Far Away

Here we are... About to embark on another new year. I can't believe 2013 is over... I can't believe I survived an entire year where my baby wasn't here. I can't believe I'm going into another year that will be missing Jovi. 

2013 has been good to us. I've found more reasons to smile. I've remembered I'm blessed. I have an amazing husband, a wonderful little man and was blessed with a new little beauty. I have an extremely supportive family and awesome friends. It's been a year filled with laughs and smiles and more tears of joy than I ever thought possible. I've seen a baby get teeth. I've been able to buy a Christmas dress. I've taken a little to his first day of preschool. I've fed a baby solids. I've taken littles swimming. We've gone to waterparks. We taken vacations. I've seen one of my own babies turn 6 months. I've celebrated a little man's 4th birthday. An amazing work promotion for my great hubby. New friends. I've loved. I've been loved. It's been so good. Thanks for the good, 2013. I'm so, SO thankful. 

2013 has came with tears of sadness and low moments, too. My grandpa joined Jovi in Heaven. I went to a baby shower with a baby there whose name is Jovie. I've gone through Jovi's first birthday Joviless... And forced to relive the day she died. I've realized I'll never have a picture of all my babies that doesn't include a grave. I've relived the day we celebrated Jovi's life. I've been to the cemetery more than I'd ever like.... I've lost countless tears and spent countless hours thinking about my baby in Heaven. 

I never thought that'd I'd live through the last half of 2012, never thought it possible to make it through the entire 2013 without one smile from Jovi, and yet, here I am, about to ring in another year. I've made it so far...

 2014... I pray you are more healing than I could imagine. I pray you bring my family more laughs than tears and more joy than sadness. 

Jovi- you've made me want to be better. I will do my very best not to waste a minute here without you. 

 

"I love you 

I've loved you all along

And I miss you 

Been far away for far too long 

I keep dreaming 

You'll be with me

And you'll never go

Stop breathing 

If I don't see you anymore"

"Far Away" Nickelback

Cashy

Dear Jovi,

You have the sweetest brother. He misses you so much. He asks about you so much. He talks about you so much. He sleeps with Jovi Bear snuggled right next to him and says, "It makes me feel like I'm snuggling Jovi". 

Did you see what he did the other day? He saw a man asking for money outside of Walmart. He had a broken leg. Cash was very concerned about him and wanted to go home to take him some of his very own money. We went home, put Cash's money in a bag, added some treats and took it back. Cash gave it to him... And it was all his idea. He has a kind heart. 

I owe Cashy so much. He saved us when you left. He kept me breathing and living. He saved me. He made me keep going. He kept me laughing. He kept me smiling. He gave me a reason to get out of bed. 

He is scared, too. He's scared of losing another sister. The other day he said he didn't want Lila to die. It breaks my heart he has to know. He has to know hurt. He has to know fear. And that he has to worry about another sister... 

Cashy misses you. So much. He still remembers his first sister all the time. 

I love you to Heaven and back. 

Love, 

Mommy 

He is so silly 

He helps carry Christmas trees

He goes bowling 

Swimming

Dear Jovi,

We went swimming today. I realized I never got to take you swimming while you were here. I guess I took you to the lake but all I did was out your feet in. I didn't see you splash and squeal in delight. While in the water park, I couldn't help but think what it would be like if you were here... 21 months old... Toddling all around and going down the little baby water slides. How I wish I could see...
Do you have water parks in Heaven? :)

Your brother was so brave and had a blast. Even went down the big slides all by himself! He's getting so big. Your sister loved every minute of playing in the water. She shrieked and squealed... I can't help but think you were smiling watching us play and smile and laugh and enjoy the day.

You were missed so much. You were thought about so much.

I love you to Heaven and back.

Love,
Mommy

Christmas

Dear Jovi,

Christmas is here again.... And we are celebrating Christmas again without you. How is it even fair? It feels so much more real this year... More sad and more depressing and more that this is our life forever. We are stuck attempting to enjoy holidays while missing our baby... While missing our sister... I can't help but think what you'd want. What toy would grab your attention or what outfits I would he buying you. Would you be a big girl? Petite? I'd imagine petite. You always were just a little peanut. 

Your brother and sister saw Santa. I always tear up with these "big" milestones. We have a picture with Cash and Santa every year since his first Christmas. It was a family tradition at my house and my mom still displays our yearly Santa photos. I've always looked forward to continuing the tradition until last year... When I had to step foot in the mall without you to take the big traditional photo. I was so blessed to have Cash, but you were missing. It was so hard. This year, however, we had a little lady to take to see Santa with Cash. I have a Santa picture of two of my kids. I rejoice that Lila has lived to see Santa. I rejoice I was able to get her and your brother all dolled up to see Santa. But, again, you were missing. You weren't there. I don't have a picture of three kids sitting on Santa's lap. It's times like these that reinforce we are not complete. We are not whole. We will never have a picture of all of our babies together that doesn't include a grave, a "J", or something else that symbolizes you. 

I teared up putting your footprint ornament on the tree. I teared up hanging your stocking and hate thinking we go another year where it sits empty... But, I feel like we are still including you. And while part of me is so sad to see it hanging, the other part just loves to see your name in our house... Your stocking hanging with your siblings. 

I miss you more as each day passes. What are you doing right now? Are you getting ready for Jesus's birthday? I can only imagine the celebration...

I love you to Heaven and back. 

Love,

Mommy

Pulled

I can't believe I am going on two Christmas's without my baby.

Where has the time gone? And to think I have many more Christmas's that I have to spend without my complete family, is heartbreaking.

I, often, feel so pulled in being a mom to kids here and one in Heaven. I want to be an advocate for SIDS and do so much for our local SIDS program. I want to get tons of darling decorations for Jovi's grave... I want to spend more time at Jovi's grave... I want to spend more time thinking about her... I want to blog more... But, then I have to stop and remind myself that she isn't here. As sucky and so crappy as it is, Jovi is not here. Jovi is okay. Jovi is amazing. Jovi is happy. And Jovi knows I love her regardless of what I'm doing. Jovi knows I think about her as I drive the car.  Jovi knows I think about her when I give her siblings a bath and she isn't in there... Jovi knows. I don't have to prove my love to her with fancy decor and hours of volunteering. I, also, have to remind myself that I have two young kids who need me here. Two, on Earth, who need fed... bathed... played with... it's just not my season to be a huge advocate at this time. As much as I want to... I have to remind myself that it's, sometimes, not my season. I have years to volunteer. Years to help newly bereaved families... But, I do feel so pulled between the two... Heaven and Earth.

I'm thinking of making this blog more, too, about letters to Jovi. Letters about what we have been doing and being able to show other families that life can and does continue on... despite a very broken heart. We still smile. We still laugh. We still love... and I want to show that. I want this as an avenue for the sad and so hard days, too.  But, I want to show the good days. The lighter days that are filled with joy.

Jovi Sloan- I miss you more today than I did yesterday. I miss you when your brother and sister wake up and I miss you when I put them to bed. I see so much of you in them and wonder so much about what life could/should be like. I can't imagine who you would be right now or what you would look like. You'd be so big!! My mind can't even comprehend what my 20 month old baby would look like... I'd give anything just for a glimpse of you. I miss you every second of everyday. I love you, baby, to Heaven and back.