9 LONG Months...

How has it been 9 entire months since I've seen your face? I feel like time has flown by the last few months and we've suddenly hit 9 months without you. I don't know how we've done it... How've we've continued on this long. I think about you every. single. day. And numerous times a day. It's crazy how you can be gone for what feels like so long but then I can remember life with you so clearly still... like it was yesterday. The missing never gets any easier... maybe it gets even worse as I get farther and farther away from having been with you. Life is still so different.

We had to celebrate our first holiday without you that we celebrated with you last year. Easter was so very sad. People kept reminding me it was such a hopeful day... which it definitely is. Jesus rose again... He came and died for us. The sacrifice God made means more to me now that it ever has before. How can you send your one and only Son for the sake of millions of others? Some of which will never get what a sacrifice you made... I can't even comprehend it... Anyways, it is a day of HOPE. But, I still struggled. The day was still hard. We took you an Easter basket to your grave. I didn't even get you one last year. I took your first basket to you and you are gone. It was so sad and so hard. I didn't get to dress you up like I did last year. Last year, you wore the most beautiful dress. It was the first time I took you to church and showed you off to everyone. This year, it felt like the breath was knocked out of me as I walked into church. Life is so much more different this year than last year. I didn't have my sweet girl with me. I didn't get to dress her up. I didn't get to show her off. You did get to celebrate in Heaven. I can't imagine the celebration... I'm sure it was incredible. Know I thought about you all day long. That you should have been toddling around during the Easter hunt collecting eggs... You should have been allowed to eat some candy... would it have been some of your first? You should have just been with our family. You, Jovi girl, were so very missed by so many.

I was reading in my devotional today that when suffering hits, God gives you the strength to get through. It hit the nail on the head to what I keep saying... we are only getting through because of God. He's came in and carried me when I couldn't walk. He's continued to never leave our side. He's continued to supply what we need. God has definitely given us the strength to keep going when it felt impossible. I'm so thankful... I could never have done this on my own. Ever.

Jovi girl- you are missed so much. I looked at all the Easter dresses in the store and thought of you. Wondering what one I would have picked... probably some super girly ruffly pink one... I miss you so much. So very much. Our family continues to talk about you and you continue to impact us even though you are in Heaven now. You continue to shine light in our lives. I talk about you all the time. And all the memories we were blessed to have with you. I love you SO much, little girl, to Heaven and back.

"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened... and I will give you rest." 

Aaron Shust- Come to me

Good.

There are days that feel impossible.

Then, days where it feels easier... where I realize my life is still very blessed and very good.

And I have days, where I can see this face and just smile... feeling so very thankful for every moment I held her, for every second I snuggled her, and for every time I kissed her sweet face.

We ALL miss you so very much, baby girl.

I love you, Jovi, to Heaven and back.

"Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

Losing Your Baby

There is nothing easy about any of this. Absolutely. Nothing.

With time, you don't think about the severity of the situation as much. But, then there are the moments where you realize that this is the rest of your life. For the rest of your life, you will live missing someone. Missing someone an insane amount... the "it's hard to breathe" kind of miss. The rest of your life.

You get to live the day your baby died... Time and time and time again. If it wasn't hard enough doing it once, you get to do it over. and over. and over. While you get to live it over and over again, you will change the outcome in your head a hundred times. You will wake her up sooner. You will check on her and realize she isn't breathing, and save her. She'll be saved in the ambulance. Then, you realize that it's all the same. The outcome never changes no matter how many times you analyze that day and attempt to change it. You realize this, but yet you still think about the day often and still try to change what happened.

You will attempt to find every single reason why your baby died if you were left with "sudden unexplained death in infancy". You still won't get it. Almost 9 months after your baby died, it will still boggle your mind how your baby could be here, then not be here. It will still boggle your mind that your baby died for an unexplained reason. While you have to stop researching because that starts driving you crazy, you still won't get it. You will know there are mysteries on this Earth that we aren't meant to know. There are things we won't know until we get to Heaven, it still won't make sense and it will not make any sense. You will start to just accept that you will never know, but it will really still just boggle your mind. It will still just not make any sense.

