with Stage 4 cancer. I can't  my loving God giving a baby a tumor in utero. I can't imagine my God damning someone to be raped. I can't imagine Him taking a baby from his mother.  It doesn't make sense. I believe He wept when these things happened. His heart was heavy with sorrow. I can't imagine Him using these things for punishment. 

I think He comes in. And the bad, the destruction, Satan... They all try to deviate from His plan. But, He is bigger than anything. God is bigger than death. He is bigger than destruction. He is bigger than pain. Bigger than suffering. So much bigger than Satan. He comes in and He wraps the victim in love. And because He is bigger, He makes that shitty event for the better for those who love Him. He surrounds us with comfort and love and peace. And He has the sole power to turn that so awful event into something good. Only He can make it better because He is so good. 

I don't believe He took my baby. I believe He wept with me on the day my baby died. I don't believe I was punished. I don't believe Jovi was given a life of just  16 weeks. I believe that His heart was heavy when she passed and He worked His works to create her death for the good. To bring us back to His story. To get us back on track to loving Him and loving one another. 

I don't think suffering is in God's plan for us. He sent His Son to suffer for us. 

My God is bigger than suffering. Bigger than pain. Bigger than destruction. 

My God makes all things good.