Christmas is here again.... And we are celebrating Christmas again without you. How is it even fair? It feels so much more real this year... More sad and more depressing and more that this is our life forever. We are stuck attempting to enjoy holidays while missing our baby... While missing our sister... I can't help but think what you'd want. What toy would grab your attention or what outfits I would he buying you. Would you be a big girl? Petite? I'd imagine petite. You always were just a little peanut.
Your brother and sister saw Santa. I always tear up with these "big" milestones. We have a picture with Cash and Santa every year since his first Christmas. It was a family tradition at my house and my mom still displays our yearly Santa photos. I've always looked forward to continuing the tradition until last year... When I had to step foot in the mall without you to take the big traditional photo. I was so blessed to have Cash, but you were missing. It was so hard. This year, however, we had a little lady to take to see Santa with Cash. I have a Santa picture of two of my kids. I rejoice that Lila has lived to see Santa. I rejoice I was able to get her and your brother all dolled up to see Santa. But, again, you were missing. You weren't there. I don't have a picture of three kids sitting on Santa's lap. It's times like these that reinforce we are not complete. We are not whole. We will never have a picture of all of our babies together that doesn't include a grave, a "J", or something else that symbolizes you.
I teared up putting your footprint ornament on the tree. I teared up hanging your stocking and hate thinking we go another year where it sits empty... But, I feel like we are still including you. And while part of me is so sad to see it hanging, the other part just loves to see your name in our house... Your stocking hanging with your siblings.
I miss you more as each day passes. What are you doing right now? Are you getting ready for Jesus's birthday? I can only imagine the celebration...
I love you to Heaven and back.
Love,
Mommy
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