You'll hear your three year old talk about Heaven. Say that he wants to go... or say he doesn't want to go.  He'll question why his sister died. Every time you realize that he has had to grieve a big person in his life, it will make you just want to sob. He'll say "She doesn't even poop in her diaper anymore" or "I didn't get to see her go to Heaven" or "Can't we just go visit her". You'll grieve with him and for him... and then you'll realize he is just a little boy and he shouldn't have to do this. If you get pregnant again, he'll use phrases like "when the new baby goes to Heaven..." and that'll just kill you, too. Because to him, babies going to Heaven is normal. You'll check on him while he's sleeping often. You'll thank God every time he wakes up. You'll never be able to discipline him well for coming out of bed 100 times, because your baby died while she was sleeping... and you don't want him or you going to bed mad or frustrated. You'll learn from his child-like faith.

You'll make other mommy friends who've lost their babies. You'll connect with them. You'll need them. You'll thank God every day for them. But, you'll have days you still feel entirely alone. It'll just feel so lonely.

You'll feel crazy. One minute you are smiling, and the next you are sobbing. One day is easy to be around babies and the next day is just too hard. One day you'll feel okay, that you can do this and the next will feel nearly impossible to get out of bed.

You'll have to decorate your baby's grave for holidays instead of celebrating them with her. You'll always be on the lookout for items for her grave to make it look "cute".

If you decide to get pregnant again, it will be so scary. Every day will be a different day. You'll pray to God to just let her live. You will learn a whole new kind of faith.  You will question if there is anyway you can love this new little bundle of joy as much as the bundle of joy you had to bury. You will question everything you did when you were pregnant the last time. Did this contribute to her death? Did this or that? Then, you'll realize that this new baby is only here because your daughter died. You'll realize that someday this new baby will realize this, too. And then you'll question how you can possibly raise her knowing that she was wanted and she is loved, and not just because her sister died. How can you raise her making sure she doesn't feel "second"... You'll have days you are over the moon excited to see her, though. You will have moments where you cry just thinking about holding life again. Holding your baby... Holding your living, breathing, crying baby... And the thought of that will make you smile because it is so good.

You'll be mad at God. Sometimes so very angry. Then, you'll realize He is still good. You will realize He has never left. Your relationship with Him will grow and you'll realize how He is in your house more than He was before. You'll realize He gets it. You'll suddenly have a whole new respect and understanding for God sending His only Son... it'll hit home to you more than it ever has before.

You'll realize your life will still be good. You'll attempt to make the best of your life everyday. You'll gain a new perspective on life.

You'll realize this is your life... that you will live with this every day. You'll have days that feel impossible and days that do feel possible. Nothing about losing your baby is easy. Absolutely nothing.

Giveaway

Thank you all for supporting my sweet Jovi's blog. I love that it continues to get read and it means the world to me that I have people who come back to read her/our story. To show my appreciation, I wanted to do a little giveaway. I would like to show my appreciation by giving away my "favorite" (who wants a favorite grief book?) book on loss- "A Grace Disguised". If you want to be included, post a comment on this post. Thank you all for supporting our family and continuing to keep Jovi's story alive. Giveaway ends a week from today. I'll post the winner on Monday, April 1st. Good luck!

Birthday

I've been putting off blogging about the week of Jovi's birthday because it was super hard. I've finally been feeling better... But, it's good for me to get this down before I forget.

As usual, the days leading up to her birthday were the most hard. Thursday was the very hardest. I cried pretty much all day. I gave some candles, cookies, and a birthday card to all the local people who were connected to her. I worked on them Thursday, so it just cemented so much of what I was missing. I had to make cookies for my daughter's first birthday... in Heaven. I wasn't making them for her to eat... it was so others could remember her. I wasn't making a cake for her to eat and demolish. It was a super rough day. By far the hardest day of the week.

Friday, we packed to get out of town. We had thought we would do a big party for her birthday, but as it got closer, I couldn't do it. There was no way I could "celebrate" her birthday with a ton of people. I had no idea what to expect from that day and suddenly couldn't imagine doing it with a ton of people. We decided to get out of town and go to an indoor water park for a few nights. It was a good idea. We went and visited Jovi's grave on our way out of town. We decorated it all up for her birthday. Sent her balloons to Heaven and sang her Happy Birthday. It, again, was so sucky. We didn't get to sing her happy birthday here and see that darling smile. Instead, we sang to Heaven and just hoped she could hear our tune. Jovi is buried in the baby section so we took pinwheels for the other babies around her, too. It was a great thing for Cash. Kept him busy and he wasn't constantly asking to leave like usual. I think we will always take him a chore to do... It worked really well. We kissed her goodbye and then headed up to the condos.

Saturday was not as bad as the days before. Saturday was her actual birthday. We spent the majority of the day at the water park. It was nice not to just sit at home and think about everything. The water park was filled with one year old baby girls... I swear. It's often hard not to think about how unfair all of this is... it's all VERY unfair. Thankfully, the babies didn't bother me too much. But, I did look at them, often, and think we SHOULD be able to do that with Jovi. It got harder as the day progressed. Jovi was born at 7:18 in the evening, so times in the evening were hard. It was sad to see the clock and actually know this time last year we were just meeting our little girl. Ugh. There really isn't anything easy about any of this.

Sunday was better, again. It almost felt good to have the day behind us. I was exhausted. I know Daniel and I were both just done and spent the day lying around our house after the drive home. This week has been better. Lighter, again. In some ways, hard. We are now embarking on a whole new set of dates and memories. "This time last year... we did _____________ with Jovi". So, I'm sure a whole new set of issues and emotions will come up. I know tomorrow is the day she first stopped breathing last year. A big day of her life and a big day that I question. We'd love prayers as we head into reliving days we were blessed to spend with her just a year ago.

Jovi Sloan- I miss you more than words can say. It seems surreal, sometimes, that you aren't here. I can't believe we are living life without you. You are such a blessing. The day you were born is one of my very favorite days ever. I loved you from the moment I saw you. I remember snuggling you the night after you were born and not being able to sleep. I was just so excited to have you in my arms. Know not a minute goes by that I don't miss you or I don't think about you. I hope Heaven was extra amazing on your birthday. I just can't wait to see your pretty face. I miss your blue eyes, your sweet smiles, your giggle, and your stories way too much. I love you, sunshine, to Heaven and back.

"No one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. Despite all their efforts to search it out, no one can discover its meaning. Even if the wise claim they know, they cannot really comprehend it."
Ecclesiastes 8:17

1!

Happy 1st Birthday, Jovi Sloan! I wish more than anything I was able to wake you up with birthday kisses. We are sending lots to Heaven and hope you have been receiving every single one. I can only imagine the celebration today. I love you, birthday girl, to Heaven and back!

Lila June.

I rarely blog about this sweet girl, but as I'm coming into the last trimester... I figure I should! She is very much a part of our story and a part of this new road we are headed down.

She's looking excellent so far. Healthy... moves and is pretty active. Not near as active as Jovi was, but still enough. There are days that I don't super remember I'm pregnant. My mind is so preoccupied with Jovi that I just don't really remember. But, then I have days that I'm so excited. I'm so excited to meet her and so excited to snuggle her. I'm so excited to just hold a living, breathing, crying baby of mine.

She hasn't came without fear. I'm constantly reminding myself that fear isn't from the Lord and to trust in the Lord with all my heart. Mostly, I do. But, I'd be lying if I said it didn't still creep in. Like today for example- we are in the middle of doing her room. It's basically done (thank you, hubby!) and today washed all the clothes we have and started putting them in drawers. I, almost, couldn't do it. I had a near panick attack and was suddenly terrified of putting all these things in drawers and then just having to put them all back in boxes because something happened to her. But, I realized that isn't going to happen. In Jesus name, this sweet Lila is going to live. So I finished. I put them all away in drawers... organized. It was a huge feat for me.

We redid the entire room. We made it over from Jovi's room to Lila's room and they look entirely different. I'm glad we did. As hard as it was to paint and cover up Jovi's room, in the end- it's nice and refreshing to have a new, fresh start. It's starting to look like a real room for a real baby. Making it even more real that we have a baby coming. I don't think much about bringing her home... I just make it through each day. At this point, just anticipating the day she arrives and I'm so looking forward to that day. But, I don't think much after that... I figure what's the point. We have no idea what to expect. There are things we have talked about... we know we will be so cautious. We know things will be different. We know there may not be a lot of sleeping. But, other than that, not much. We will deal with it when we get there.

Jovi Sloan- you will never be replaced by your sister.I have this calming feeling that you know that... I do wonder, often, how these new babies work. Have you met her? Did you get to meet her before she came down here? I can't wait to find out the answer to that. I know you would have been the best big sister... I know you will still be the best big sister even though you are in Heaven. Watching over her... I wonder often if she will look like you. Will she have those pretty blue eyes? Your sweet smile? Or your fabulous chimpanzee hair? Do you already know what she looks like? Know we will think of you always and still the same even when Lila comes. You'll always be our Jovi Sloan... I love you so much, to Heaven and back.

"For God did not give us the spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."

2 Timothy  1:7